


stupid for you

by nihilisum



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, BLOBS!!! A LOT OF BLOBS!!! AND PANDAS!!!, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Coming of Age, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rating May Change, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Wet Dream, and dream is a sucker for him :[, he's so stupidly in love oh my god, sapnap is straight, until he isn't :]
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:42:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27865554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilisum/pseuds/nihilisum
Summary: it was a white body and a white head, and nothing else. it had no feet, no hands, no arms or legs, and it didn't look like it had any complex facial features at all. it just continued smiling, and – what the hell? – it didn't even seem to be blinking."stay away from me, you–! you thing!" nick practically screeched.he grabbed the baseball bat that was leaning against the bedside table and shoved it towards the blob, the wooden tip of it only barely brushing below its head."who sent you?!" he barked, much too loudly for his thin bedroom walls. his sister was sleeping on the other side.the blob didn't reply. it continued smiling and made the sudden movement of jumping up onto the baseball bat, causing nick to let out another girly cry, throw the bat away, and shuffle away from the creature.or the one where as nick starts to realize his feelings for clay, small blob-like creatures begin to appear and follow him everywhere. little does he know, clay has befriended some little creatures of his own due to his mutual feelings for nick.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 178
Kudos: 667





	1. Chapter 1

  
the three of them were walking aimlessly, clay on the right, george in the middle, and nick on the left.

the sky was a pale orange and cloudy, and the weather moderately cold, when the texan eighteen year old spotted blinking neon lights and rows of claw machines, and exclaimed, "arcade! the arcade's open!"

they had just come out of the movie theatre, having watched the newest star wars movie they were all excited about. for a while, they had been walking, chatting about the movie and simply enjoying each other's presence. it was a saturday after all, and saturdays were dedicated to those moments of each other's company, whether it was laying low at clay's house, or going out to the movies, it had been a tradition since they had all become friends back at the beginning of high school. 

george, with the tip of his milkshake straw resting over his bottom lip, scoffed and glanced judgmentally at him. "what are you, twelve?"

nick's excitement dissolved for a moment as he gazed at the boy who notably always was the most pessimistic out of the three.

"i don't think _you_ have the rights to call _me_ twelve, george," he remarked, looking him up and down pointedly, from the colourful clips in his dark hair to the yellow smiley faces stitched down his jeans. he also purposely stepping forward to accentuate their height difference, despite only being an inch taller.

george rolled his eyes and continued drinking his strawberry milkshake that he had gotten from the movies, clay's treat. of course, with the tradition came the switching of paying. 

nick left the short man to wallow and gazed brightly at clay, who tore his gaze away from the lights he had been gazing at inquiringly.

"remember, dream?" he asked, the nickname slipping from the retrieval of precious childhood memories. "we used to go to that one arcade all the time!"

clay seemed to remember, for he grinned and nodded. "yeah, 'n i always beat your ass at galaga," he remarked cheekily, making nick scoff in contempt.

"yeah, whatever, dude, as if i didn't beat your ass in console, _and_ guitar hero." nick let the sky get an inch closer to kissing his nose as he cockily grinned, slipping an eye open to feast at the sour expression on clay's face, a boy who hated losing. nick giggled at the sight of him. "man, you haven't changed," he murmured.

unbeknown to both boys, george between them perked up at the oddly soft tone, though stayed quiet around his milkshake like he usually did when faced with conflict. 

"guitar hero was always unfair and you know it!" clay argued.

"oh, here we go again!" nick theatrically cried.

it was true. during their childhood, nick and clay raced down town every week when the sky was the same shade as now, and headed into the arcade, with their coins ready to be slotted into machines and their fingers eager to get their paws on some trade in tickets. since it was the two of them, there was always competition, and it was said that the loser would have to buy a milkshake for a certain amount of their pocket money for the winner at the 80s themed diner they always visited too. the amount of milkshakes the each of them got had always been equal, nick winning one week and clay winning the other.

guitar hero was amongst the games they played, and nick was almost always the winner, completing his songs without a single flaw and even managing to garner crowds of other children who were impressed by his skill. when the song they were playing ended, and clay was revealed to have hundreds of points behind nick, the blonde would shake his head in denial and claim it was unfair.

"that's bullcrap!" thirteen year old clay cried. "you play instruments, you have an advantage!"

"chocolate," nick smirked, pulling the plastic guitar off of his body and returning it back to the arcade game. he stalked off with clay begrudgingly following. "extra cream, and topped with double cherries."

"that's 3 dollars more!" 

"you lost!" nick sang. "fair and square!" he continued. "and you!" clay glared hardly at the side of his head as he danced carelessly out of the arcade. "said!" nick twirled around and shot clay a snarky, shit-eating grin. "double or nothing!"

clay had said that, and he started eating his words as nick started flaunting the milkshake as they sat opposite each other in the black and white tiled, neon decorated diner, an old upbeat song clay recognised on his mother's cassette tape playing in the background.

eventually, nick gave in, called his pouting face adorable, rendered him to a dark, glowing blush, and pushed the tall milkshake glass over to clay's side.

"here."

clay glanced at him in confusion.

"you look like you'll explode, dream," twelve year old nick giggled, kicking his legs back and forth under the table.

clay huffed. "i don't need your pity milkshake!" he argued, despite the hands in his lap rising to rest against the table top, itching to grab the milkshake and take full advantage of nick's kindness.

"c'mon," nick laughed. his face was bright, round cheeks warm. "i had fun today."

clay blinked for a moment, at nick, and then behind him, at the back of the red leather booth seat. he swore he saw something, flashes of black and white as soon as his heart seemed to skip a beat and his chest began to feel tighter at the way nick smiled at him just then.

"clay? clay, i was kidding! dude, don't actually explode on me!"

he snapped out of it, and looked back at his younger friend.

"you okay, man?" nick gazed at him with pebbles of concern.

clay gulped his concern away, the black and white blurring his eyes, the weird feeling in his stomach making him itch to run. he remained in his seat however and leaned forward, grabbing the glass and taking the single straw in his lips.

"attaboy!"

whatever it was clay saw, it wasn't the last time it would appear, for that evening the freckled boy walked home with his head hanging low and his eyes trained in concentration at the photographs they had taken at the photo booth. he was thoughtful of them, gazing at each each of them (nick had taken the other two as his own), and felt a flurry of emotions and thousands of questions.

what was that feeling when nick had smiled at him? they had shared smiles before, and clay had never reacted like that.

why was he so awful at guitar hero? he played plenty of video games that required the same skills, so it didn't make any sense.

why did nick always seem to lean so closely into him in the photos? why did that suddenly seem to bother him? why did he look at the gaps in the photos and want him even closer?

clay shook his head, eyebrows furrowed, and shoved the line of photography in his back pocket. black and white... what was it that appeared?

that afternoon at the arcade had been decided by fate, and that day would change clay's life forever. 

"clay." it was george's voice that brought the sandy blonde back to reality, and a soft nudge of his elbow too.

"well?" nick said impatiently. "are we going or what?"

clay looked at him, and for a moment he couldn't get his smile from back then out of his head, until he did, and smiled back with just as much enthusiasm.

"why not," he said gently, and george groaned. "come on, george, it will be fun," clay encouraged.

"he's just pissy 'cause he sucks at games," nick sneered, earning a glare from the british boy.

"you can watch, george," clay continued, and then he smirked. "cheer me on, and if nick loses, he has to buy you a milkshake next week too."

nick scoffed. "fine. deal. but if i win, you both have to buy me a milkshake each!"

"deal," clay said, and they shook on it, and between their connected hands george deadpanned.

"and i'm guessing i don't get a say in this, right?"

"you've learned your place well, haven't you, georgie?" nick taunted, leaning over to tickle at george's chin, as if he were their pet dog they were taking out for a walk.

george smacked his hand away and glared. "bite me."

clay exhaled softly through his nose and nick grinned wickedly. with a shove of george, ignoring his indignant cry, he screamed at the top of his lungs, "last one there's a rotten egg!"

and the games begun.

the arcade wasn't the same one in nick and clay's childhood. unfortunately, that one had shut down, along with the diner, and had become flickering images of their memories. it was more or less the same thing though, bright magenta, and purple, and bubblegum blue, arcade machines lined up in ordered rows, and middle schoolers weaving around in excitement.

it was funny, how out of place the towering college first years, and george, looked around the smaller bodies. they didn't mind the strange looks they got, too immersed in their little competition to even care.

they started with tetris, which george had taken an interest in enough to have his own round too. a string of profanities left nick as he played, making multiple mistakes, and in the end, george was the winner amongst the three of them, and clay had beaten nick by just the slightest difference, making it 1 to clay and 0 to nick.

galaga was next, and it was so close that nick felt his heart sink as he saw the ten point difference between them. george wasn't shy about gloating about it, cooing like an annoying fly.

"shut your mouth, george," nick snapped as he lifted himself off of the stool, collecting his tickets.

george mockingly simpered, otherwise he did as told and shut up about the closeness of their battle.

"you gave me a run for my money," clay said through a soft, exhausted breath, shooting the agitated texan a sympathetic glance. 

nick, shaking off loss, shrugged. "it's cool. i mean, i'll just destroy you at guitar hero, and everything else!"

clay 2, nick 0.

clay rose a taunting eyebrow. "oh yeah?"

nick grinned ferally, returning the spark. "yeah!" 

they went around the arcade, game to game, until only one one was left, none other than than the notorious guitar hero. at this point, they were neck in neck, tied at 8-8. 

"can i go to the bathroom before you guys play?" george said.

"what the hell, george?" nick scowled in disbelief.

clay giggled. "what's wrong with you?" he said, amused by the pure offense in nick's tone. he nudged him and nodded at george. "go on. we can wait. can't we, pandas?" 

nick grumbled. he always had to be hard on george. "whatever," he mumbled, though clay could spy a suppressed smile.

george rolled his eyes and walked off, not without murmuring under his breath, "idiot."

nick heard and retorted back, "moron!"

even with the two apart, george cried absently, "jerk!"

nick, not one to let himself get beaten, especially not by george, yelled back, uncaring for the others around him. "nimrod!"

as george disappeared into the bathroom with a middle finger pointed towards nick, clay chuckled beside him, shaking his head.

"you two just can't help yourself, can you?"

nick beamed up at him, a giant grin pinning his round, rosy cheeks up. it was the very same one, from back then, now that clay saw it again, the aftermath of all of their fun and games. even if they were competing, they were both having a good time with each other. black and white, black and white all over, though this time, clay didn't make it so obvious.

it was then that nick spotted something behind clay, his eyes brightening at the sight of it.

"clay!" he gasped, throwing his finger up to point. "look!"

clay peered in the direction of his finger and felt warm. it was a photo booth.

nick glanced back at him with excitement of a puppy, a tail practically wagging erratically behind him. 

"we gotta do it! for old time's sake! come on, come on!"

before clay could have protested, which was not his wish, nick grabbed him by the sleeve and tugged him towards it, exclaiming a half hearted apology to the middle school girl he barely missed. 

"was it always this cramped?" nick muttered as they squeezed in together, clay having to kneel down slightly to avoid hitting his head.

"this isn't exactly the age demographic i think they were going for," clay chuckled, shuffling, making their shoulders rub even closer together.

"hey, you can never outgrow the arcade," nick pouted, shooting him a firm look.

"all right, if you say so," clay grinned teasingly.

"whatever! now, poses! we have to think of poses! this has to be amazing!" nick cried enthusiastically. "okay, okay, we always did the secret agent one, so we have to do that."

the secret agent pose was where they stood back to back and made guns out of their fingers. as kids they loved such a pose, because all they ever dreamed of was a reality much more exciting than their own.

"can i kiss you?"

clay blinked in surprise and turned to glance at him. "what?"

nick shook his head quickly. "in a homie way, of course!" he chuckled bashfully. "you know, just on the cheek, and- and you can kiss me too! on the cheek. you know, it'll be funny!"

clay cleared his mind and grinned back. "in a homie way. yeah, okay," he agreed, only feeling pressure to accept due to the cramped space and the hopeful look in nick's eyes. he didn't want that to simmer away.

"so, secret agents, you kiss me, i kiss you, and then... silly faces?" 

"silly faces," clay giggled in agreement.

"awesome!" cheered nick. "let's do it!"

clay watched the machine eat nick's dollar, butterflies fluttering in his tummy, and quickly moved to pose for the first picture, the two of them laughing as they struggling with the cramped space. _1... 2... 3...!_ they put on their most serious faces, clay raising a comical eyebrows and nick coolly blowing at the tip of his finger gun.

"come here!" nick cried frantically, and before he knew it, clay had a pair of arms wrapped around his neck and soft lips against his cheek. in a panic, he scrunched his face up and smiled.

_2... 3...!_

"quick, quick! kiss me!"

clay wrapped his arms around nick in return, and in a panic he kissed him before the picture. nick gasped at the realisation, and clay, in more panic, kissed him again, and again, finally catching his cheek when the countdown ended. 

"dream!" nick exclaimed, stuck in a fit of giggles. clay's kisses were ticklish, and the embarrassment on his face was too funny, he couldn't help it. he had almost liked the kisses too, but the thought was fleeting as the countdown had begun.

"silly faces, silly faces!" clay cried, wishing to take away the attention from his awful mistake.

 _1... 2..._ clay dragged one eye down and stuck his tongue out, while nick threw up rock signs and stuck his tongue out, grinning wickedly as if he were a rock star. _3...!_

it was over, finally, and clay felt a stupid amount of pressure lift from his shoulders as he squeezed out of the booth. he felt as though he could finally breath now that there was some space between them, though he still felt his cheeks flared up.

nick didn't seem to notice his flustered state, far more concerned with grabbing the photograph reel from out of the machine.

"they're so cute," nick giggled, turning around and showing the strip to clay. "look, clay! you're totally blushing when you're kissing me, for like, the third time," he continued to giggle, leaning closer teasingly.

clay gazed at the photo reel, mostly at the kissing pictures. they really did look cute, specifically the one where clay kissed him, for nick was mid giggle, and in the picture his face was scrunched up, and clay had the urge to kiss all over his face once more, over his scrunched up nose. 

"shut up," clay grumbled, pushing him back. 

nick grinned up at him, and clay let out a shuddering breath and wished george would hurry up and join them again. the two of them together, sharing such an intimate moment, made it feel like the whole thing was a date, and clay hated to think about something he could never achieve.

"here. you keep the one of me kissing you, and i keep the one of you kissing me," nick chirped, tearing the photo strip and handing it to clay.

clay accepted it and sighed. 

his heart ached, wanting nothing more than for nick's kiss over his cheek to be genuine, to be more than homies, and not just because it was funny. 

despite the small pain he felt, he smiled down at the pictures and back at nick, slotting it into his jacket pocket safely. he would keep it forever, even if it didn't mean anything more than friendship.

"i'm back. did i miss anything?" george arrived conveniently. he didn't sound too interested at all.

"nuh-uh," nick said, pocketing his own photo strip, eyes twinkling. he marched for guitar hero and exclaimed, "andale! andale! i gotta beat dream right now!"

george hummed non-committedly and followed behind, eyeing between the two boys though still not saying anything.

"ready to get your ass handed to you?" nick purred, securing the guitar strap around his body and gripping the fingerboard.

clay mirrored the stance, though internally he wasn't very confident. guitar hero was his game, and clay would never, not even with the most amount of practice, would ever be able to beat him. nick was very passionate about his music, it was admirable really, but clay could still fake it and try his best.

he licked his lips and regarded george. "what flavour are you feeling, george?"

george feigned thought, nick rolling his eyes. "oreo? what about you, clay?"

dream pondered in the same fashion before he smirked at nick. "strawberry." the flash in nick's visage hinted that he knew exactly where he was going. "extra cream." the texan smiled rascally. "and double cherries."

"double or nothing?"

"double or nothing."

another day at the arcade, sealed by fate.

an atmosphere overtook them both, george becoming an outsider to their competition. the music was an easy pace at first, their fingers moving smoothly across the coloured buttons, until the notes got rougher and harder, more frequent and challenging for the average player.

george was watching closely behind them, contrary to their beliefs, and his eyes were specifically trained on clay. 

clay was playing moderately, though george caught his fingers slip over the wrong keys multiple times, and the glances he might have thought were private weren't so at all. 

he couldn't keep his eyes off of nick, constantly looking his way and gazing in adoration at the texan. it wasn't in a nervous sweat like george had supposed at first, rather clay had no commitment to the game and was simply entranced by nick, who was treating it as if he really was up on stage, playing to a crowd of rock junkies in his ripped skinny jeans and the band t-shirt neither of the boys recognized, layered over another long sleeve. time seemed to stop for clay as he let himself get enchanted, his hand falling slack against the guitar.

the song ended promptly, but for clay it hadn't ended at all, his mind still swirling as he watched nick celebrate in absence.  
  
"9-8 to nick," george said bitterly. 

"that's right, baby!" nick cried, gathering his winning tickets and basking in the glory.

clay tuck the guitar off of his body and returned it to the machine, a bashful look on his face. normally, he would protest, make excuses for his loss, but at that moment, with all of his feelings, he didn't have the energy to do so.

it came as a surprise to nick when clay offered a handshake of respect. he took it hesitantly.

"not going to have a fit this time?" he teased playfully.

"you won fair and square," clay mumbled, shrugging. he casually stretched his arms against his head, letting out a strained whine at the satisfying feeling it elicited in his body.

"wow."

"is it really that surprising that i'm accepting the loss?"

"you are a sore loser, dream."

"am not."

"are too!"

the two bickered for a moment until the three of them infiltrated the ticket station, where earned tickets were traded in for numerous different prizes. nick picked out a light saber he found for 400 tickets and wasn't shy in showing it off to the envious middle school children that were just a few hundred tickets short.

"grow up, nick," george sneered, watching him play with the saber and make the noises of it slicing the air.

when it was time to go home, they walked together, the sun setting behind them, in a comfortable silence. since nick and clay had always lived in the same neighbourhood, the group split ways when george had to go in the opposite direction.

"text the group when you get home, george," clay called as he began walking away, giving him a small wave.

"bye, georgie!" nick cried, waving with a bright smile. "love you!"

george waved at him with a roll of his eyes before he disappeared around the corner, leaving nick and clay alone again.

they continued the journey home, and the same warmth seemed to follow them, though this time with a hint of intimacy that wasn't present before. nick acknowledged that feeling. the youngest boy felt like apple crumble in his tummy, warm and gooey and pleasant, like a cold day on christmas alleviated by desserts and hugs and knitted mittens. he felt like he had relived his childhood, he felt like when his dad would pick him up from school and they would go to subway as his treat, felt like sleepovers with clay where they secretly watched horror movies because his stepmother wouldn't allow it and fall into each other's embrace in fear.

"clay," nick grinned, glancing up at him. "today was nice. i had loads of fun, dude!"

clay chuckled, nudging into him playfully, their bodies brushing together. "me too."

"it just reminded me how we haven't really done anything like that, you know, just the two of us." nick looked up at the melting sky and said wistfully, "we should do it again... don't you think?"

just the two of us.

clay didn't know how much of the two of them they could take, and nick had no idea what he was setting himself up for.

"sure," clay nodded. "sounds good."

"all right! wicked!"

"and nick?"

"yeah?"

"don't listen to george."

"hm?"

"don't ever grow up, okay? you're good just the way you are."

nick beamed at him and gripped the red weapon tightly, pressing the button and waving it right across clay's neck, leaving it horizontally beneath his chin as he leaned in.

"i won't ever grow up. you can count on it. i'll never become sad and grumpy like george!" he raced on ahead, roleplaying with the light saber toy, and relishing in the amused chuckles of clay that sounded behind him, the boy tucking his hands in the pockets of his brown blazer and following.

unbeknown to the both of them, a white blob-like creature was following behind them, hopping along the sidewalk, slipping behind lampposts, and smiling between the leaves of scattered bushes. its bleak eyes seemed to be trained on nick.

by just a few words, it really was sealed by fate. that day would change things forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was longer than i thought. once again not proof read, so ignore mistakes ^^'

nick's bedroom, his humble abode.

the white walls were plastered with posters; from his favourite bands and musicians, to star wars and naruto, to vinyls of his most played albums; whatever nick liked, he pinned those interests to the wall to be reminded of their existence and to feel good that he existed with them.

the dark floorboards were littered with his dirty laundry, as well as his clean laundry, comic books, football magazines, and volumes of manga he had put down and never picked back up again. instruments were scattered, - his wood guitar sat in one corner, electric in the other, and his cased violin peeked out from beneath his bed, placed next to an old pizza box, which wafted out a rather unpleasant smell, though nick, who was almost always stuffy nosed, hardly noticed it.

to put it simply, the eighteen year old lived his days as a typical college student to the fullest, without a single care in the world for a healthy lifestyle.

outside the window, framed by dark curtains that were left open, the dawn carried with it a tranquility that belonged in the first few pages of a fantasy fairy tale, but nick, basking in the once-upon-a-time sunlight, wasn't a single book in the library.

he was a porn magazine that was stashed at the very back in the restricted section, the ones he had committed to memory when he was a delinquent middle schooler and snuck back there, shooting the obvious security cameras cheeky grins as he got his deviant fingers on one.

thus, the classic notes of morning mood were harshly disrupted by the ear splitting shrieks of the college boy, who wrestled his tangled sheets and landed gracelessly over the bedside. the thump of his football body resonated throughout his house and promised complaints from his mother and father hours later, but that wasn't at all his priority.

nick let out a long, drawling groan, and took a minute to contemplate his life choices down on the floor.

he looked at the ceiling and thought that the shade of beige-cream was an awful colour. he scrunched his face up in disgust as he caught last night's movie theatre milkshake still on his tongue. he thought of the sandy haired, emerald eyed beach babe he had been dreaming of, until he was so rudely disrupted by the forces above, and then slowly, it clicked. 

his eyes snapped open and he thrashed up out of the covers, and looked bewildered at the lump in his remaining bedsheets that had triggered the boisterous reaction from the boy.

see, nick had been sleeping peacefully, with a baywatch fantasy keeping him warm and comfortable, a hot girl's honey kissed legs running towards him on a sunburnt beach. they were tan and freckled, and nick wanted to trace every spot with his lips.

really, it was every teenage boy's favourite wet dream, until it fell apart when nick slowly opened his eyes and came face to face with...

he unveiled the mystery, and confirmation of what he had seen stood before his tired green eyes.

nick, with the wet dirty blonde strands of the girl's hair still frolicking through his mind, had slowly opened his eyes in the middle of his sleep and came face to face with a smile. it looked as though it was drawn in marker pen on the head of a white blob creature that was stood limbless on his chest, simply beaming down at him as he had been sleeping, until it fell from his body as nick fell to the floor.

he blinked hardly, multiple times, almost comically, as he leaned away from the thing and cringed in disgust at the look of it.

it was a white body and a white head, and nothing else. it had no feet, no hands, no arms or legs, and it didn't look like it had any complex facial features at all. it just continued smiling, and – _what the hell?_ – it didn't even seem to be blinking.

"did i get high?" nick murmured to himself in confusion, gripping the edge of his bed harshly as he was still hunched over it. "did karl come over last night and i just can't remember?"

nick brushed a hand over his face to block out the light for a moment, and he thought hard. he tried to recall the fluffy hair of his new yorkan friend, tried to recall smoke rings, or joints, or packets of drugged up candy, but he could only see the visages of his two best friends and the scenes of the newest stars wars movie they had watched together.

he hadn't drank a single drop of alcohol on their outing either, and he was confident his milkshake hadn't been spiked, so there was no reason for him to be seeing things.

perhaps nick was going mad. he frowned in disappointment at the little white thing; he didn't think the day would come so soon, and he didn't think his madness would be accounted by such a pathetic creature. after all, the blob was no mad hatter or cheshire cat.

nick groaned, his head suddenly hurting. he looked up, let his hand fall from his eyes, and scampered back with a smaller shriek as the marker drawn face multiplied in size, the creature having hopped closer to him.

"stay away from me, you–! you thing!" he practically screeched.

he grabbed the baseball bat that was leaning against the bedside table and shoved it towards the blob, the wooden tip of it only barely brushing below its head.

"who sent you?!" he barked, much too loudly for his thin bedroom walls. his sister, nichole, was sleeping on the other side.

the blob didn't reply. it continued smiling and made the sudden movement of jumping up onto the baseball bat, causing nick to let out another girly cry, throw the bat away, and shuffle away from the creature. 

nick shivered as he realized his partial nudity from the draft that seemed to unpleasantly tickle at his balls through the thin material of his underwear. he glanced down at his crotch, then back at the smiling blob, and then felt exposed and the sudden urge to conceal himself. 

"don't you come any closer...! fiend...!" he hissed skeptically, wobbling up to his feet without breaking eye contact and grabbing a pair of sweatpants from amongst the dirty laundry.

the blob stood on the floor and smiled, and nick finally caught it blinking up at him quizzically. 

"weirdo," nick spat in annoyance at the thing, tying the drawstrings at his waist. "the hell do you think you're looking at?" he continued to mutter. 

once he was adequately dressed, sweatpants, and the t-shirt he had already been wearing, he examined the creature a little more. 

"don't come any closer, got it, dude? i swear, i'll deck you," nick warned as he slowly inched down to the floor.

they sat facing each other, two meters between them. nick glared, his arms and legs crossed and his back curled tiredly. the creature blinked up at him, and nick swore he could hear the wacky sounds of his bleak, black eyes opening and closing.

the blob was completely white and looked like it would feel plush in his palms. nick wasn't too keen on the idea of touching it though, eager to keep the distance that was between them, but he imagined it to squish under the pads of his fingers, like a mochi, but then slowly return to its normal shape. it was about the size of a small bunny, and seemed to warm at the cheeks, a gentle pink colour seeping into the white.

nick had never seen anything like it. he didn't even have an idea as to what it was. it wasn't an animal, and it looked far too realistic to be inanimate or robotic. it was beyond nick's understanding, and that's what made him fearful the most.

nick scrunched his face up. he was losing it, he was losing his goddamn mind. 

the more he looked at the blob, the more he was intimidated by it. he knew better than to show his weakness however, and surely the blob wouldn't think much of nick's girly screams.

or so he thought.

nick gazed in bewilderment as the blob began shaking. its head tipped forward slightly, as if it were laughing, and if the thing had limbs, nick imagined its shoulders to be bouncing upwards in amusement.

"are you laughing at me?!" he gasped incredulously. his shock morphed into offense quickly as his eyebrows furrowed angrily. "right, listen here, little dude, you ought to show some respect since i haven't thrown you out the window!"

the blob didn't appear to be affected by his implied threat. it just kept simpering.

before nick could yell at the blob again, threaten to give it the meanest uppercut he... she... it? had ever experienced, a thumping came from the wall, and nick's face dropped.

"shut the hell up!"

nick glared down at the blob. "this is all your fault!" he hissed quietly. the thumping continued, so nick reared his glare to the wall, as if he could see nichole's annoyed face, and exclaimed in a high, mocking tone, "shut the hell up!"

the blob finally stopped giggling as the thumping stopped too. nick waited for a moment, not moving, simply glowering at the creature, before he sighed deeply and let his tense shoulders fall. he would have to be quiet from then on. nichole was arguably more ferocious than their step mother when she was angry.

an idea popped into nick's head. "george," he muttered to himself, looking around his room. "george...!" he exclaimed quietly, spying it next to his violin, having fallen from his jean pocket at the end of the bed. "you," he said hardly, pointing at the blob. "move."

it wouldn't stop smiling, but it wasn't defiant. the blob hopped away, and nick watched pointedly as it did so, until it stood across the room, away from his bed. he dived for the opportunity while it couldn't suddenly attack him (he really did have the worst case scenarios in mind) and grabbed the phone, calling george.

he only took his eyes off the blob to glance impatiently at his phone screen. george didn't pick up. he called again. he waited, and waited. the blob stared back, blinking, smiling, standing their and behaving. george still didn't answer. nick called again. he called again. he called again, and again, and again, and...

"what the fuck is your problem?"

nick swooned. he had never been known to be serious about anything for so long. "wassup, daddy~."

"i swear to fucking god, nick, if you-"

"kidding, kidding! no, no, no! don't hang up! i called you for a reason, i promise!"

the blob's smile seemed to widen as it watched nick talk frantically into the phone, eating his words of playfulness quickly. nick shot it another flame of his fire for finding amusement in his struggles.

before george could complain some more and hang up, nick exclaimed like a helpless little girl, "gogy, listen, there's something in my room and i don't know what it is, okay?!"

"why me?" george's voice came through as an exhausted murmur, as if muffled against his pillow. he had given up. "why is it always me, you fucking arsehole?" he deadpanned.

nick couldn't help but grin a little. he had always found george's sailor mouth to be funny, particularly because the fowl language didn't suit the rainbow shoe ties he wore nor the beaded bracelets that piled up over his wrists.

"gogy, it's 'cos i trust you," pouted nick. "you're my emergency number!"

"well, change it," george said harshly, having not a single care for the sentiment, and nick not having a single care for his hostility. "what's in your fucking room then?"

"a blob."

"a what?"

"a blob, george."

"a blob?"

"yes, george, there's a blob in my room."

there was a moment of silence before nick had to keep the phone away from his ear, to protect himself from the onslaught of george's frustrated, misunderstanding profanities. he frowned indignantly, wondering why it was him to be chosen for this weird situation, and why george couldn't have called him at four in the morning wondering why there was fat white blob in his room!

"listen, i'm being serious, i swear it!" nick cried, putting the phone beneath his ear again. "georgie, i even pinky swear! i never break my pinky promises and you freakin' know that!"

george did know that, which is why, after a beat of silence, he sighed. "fine. facetime."

nick raced to switch the call up and in not time he was greeted with the brute of george's fatigue and irritation. he was sprawled across his character bedsheets, nick spying a cookie with a face on it and a sleepy koala, and he didn't look at all happy to see the latter. that was the case for most of the moments they were together though.

"you look cute," nick grinned.

"shut up and show me the blob," george almost growled. 

nick rose a teasing brow at the camera before he flipped it. he pointed his phone cautiously at the blob that was still dawdling there, behaving so very well, and still smiling. 

"there! that thing!" 

nick looked down at his phone, what was being captured, and found displayed exactly what he saw. it was the blob, and it was beaming at the camera, even leaning forward to be seen more and more. nick was starting to feel hopeful that this would be done and dusted, that he could catch a few more hours of sleep, but that hope was shattered when he glimpsed at george's face.

"is this a joke?"

"no! george, look! it's right there!" he even had the balls to shuffle a little bit closer to the creature. he pointed at it and gazed urgently at george. "i don't know what it is but it was sitting on me when i woke up and hasn't left ever since!"

"there's nothing there," george murmured.

"what?" nick looked away from his phone. the blob was there. he looked back at his screen, and it was there again. "are you fucking with me, george? don't do that, man; i'm already freaked out!"

george really didn't look happy. in fact, he looked more pissed than when nick had punched him in the nose that one lunch period. 

"i don't know if you think this is really funny-"

"george-! there's really something there! can't you see it?! it's white and doesn't have legs or arms, and-! and it's been laughing at me ever since, george! you gotta help me!"

"-but you can go eat shit and die."

and with that brutal spit of george's words, nick was faced with the call ended screen, left to gaze at his own pitiful eyes in the reflection of his phone. 

maybe he really was going mad. or maybe he wasn't even awake. maybe he had been dreaming and he hadn't realized it, stuck in the dream, and the only way out was to crawl back into bed and fall asleep within his dream, all to wake up in real life to everything completely unchanged.

he switched his phone off, rose to his feet and glared at the blob. "you're not real," he murmured. "i know you're not real! you thought you could fool me! well, think again, stupid bitch! i'm not fooled!" 

he stomped back into bed though kept his eyes trained on the blob as he did so, entangling his legs in the sheets, fluffing up his pillow, and cosying up on the very edge, just to keep watching. despite the discomfort of having the blob watch him back, nick closed his eyes. it was fine, it was all fine, because he knew that the blob wasn't real. there was nothing watching him! 

then he came to the realization, as he felt the sun beat against his eyes, that he hadn't closed the curtain again.

nick opened his eyes, found the blob, now sitting down on the floor. he flopped onto his back and groaned tiredly, wishing for a moment's rest. 

and perhaps for his emerald eyed, sandy haired, sun kissed skinned surfer girl to return to his dreams...

by the time nick woke up again, the sun was in the middle of the sky. his eyelashes fluttered at the sound of his stepmother's cries, and nick showed his gratitude to the forces above, for normally she would come up to his room and force him out of bed in the early mornings. 

with a frightened gasp, nick rose in his bed and frantically looked around. his mind had quickly filled with the mishaps of the earlier hours, so he surveyed the room for that unnerving smile and that round, bald white head.

he sighed in relief, and nervously laughed to himself. "so i was dreaming...!" 

as his mom continued calling for him, he called back and pulled himself out of his bed. he stretched his arms behind his head and sighed in pleasure, content that he hadn't gotten crazy and wasn't being haunted by a smiley faced, limbless white lump.

"gross, what is that smell?" he gagged to himself, bringing a hand up to his unstuffed nose. 

finally, nick spied the old pizza box and pulled it out from beneath his bed. he didn't scold himself in the slightest, rather he was more interested if there was anything left inside. he opened the box and, low and behold, there was a half eaten pepperoni slice, wrapped up in a music sheet nick recognized as mozart.

"crap.." he mumbled, unwrapping the pizza and placing the sheet he recognized as his homework on the bedside table, the notes soaked with grease and cheese. he hoped the musical genius could feel it in his grave the devotion nick had for his music, to use his sheets as napkins for his pizza too.

as he was about to lift himself and throw the pizza box away, his eyes caught a glimpse of something shiny. he blinked and peered around the leg of his bed frame for his eyes to sparkle like a magpie to silver at the sight of the photographs.

sandy hair, emerald eyes, sun kissed skin, freckles all over the cheeks. nick smiled down at the picture, his thumb instinctively moving to graze across the one where clay's lips were pressed against his cheek.

nick shook his head with a smile, scolding himself for getting so lost in the pictures. he couldn't help it. clay had been his friend for a long time, the worth of their friendship came from them being childhood friends all the way until they were facing the wider world together. it was only a matter of time before they were old together, thinking about such cherished moments.

"what are you doing?" 

he looked up at abrupt sound of his sister's voice and was met with her suspicious gaze. 

"who says you could be in my room?" he shot back in annoyance.

"mom did." nick couldn't question mom. "we can smell the pizza downstairs," nichole drawled, her nose twitching and her gaze dropping to burn into the wretched pizza box. "what's that?"

her attention shifted to the photo reel in his hand. 

"can't you mind your own business? here, take that." nick stood up and shoved the box into nichole's arms, ignoring her noise of defiance and her sound of disgust at the stench.

"you're so gross, nick!" she cried, holding her breath.

"yeah, yeah, see what happens when you go to college," he murmured as he rummaged through the cupboard of his bedside table. he found a stray pin and moved towards the pin board that hung on the wall beside his bed.

"i'm not a guy," she argued, eyeing up the board. 

"it happens to girls too, nichole," he sang teasingly.

nick placed the short reel of photos with his collection of all the others, and pressed the pin in firmly from the top. he stepped away from the board to admire it and smiled, content with how it looked, how the memories from yesterday sat with the memories from years ago when they were only in middle school.

he really did have fun that day. it reminded him that, despite him, clay and george being a trio, and george being his best friend too, nick had something more... special, more... intimate. he had felt it when they children too, and now, feeling it again, it made nick's cheeks hurt.

"are you two dating now?"

nick turned around, snapped out of his trance once again by his sister. "what?" 

nichole looked at him innocently and then glanced at the pin board, at the photo of them kissing. "well, he's kissing you, so i just thought so," she shrugged.

"okay, and?" nick scoffed, beginning to move around his room. "it's on the cheek, and friends can kiss while still being friends. you've kissed drista on the cheek before."

nichole watched him closely as he started picking up his dirty laundry, which was unusual, because he only ever actually did something about the scattered clothes when their step mother had an angry tirade around his room.

"yes," she answered. "but you looked at it so closely; it's like you're going out or something."

"what the hell are you talking about?" scoffed nick, tossing a pair of old jeans into his wash basket. "we're just best friends, and yesterday felt like when we were little kids." he turned around sharply and looked at his sister like she was insane. "and anyway, i'm not gay!"

nichole blinked. "you're not?"

"what the hell, nichole?! you've been thinking i'm gay this entire time?!"

"bi, at the very least. what? you just... give off those vibes, you know? i just figured."

nick gazed at her incredulously, disbelieving that she would get such a thing from him. "get out," he scowled, dropping the t shirt he was holding blatantly on the floor to guide her out of his room.

"nick," nichole stammered as she was pushed out by him. "it's okay if you're gay, you know...! mom and dad wouldn't mind either, so-"

nick scowled again. "well, i'm not, idiot!" he cried, shoving her out of the room and giving her a harsh glare. "next time, knock!" he exclaimed, before slamming the door in her face and cutting off whatever else she had to say.

he stood there for a moment, back pressed against his bedroom door, and caught his breath, wondering when he had started fuming so hardly he had stopped breathing properly. he didn't know why what nichole had said had riled him up so much, but he didn't like the lingering feeling of wonder it had left.

"whatever," he heard her mutter behind his door. "mom's calling. wants you to go over to clay's to drop something off." and with that, she left, nick letting his shoulders fall once he could no longer hear her footsteps down the stairs.

he took a moment to clear his head. he figured that it was the stress of dealing with that stupid blob dream that had made him so flustered. yeah, that must have been it. 

nick continued with his day, though made no attempt to clean the rest of his room. he took a piss, showered, brushed his teeth, and got dressed for a mellow sunday. 

his closet was filled with band merch, dark jeans, plaid shirts, and at the bottom of it sat his favourite, most expensive pair of heavy duty boots he had gotten himself as a treat. there might have been one bright colour in there and it was a single orange t-shirt. he threw on a zeppelin shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and slipped his feet into some sandals.

he dried his hair by machine until he could comb his fingers through the long brown strands smoothly, and then tied it up at the back, allowing a few strands to cascade around temple, and dragged a comb through his neatly shaved beard lining his jaw. he gazed into the mirror for a brief second finally, and was happy to see that his acne hadn't made an appearance that month, and all in all was content with his image.

life was splendid. he was sure of his sexuality, and he wasn't going mad, seeing hallucinations or anything out of the ordinary.

"what time do you call this?"

nick let out a whine and rubbed at his forehead as his stepmother had flicked him on the forehead when he leaned in to kiss her cheek. she was stood at the kitchen counter completing the task of filling a tupperware container.

"it's a sunday," he frowned, leaning in again and catching her cheek. 

"how many times have i told you not to keep food in your room, nicholas?!" nick whined again as he grabbed at his cheek and pulled, shooting him a scolding glare.

"i forgot, mom!" he pouted harder, giving her the look, the one he had trying to perfect to get him out of situations where he deserved to be pulled by the ear. "mommy, don't say my full name like that, you know i really, really love you...!"

"oh, stop," she sighed, shaking her head. "i'll let you off because you look especially handsome," she hummed, looking up and down, grazing his cheek with her hand and flicking at the ponytail low on his head. "your hair's grown so much."

"thanks, mom!" he chirped, feeling even more comfortable in his skin. he had always been a mother's boy. "what did you want me to do?"

"clay's mother told me that drista's not been feeling well. she didn't do as well as she had hoped on a test." she closed the filled container, the lid securing itself into it with four satisfying clicks. "i thought i would make her favourites to boost her morale."

nick licked his lips as he gazed down at the filipino treats his mother had made, recognizing them as maja blanca, squares of coconut milk pudding. the trips to clay's family house were often, his mother finding great pleasure in making them treats for her culture. 

since he and clay were childhood friends, they had grown up with eachother's families, which is why their mothers were best friends attached to their phones, their fathers went on fishing trips annually, and drista and nichole had sleepovers alternating between houses. they had spent chirstmas dinners, birthday parties, baby showers, funerals with their fingers locked together, with their shoulders brushing as they walked forward into life, growing up and up to see the other change and mold into who they were in the present day.

in all aspects, clay and nick's lives were intertwined. he smiled down at the desserts; he really liked that they were best friends. he really liked that fate seemed to be keeping them attached.

once again, nick was yanked out of his daydream, though this time by a loud crash from behind them. 

"what was that?" said his bewildered mother.

nick followed the sound of the crash to the doorway of the kitchen, which led to the living room, and was shocked by what he saw. it wasn't mogwai, his orange furred cat that was darting towards him with the determination of when he was teased with a red light, rather it was the white, smiling, limbless blob he was chasing, the one hopping away as if its life wasn't at risk of being eaten by nick's unhinged cat, the blob who was supposed to be just a dream!

"mogwai, what's the matter with you?!" came nichole's cry, the girl rushing into the room and looking like she had been to hell and back.

nick couldn't move when the blob beamed up at him for the second that he could before hopping between his legs, mogwai following and slipping between too.

"nick!" 

"on it!" 

with his mind working at the speed of light, he chased after the cat and the blob, skipping the steps up the stairs and skidding back into his room. he yelled mogwai's name as he shut the door, as the cat leaped onto the bed, up to the shelves of nick's music textbooks, knocking them over, and all over the furniture, following the blob's tail.

"here! come here, you stupid thing!" he cried, glaring at the damn blob that was causing this mess.

for a second he doubted once more if he was truly awake, until the blob leaped from above and landed right into his palms, nick catching it and raising it above the cat that stood and pawed at his legs for a taste of it. 

"down, mogwai," he commanded, shaking him off of his leg. mogwai didn't listen. he only mewled harder for the blob.

"did you catch him?" came his little sister, breathing heavily. 

she blinked at what she saw with her own eyes, nick with his arms raised, carrying nothing, and mogwai reaching desperately for his empty palms, as if he had been teasing him with fish. 

"what the hell," she muttered in confusion.

nick coughed. he slowly crossed his arms, unsure of where to put them without putting the damn thing in danger. the blob didn't seem to mind, simply dangling as if it were a ragdoll form nick's palms.

"get him out of here," he said, looking pointedly down at mogwai.

"he hasn't acted up like that in a long time," nichole mumbled. "come here, mogwy, come on," she cooed, scooping the distressed cat up. "stop it, mogwai, you've caused enough trouble!" she exclaimed as mogwai wasn't leaving without more of a fight, struggling against her body and trying to crawl over her shoulder. 

when nichole and mogwai left, nick was quick to get to his door and close it. he pressed his back against it again, and slid down this time, sitting on the floor exhausted as the blob wriggled out of his fist and stood on his thigh.

this time, nick didn't cower. he was much too tired, and he was starting to accept that it existed, that it was there to stay. 

"you dumb thing," he whispered breathlessly. "look at the mess you've made."

surprise, surprise. all it did was smile.

mogwai could see it too apparently. at least nick knew for sure this time that he wasn't, to quote the words of george, _fucking_ _mental_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !!! hope u enjoyed !! WE FINALLY MEET THE FIRST BLOB WOOOOO 
> 
> i added details into chapter one about their clothes but ill just say that i wanted to give each character an aesthetic!! so sapnap is grunge/rock, george is kidcore, karl is psychedelic skater boi, alex is soft, and dream is dark academia :] i just love the idea of each one of them dressing totally different to each other and it's just fun to imagine 
> 
> AND I LOVE ACADEMIA DREAM SM !!!
> 
> ALSO in this sapnap looks more like mc skin than his irl self I JUST WANTED TO GIVE HIM THE LONG BROWN HAIR LOL
> 
> **comments encourage me lots so don't be shy !!!! kudos are cool too, i just love knowing what you think :] 
> 
> you can follow me on twt @nihilisums to know when i post and about ideas/stories !! tysm for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

on another day, the sun filtered through the blinds just the way clay liked it, glaring patterns all over his room, her gentle palms enveloping his cheeks and grazing warm thumbs across his freckled bones. she told him, good morning, lightened his eyelashes, and, as he acknowledged her celestial light, welcomed him back to life.

at least, that's how clay saw it, because it sounded much more poetic than an embarrassment of little panda bears clambering all over his face to wake him up.

opening his eyes to a new day, clay felt the familiar pattern of blunt claws and the brushes of fur walk across his cheeks, and then the velvety pad of a tongue and the light wetness of its licks. he had felt such a feeling for years and years every morning to know for a fact that the culprit wasn't patches.

he yawned and lifted himself up, and took the creature by its back. he lifted it from sitting on his cheek so it wouldn't tumble down his face and chest and smack into his lap, and hovered it in front of his face.

"g'mornin', puppy," clay said sleepily, morning voice dark chocolate with its low but soft tone.

the panda pinched by his thumb and forefinger panted excitedly, the tongue that had been licking at his cheek hanging from the corner of its fanged mouth.

pupnap, clay had named him, when he and nick were thirteen. the palm shaped panda bear took the traits of a puppy, both physical and mental, its panda bear ears replaced by the floppy ones of a chocolate labrador. 

"as excited as ever, i see," clay smiled fondly, spying the unmissable franticness of pupnap's raggedy brown tail where a black panda tail should have been. "just like him," he sighed with a pleasant smile.

clay looked around his room, his sanctuary of books, loose paper, ink pens and words. the walls were cream, and against them were doodles and line drawings of faces and single facial features, from small green eyes, to sharp eyebrows, to the thin, laughing lips of a happy, young boy. they were moments during lectures where he couldn't pay attention, his lack of focus down to his adhd, though also down to his nick concentrated thoughts. he let the flick of his wrist and the ink in his pen cascade all of his lovey dovey thoughts all over the corners of his pages.

lines of poetry he had left behind were littered between such drawings when he couldn't conjure up those images, when all he could do was put his feelings into metaphors. from the stardust in one's eyes that made clay feel as if he were floating, to the different melodies of his laughter; the small, childish giggles, and the immature barks to something crude and stupid, both symphonies making clay's heart ache.

he might as well have lived in a library, an art gallery, his bedroom practically a museum for his romantic thoughts.

clay hummed and glanced down at pupnap. "the other pandas aren't around?" pupnap shook his head, tongue flailing with his bobble head movements. "looks like it's just the two of us then, huh." pupnap nodded, tail still wagging, and clay smiled down at him warmly.

usually, clay would wake up to much more chaos to his liking. rocknap would be mounting patches and chasing pupnap around the room, knocking over his leather bound journals from the shelves and carving scratches into the dark mahogany furniture from leaping this way and that.

the energy of the rest of the pandas would wake up poor babynap, sapnap trying his best to soothe the literal baby panda. poutnap would get so worked up that he'd start screaming too, and then soothing the both of them became clay's problem. 

sometimes all five of the pandas would show up, and sometimes only one of them, and only rarely did none. clay thought about it as he got to his bathroom. the very last time he had woken up with none of the pandas around was when he was sixteen and he and nick had had a little bit of a disagreement.

"you know the routine, dog breath," he snarked to pupnap while brushing his teeth, his mouth frothing with the paste. 

clay ran a hand through the messy tussles of his dirty blonde hair as he opened up the bathroom cabinet above the sink and retrieved the mini toothbrush. he dabbed a bit of toothpaste on and pushed it into the puppy dog face of pupnap, his eyes wobbling and his face all scrunched up.

"come on now, you're pupnap, not poutnap. now brush your teeth," he commanded with a waggling finger. 

he smiled in victory as the puppy panda relented, and took the toothbrush in its little paws and opened his mouth wide, scrubbing at his canines in sync with clay. 

"good boy," he praised, reaching over and rubbing his forefinger gently between his puppy ears, to which pupnap responded with a giddy jump of his shoulders.

the familiar brush of fur came between clay's ankles, and when he looked down, he smiled wider at the presence of his actual pet, patches, who curled her long tail around his muscled calf.

she always did get close whenever clay got too affectionate with pupnap, and pupnap only, the tabby cat not being at all fond of the panda wearing a trenchcoat in the form of dog ears and tail. he found it funny and adorable, that patches was living and accepting to every other panda bear, even having a friend in rocknap, but couldn't, for the life of her, tolerate pupnap.

clay spat, gargled, and ran his tongue across his teeth, feeling the freshness after he was done. he took the cap of the toothpaste, filled it water, and handed it to pupnap, who mimicked his actions. spat, gargled, and tongue over fangs.

patches mewled jealously. she was feeling a bit left out.

"you can't brush your teeth, kitty," he said softly, his syllables jumping the way it naturally did when he was in a particularly nice mood, or when he simply spoke to patches. she mewled up at him stubbornly, butting her head into his leg. "i know you want to, patches, but you'll get sick," clay continued, walking around her slinky body with pupnap hanging onto his shoulder.

despite the occasional chase between pupnap and patches, and the general delinquency of rocknap, clay's life with his five panda bears was blissful.

more than anything, clay was interested in the inquisitions – how was it possible that the universe had made mini pandas simply _poof!_ into existence on account of his unrequited love? was this the modern day cupid? was clay the only one, or were there other lovesick fools given their own little friends? clay had researched so hard into the unfathomable occurrence that he was sure his internet provider thought him insane for the variations of his searches. _why are there pandas following me? things appearing because of crush. i am seeing things after realising i am hopelessly in love with my best friend. why did a panda appear after i watched my best friend wrestle my other best friend? science behind crushes. am i going crazy?_

search after search, book after book, clay couldn't find a single thing related to his problem. not even the internet, where freaks and weirdos lurked, could help him with a clue or answer. he looked into aliens, life on other planets, different dimensions, the paranormal, but still, he couldn't find a single thing on these friendly creatures. with how things were going it seemed like clay was all alone, being the only idiot to have butterflies constantly in his stomach.

whatever, clay always thought after another night of searching, on the hunt for anything.

it had been years since they had made their appearances, so clay had no problem coordinating his life as opposed to someone only finding out about their playmates. he was happy, thought of them as company, as his little companions. he took them with him to most places, lectures, outings, football matches and practice. everyone around him didn't know any better, but he did, and he was fine.

"ah, sorry, puppy," the green eyed boy said, feeling the stripe of a lick against his jawline. he gazed at pupnap who was sitting on his shoulder. the panda puppy tilted his head at him, ears flopping to the right. "it was nothing. i was just in my head again," clay reassured, giving him a smile. pupnap grinned smugly in response, and clay's smile dropped into a stubborn pout. "no, it was not about nick this time, dumb dog."

pupnap bit him as he looked away, on the neck, but the little thing was so little that clay barely felt it, his canines tickling more than anything.

clay remembered the first time he felt that bite. it was almost twelve, a few minutes before the celebration of the new year.

the entire night he had been tugged around the fairground by nick, their hands locked together, clay gazing at their fingers, their skin, their symbol of everlasting friendship through the flurry of the bright lights and blaring fairground music. they had only separated when they stopped to play the games, hook a duck, shoot the aliens, the strength test, and as soon as they were done, given their prizes of stuffed animals and lollipops the size of their hands, their hands returned together, like magnets, in the same mess of fingers.

clay could hardly focus. at this point, he had already been greeted with his first panda, regular, just a simple bear with dark eyes, ears, paws and legs, a round white body and head, and a soft button nose. he had mulled over his feelings, the moments of queasiness he felt whenever nick smiled at him, the day at the arcade that changed everything - he knew exactly where he stood, and he knew that nick wasn't simply his best friend.

thus, holding hands for so long a time, being so closed to him, having their shoulders bump so harshly together clay would stumble to the side; it was all making his poor heart ache so hardly. his little thirteen year old body couldn't contain all of those hard feelings.

they got to the top of the hill, the merriment of the fairground, the buzz of children and their families, the circus music, now faint and below them. nick had insisted they leave, go to the very top to watch the firework show, that it would be way cooler.

"clay...!"

the dirty blonde looked his way, and felt his heart do a double take as he realised how close they had gotten, their noses almost bumping into each other.

"you okay, man?" nick pouted. their hands were still together. he could feel every movement intensely, nick's thumb brushing against his knuckle, whether he meant it to or whether the move was instinctual. it meant all the same to clay. "you've been quiet this entire time."

clay gulped. "it... doesn't feel real," he mumbled. "it... feels... more like a dream."

nick blinked at him, and then giggled. "dude, what?" 

clay stammered, looking at him closely. "i mean... s-something like that! i guess..."

"man, you're getting weirder and weirder, you know that?" nick smiled, nudging him by their shoulders. "what's the matter, clay? is it a girl?" he teased.

clay laughed with him helplessly, shook his head. _no, it's not a girl_ , he thought, gazing up at the sky as the people of the fairground began counting down. _it's you, nick_ , he smiled, nick joining in with them, bouncing their hands up and down as he did so, as his chin was tipped up to the sky in excitement. _it's all you._

the fireworks started with a bang, the first one shooting up into the sky and bursting with bright purple glitter. it started the show, eliciting gasps from the people below, a short pause boosting their adrenaline, until the night flourished with every complimenting shade, from purples to golds to cobalt blues that reminded clay of royalty, to greens and yellows and pinks that showed him meadows and cottages. 

his eyes dropped from the sky shortly after and they focused on the sight much more beautiful to him. nick. he flooded with the same colours, his deep green eyes reflecting every flash of light. his jaw dropped, entranced by the display, and his eyebrows shot up. his cheeks bunched up, rosy and happy, as he laughed giddily when the fireworks circled around in the sky like a dog chasing its tail, the sky screeching at its ascent. 

it was his vitality that made clay feel so fond. nick had been looking forward to new years even before christmas, and once christmas had passed, he hadn't shut his mouth about the celebration of fireworks.

they hadn't come with their parents, because nick thought it lame, but clay liked to think it, told himself that it was because nick wanted it to be them, alone, with nobody else around.

he liked his excitement, liked how he was impressed by even the smallest of things, by the cotton candy machine, by just how many balloons one man could hold without floating up, up and away, to the bigger things too, to the fireworks, the smoke they left in the sky, and everything else about that night.

clay found that he didn't mind nick tugging him around, racing off in this direction, and then the next, like a doting owner to his spoiled puppy. he couldn't help but feel fond of his enthusiasm for anything and everything, curious, yearning for an adventure, as if he were reborn every single day. 

it was then, as a scorching orange flashed before nick's eyes, and painted his features in fire, that clay felt it, the ticklish sting of his forefinger on the hand that wasn't being held. 

he looked to the side, his hand buried in the grass, and blinked down at the creature, a panda dressed like a dog, that had a good chunk of his digit inside his bitey mouth. they stared at each other, the panda puppy's eyes shining with a brilliance he saw in nick's, before the panda let go and scampered up the sleeve of his sweater.

yeah. he remembered that feeling, of paws against his goosebumped skin, of the sound of its pants against his ear as it perched on his shoulder. he remembered glancing at nick as they were joined by a third companion, though nick was much too distracted and didn't know any better.

clay smiled at pupnap, mind fresh with the childhood memory, and placed him on the bedside. "you wanna go for a walk, puppy?" he said, walking to his wardrobe for something to wear. pupnap did want to go for a walk, if his excited barks were anything to go by. 

clay was fine with keeping everything a secret. he didn't mind the panda bears staying forever. they were nice, kept him from being lonely in his own apartment alongside patches.

nick was straight after all. there wasn't even a possibility where he could love him back, and clay had accepted that years ago. 

he could keep drawing the lips he wanted to kiss, the long waves of hair he wanted to intertwine his fingers in, his hands he wanted to draw patterns into. he could keep comparing him to the sun and moon and stars, blades of grass in flowered fields, the feeling of lemonade on a hot day, of watermelon on the beach, of zero gravity and zero oxygen. he could dedicate graphite and ink to nick while nick raced on ahead with his life, and clay would be content just watching him, being tugged by his lead and forced to follow, fond.

everything was okay the way it was, pandas and all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit shorter than the last one but i think i want to keep clay's perspective shorter than nick's anyway :)
> 
> and holy !! shit !!! i can't tell you how proud i am of this chapter because ugh!!! it makes ME feel butterflies with how lovely it is AAAA!!! i'm so happy with myself and this work :) i hope you enjoyed it too~ AND UM!!! INTRODUCING PUPNAP!!! I LOVE THIS BOI !!!
> 
> comments are much appreciated <3 and you can follow me on twitter if you want to :) i love making new friends and interacting with anyone who wants to !! @nihilisums


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i will go over this some time please please ignore anything that is wrong or just. bad this was a bitch to write 
> 
> get comfortable it's LONG.

" _i'm just a kid_ ," drawled nick as he dragged his feet across the school campus, towards the cafeteria. " _and life is a_ fucking _nightmare_ ," he bitterly snapped to himself, feeling his anger spiking in his fists at his sides.

he had always thought these moments of a protagonist's misery while a depressing rock song played as they walked to school was only an aesthetic of the coming of age movies, yet there he was, feeling as though cameras were following every step of his combat boots and the agitated furrow of his eyebrows.

as he felt like the butt of a joke, the epitome of irony, as his palms throbbed, his wallet felt empty and his calves burned, nick felt like giving a big, fat middle finger to whatever force above that decided to have some fun by giving him the worst start to the day as possible.

it started at midnight. overwhelmed by the appearance of the blob, nick had completely forgotten the worth of the grease ridden music sheet of mozart on his bedside table; that he had unfinished summer work he needed ready to present on the very first monday of his music major. it was as he was relaxing in his bed, teeth brushed, pants kicked off to the floor, that he sat up with a fright at the realisation and began to slave away until the early hours of morning. 

his eyes were sunken with his sleep deprivation as he showered, he could feel the electric shocks of his exhaust through his arms and legs as he achingly pulled on skinny jeans and a black turtleneck, and he had splashed milk all over the kitchen counter trying to serve himself some breakfast, in his sleepy state missing the bowl.

nick couldn't think of a more appropriate way to describe how he felt other than absolute shit. 

it was when he stepped out of the house and into the garage, his father's and his band equipment stored at the side, that he came to another realisation. he stood beside his car and his eyes widened at the thick layer of dust that had settled on the bumper of his metallic black range rover.

"motherfucker," he murmured beneath his breath, promptly unlocking it, swinging the driver's door open and turning the car on. "motherfucker," he repeated as it came to life, a low humming following. " _motherfucker!_ " he exclaimed finally as the arrow of the gas gauge flickered up for a second before dropping back down to zero.

nick flinched as he dropped his forehead to the steering wheel in defeat, his mother's shriek echoing from inside the house. the entire neighbourhood must have heard her scold, and they also would have heard nick's insincere apology as he yelled back with all the energy he had left in him.

living with his family while he was going to college meant that he had to take a forty minute drive just to get there whenever he had classes. it was his personal preference to do so as he wasn't very fond of the idea of sharing a living space with a complete stranger, so most mornings he was more than happy to take the long drive, stop off at a subway and enjoy a bit of karaoke as he got there.

now he had to take two buses. nick didn't like buses. they were public, and he wasn't very fond of people being too close to him. they made him anxious and it was especially awful if there were children on board too. children were menaces, and they would never stop giving him the looks.

nick closed his eyes, let himself breathe for just a moment. he could feel himself teetering off to sleep, but he willed his body stay awake. with how things were going it was as if he were doomed to fall the moment the white creature had appeared. he had had an amazing time at the arcade, unlocked a treasurable memory with clay, and george, but as soon as he was made aware of the mysterious blob, it had all started going downhill.

the only way the morning could get worse was if he missed the bus, nick thought as he breathed softly, his shoulders feeling soft. his ears twitched, catching the low humming. it got louder and louder, until it got quiet again. 

he purred, adjusted himself against his steering wheel. a little rest felt good. the strings attached to his joints had loosened, anvils had dropped on his eyelids, and for a moment, nick was at peace.

until he wasn't.

his eyes snapped open. he jumped out of the car, yanked out the key, and slammed it shut. "no," he muttered. the humming wasn't his lullaby. it was a warning, an alarm, but nick hadn't realised. his voice for increasingly more louder as his stomached dropped. "no... no...! no! no! fuck no!" 

nick yanked his backpack from the floor of the garage and ran out without another concern for his car. the bus, the very bus he needed to board to school, was driving away down the road and leaving a trail of smoke behind it.

"hey!" he howled at the top of his lungs. he ran down the street, his boots thundering against the sidewalk. "hey, wait up!" he yelled, his voice echoing throughout the entire neighbourhood, guaranteeing complaints to his parents later. 

the bus wasn't stopping for him. nick looked desperately, still running, and for a second he thought of simply stopping. the sound of the engine wasn't going to allow his screams to be heard from so far away. he could give up, go back home. he would have to climb through his window because his stepmother wouldn't allow him to stay if she knew. call in sick, sleep the whole day, have some peace.

that thought was a flicker of candlelight. nick had gone through too much, had already come too far. if he were to let life get away with it, he wouldn't feel good about himself. he wasn't going to give up just yet. so he ran, carried himself with his legs across the street like his life depended on it to keep up with the bus, alert the driver and make him stop. he had too much anger from the terrible morning to let it all go further down the drain, so the boy growled fiercely, his throat hurting from the force, and pushed his feet to sprint harder, faster, to catch the door of the bus and the driver's attention. 

" _STOP!_ "

he felt the wind through his hair. it smacked against his high and wound around his jaw. he wasn't the most athletic person so his entire body started to burn not long after he had started running, but he didn't care. he felt the flames simmer in his calves and felt appreciative of it, felt like all of his frustration had materialised through fire in his veins. he needed to run the heat off, growl and scream at the forces above for screwing him over.

" _THE!_ "

he felt good. he felt free. a handful of animes had such scenes; despite the struggle, he felt as empowered as he ever had done. the protagonist was shoved to the floor by his enemies and with a few words of affirmation he powered up, illuminated by the light of his power, and screamed with all of his might. naruto, goku, luffy; all the best main characters went through their downs and came on top victorious.

" _FUCKING!_ "

nick just couldn't remember when they tripped over their own feet and faceplanted on the floor in defeat.

" _BU-!_ "

his breath caught his throat as the world tipped over, as he felt his right foot collide with his left ankle, as the bus disappeared around a right corner and when all he could see was the stone ground getting closer and closer. the fantasy was broken. he wasn't a shounen protagonist, he didn't have powers beyond the world, he was just regular ol' nicholas, eighteen year old texan boy with bad habits and zero accountability for his responsibilities.

strike three - he had ripped the skin on his hands and missed the bus, leaving him stranded.

nick groaned as he hit the floor, as his palms burned upon the impact of the rough ground. the sound of the bus got quiet, until it wasn't there anymore, until all he could hear were the giggles and snickers of children. he mumbled a colourful array of profanities, rolling his body to the side and shifting himself onto his backside. 

multiple feet pitter pattered and the sound of a bicycle rolled over until nick was delighted with company during such an embarrassing moment that would most definitely haunt him forever.

"nick, are you okay?!"

as his palms tingled, nick narrowed his eyes away from the big, round eyes of toby smith, concern swimming between his gentle blue eyes. 

"i'm fine," he grumbled in humility, his cheeks burning the same shade as his wounds. the obnoxious laughter hadn't stopped, loud and annoying. "would you shut up?!" nick snapped, throwing his glare towards the one guilty.

thomas simons, the self-proclaimed leader of their little gang. with curly hair, braced teeth, and body clad in his yellow school backpack, he cackled as if seeing nick fall was the funniest thing he had ever seen, which probably was to his childishly sadistic ways. 

"you thought...! you thought you were so cool...!" he wheezed, his british accent reminding of a certain somebody and annoying him even more. "and then you just fell...! like a fucking idiot...!"

"dude, shut up," scowled clay's sister, drista, her hair light and tied up into a high ponytail and her visible knees covered in bee-themed plasters. she was the other self-proclaimed leader, the both of them fighting constantly for the position of leadership. she was much more pleasant to nick than tommy, having grown up with him too, so shoved the taller blonde to the side in defiance of his laughs and gazed at him in sympathy.

"oh, please, you laughed too, dris." and finally, nick's sister, nichole, who leaned her arm against drista's shoulder and grinned down at him. "that's what you get for taking my tv time last night," she cooed, her smiling stretching like a stuck up cat, swindling his owner of more food.

nick had a theory that his and clay's mothers had planned it out, planned to have a baby at the same time and had simply hoped that the both of them would be girls. the universe seemed to listen to their wishes and nichole and drista had become best friends just like he and clay were. 

tommy and toby, otherwise known as tubbo, were british boys that had moved to their town and a street away from their own. naturally, drista and nichole had befriended them, being the only kids on the blocks the same age as each other. since nichole entered elementary school, the two boys had become intertwined in nick's life too.

"you're bleeding...!" toby had always been a friend to nick, like a younger brother he never had. whenever he came over to the armstrong home he was always polite to nick, always asked him how he was, and sometimes they even had full blown conversations and simply hung out. 

"i'm fine, tubbo. just a few scratches, 's all," nick reassured. his voice unconsciously got softer compared to when he addressed tommy. 

the soft words were no match for toby's hospitality. he dropped to the floor, shrugged his backpack off of his shoulder and rummaged through it. nick opened his mouth to stop him, tell him again that it was okay, but he knew all too well that toby wouldn't stop. he sighed gently and allowed it to happen, allowed himself to simply sit on the sidewalk in shame.

"what did you think would happen? that you'd catch the bus with your short little legs?" sneered tommy, crossing his arms over his chest. if toby was a sweet, hospitable angel, tommy was his counterpart, a mean, scheming devil.

tommy was the evil little brother, the brother nick was glad he didn't have. he was the brother that purposely ate your leftovers, started a fight and then cried about it to gain sympathy from your parents and get you into even more trouble, the spoiled brat who took everything from your hands and flaunted it in your face. thomas simons put satan to shame with his sardonic ways.

"fuck off, tommy, i'm literally taller than you." he caught the grimace of toby's face beside him as he worked on his palms, unwrapping the same bee themed plasters that littered drista's knees.

"yeah, tommy," chimed drista, shooting him a look. "nick's a man and you're a child." 

toby worked quietly and carefully. it stung as he pressed the bandaids onto his spots where his skin had torn on the ground.

tommy scoffed and through his nose up. as he spoke like a crown adorned his blonde curls, nick could spy the elastics of his braces. "i'm close to your height, and i'm only fourteen." he and nick always did have fiery discourses about height, and deep down, nick wished, hoped to the gods that the boy would stop growing soon. "besides, i'm more of a man than you'll ever be."

nick hissed. "oh yeah? how'd you figure that out?" he scoffed, nodding gently at toby's apologetic gaze. he was finished with the left hand, so moved onto the right.

the eighteen year old looked curiously as he spied the glance tommy and nichole shared before tommy spat it out.

"i get way more women than you do," he said, continuing to speak in the same extravagant tone he always did speak in.

nick's lips stretched into a sardonic smile. "excuse me? please," he sneered, not giving tommy the privilege of his attention and instead watching toby finish patching up his right palm.

"what do you mean, please?" tommy scoffed back, and turned to toby too. "tell him, tubbo, tell him how a girl kissed me last week!"

that got nick's attention. he snapped towards tommy in disbelief, "what?" he gulped insecurely to himself. he had his first kiss when he was almost sixteen and a half, which wasn't even that long ago.

"it was hardly a kiss," drista sighed, rolling her eyes. 

"it was too a kiss," tommy argued defensively, his bushy eyebrows furrowing.

nichole shook her head in disagreement. "real kisses have tongue," she added.

nick's face twisted in disgust. "nichole?!" discussing what was a valid kiss with a couple of tweens wasn't ideal for a monday morning, but discussing it with his little sister was even worse.

"god, you sound just like dad."

"all done!" toby chimed beside him. nick glanced at his hands and smiled, smiled up at his glittering face.

"thanks, kiddo." he ruffled the thick mop of his brunette hair and felt his heart soften at how he braced himself beneath it, as if loving the touch.

the soft moment was ruined, of course, by tommy's fat mouth and his awful british accent. he got up to his feet along with toby and sighed, glancing at the digits on his watch. if he didn't find a way to get on the road he would be late for class for sure.

"kiss or no kiss, i've never seen you with a girl before," tommy drawled, raising a challenging brow at him. "kind of sus, bro," he added, mocking the american way of speaking.

nichole's words seemed to echo in his mind. he frowned, his fine eyebrows itching closer together and an accusatory gaze shooting towards the girl. she narrowed her gaze, red handed, and nick felt his gut churn. " what the hell have you been discussing with them, nichole? i'm not gay! you know that, right?!"

"even if you were gay," toby muttered unsurely. "there's nothing wrong with that."

"you're right, tubbo, there isn't," drista said firmly. "isn't he right, tommy?"

"yeah? i'm not homophobic! he just doesn't get girls," tommy laughed with his whole body, his shoulders bouncing. it reminded nick of when the damned blob had laughed at him too; he was starting to get tired of being the butt of jokes. "and even if you were gay, you wouldn't get guys either."

nick's frown deepened. he shifted on his feet. "what do you mean, i wouldn't get guys? i could totally get guys!" when tommy and nichole looked at him weird, he cleared his throat, tipped his scruffy chin up and feigned confidence. "i'm a hit with the men and the ladies...!"

tommy tilted his head to the side. "aren't you a virgin?"

nick dropped his head, his expression twitching in embarrassment. "where'd you hear that?!"

"george told me." nick scowled and narrowed his gaze. he could hear george's taunts in his head about it too. "and george told me about that one girl you dated who only did it to get closer to him." he scowled harder, thinking of when they were sixteen, when george was still new to their high school and had weaseled his thieving little fingers onto his girlfriend.

"okay," nick mumbled uncomfortably, crossing his arms. "so maybe i don't get girls," he pouted. he was sleep deprived and he was being insulted right to his face, by a child too! "but you're not any better than me just 'cos you got a peck."

drista sighed. she was getting tired of the conversation and rather irked by the implications of it. "what does all of this matter?"

"of course, it matters," tommy reasoned. "he's eighteen and hasn't even come close to doing it!"

nick clenched his jaw self consciously.

"so what?" she snapped harder, an electric shock cracking between her gaze and his. "you don't have to have had sex at eighteen. there isn't a rule."

"you wouldn't understand because you're a girl," scoffed tommy.

"actually, i don't understand either."

"shut up, tubbo, you don't understand anything."

"don't be mean to tubbo, you ass."

toby and nichole, the more timid of the bunch, shared a concerned glance and unconsciously gave the rivals space. sometimes it was unfathomable the way the two were friends with how often they fell out. watching them, seeing their clashing looks, nick felt reminiscent of his own friendship with george.

"it's a guy thing! if you haven't had sex after eighteen then you're just less of a man! that's just the way it is!"

drista's face twisted. "you sexist pig," his hissed out in disgust.

"how is that sexist?!" tommy cried, startled by the accusation.

"it is a bit sexist," toby agreed timidly.

"why should guys feel pressure to have sex? because it's manly? that's bullshit! nick can do it whenever he wants to and you're in no place to tell him it's wrong. otherwise–! otherwise you're just a dick!"

"you know what i think, drista? boo your feminism!" tommy was brave. he countered drista with just as much passion. "it's unnatural for a guy to have their v-card when they're in college. that's just how it is! he needs to face the harsh, bitter truth from a kid if he wants to get better."

"virginity isn't a disease," growled drista, throwing her hands up and shoving at tommy.

"might as well be!" tommy shoved back.

"guys!" nichole stood between them. she gulped, glanced at her older brother, who wasn't looking too involved in anything at all, looking more like a living corpse, and felt guilt that she had spurred such a topic onto them. "come on, just agree to disagree."

nick had hardly been listening to their argument. he chewed on his lip as he thought about it. he was a virgin, as much as he hated admitting it. being eighteen and a virgin as a guy was nothing short of embarrassing, he agreed, since most of his friends had been there, done that. he had received head from a girl before, drunk at a party, and had made out plenty, but he just hadn't gotten to that base of actually doing it with someone. that was probably why even at eighteen, his body still felt twelve, giving him all those pleasant dreams about barely dressed girls some nights and making him wake up to a wet patch in his pants on the same mornings. 

tommy was right. it really was shameful. he couldn't call himself a man.

"nick?" drista's voice made him snap out of it. "ignore tommy," she said firmly. "he's british anyway. he's hardly even human." she ignored the mocking expression tommy responded to her snide remark with.

toby pouted. "hey."

"you don't count," drista reassured.

"okay," toby smiled.

"nick, you're going to be late!" 

nick jumped, startled by the epiphany, and suddenly, he could feel his palms, feel his fatigue, feel the pressure on his legs. right. his virginity wasn't the task at hand, getting to school was, so that's when his focus zoned in on the bright red metallic that tommy leaned himself against, the lengths of the bicycle giving nick hope.

he gritted his teeth, swallowed his pride, and gave tommy a sincere look. "lend me your bike."

"what?"

"your bike. lend me it. i need to get to college."

"actually, it's–!"

tommy didn't let toby finish. he threw his hand up and shushed him, making him furrow his eyebrows. 

"cough up," he demanded, shoving his palm towards nick and flexing his fingers, gesturing to demand him to have it over, hand over his money.

"you're kidding me!" 

"it's called rent. you're renting the bike," tommy said firmly. he deadpanned in all seriousness that nick felt at a loss. 

"but, i–!"

toby got interrupted again, this time by drista, surprisingly, the voice of reason. "i think it's fair."

"i thought you had my back, dris!" 

drista looked at him without an ounce of sympathy. she shared glances with the others and then shrugged. "tommy's mom said she'd take us to laser tag only if we saved up for it."

"we're just a little short," nichole smiled happily.

"you're menaces," nick growled lowly, digging his wallet out of his back pocket an opening it up.

toby pouted once more. "hey."

as he fished out five dollars, he muttered whole heartedly, "not you, tubbo, you're the best."

toby smiled. "okay."

tommy rolled his eyes. he would have to work harder to push the pushover out of toby. "i can see more in your wallet, don't think you can try and scam me," he snarled as he took the five dollars.

"ten."

"twenty!" nichole chimed.

"twenty dollars?! you're out of your mind!"

"fine, fifteen," she sighed.

"wait a minute!" 

as nick was about to fish out another ten dollars, toby stepped in closer with his fists clenched. 

"you're out of your mind if you think we're going to let you swindle us! twenty dollars, take it or leave it!"

"tubbo?!" nick gasped in betrayal.

"attaboy!" tommy exclaimed gleefully, putting an encouraging arm around the brunette's shoulder and making him grin harder. looks like his work had already been down and toby was a genius of his own, concealing his motives between his soft blue eyes.

"sorry, nick," toby said gently. "it's just that i really want to go laser tag. nothing personal."

he had a soft spot for toby. if he had simply asked for his money because he really wanted to go, and kept the bike, nick would have coughed up without a complaint and found a way to give them more so toby could have a milkshake or hot dog while he was there. 

curse their soft and wholesome big brother, little brother dynamic.

nick begrudgingly handed over the twenty dollars and grabbed the bike from tommy's grasp. "can't believe i just got my lunch stolen by middle schoolers," he grumbled, his pride holding multiple arrows it it, wounded terribly. he ignored their cheers and toby's salute, and simply shot a glare towards his sister. "watch when i come home."

"what did i do?!"

strike four, he had been terrorised by children.

strike five, despite his efforts, his reckless riding of the bicycle across town, he was late for class and had to spit out a pathetic apology for it.

strike six, as he sat down in his seat, he was certain he heard a pair of girls whisper about his odor. nick sat bitterly for the rest of the lecture, sinking into his seat. 

he thought as he entered the cafeteria, they should try running, falling, cycling and receiving the brute of a child's honesty all in the span of 2 hours, see how it feels! he knew that his turtleneck was tighter than it should have been, knew that he felt hot in all of his crevices for the most unpleasant reasons, but what could he do? he didn't have control over anything and it was killing him the most.

"i'm gonna keep it a buck-"

when arms wrapped around nick's neck, he barely registered it, never mind the fact that he was being spoken to too.

"-you don't look so tight."

a hand cupped his chin, and promptly his world shifted. "karl..." nick murmured, finally recognizing the boy who had pulled him out of his stupor, as his half lidded eyes bore into his pair of down turned ones. his nose twitched. "are you high...?" he scrunched his face up, finally attentive. "it's ten in the morning."

karl grinned at his critical look, gave his chin a little tickle, and walked around the cafeteria booth to sit himself opposite nick. "never too early to pop a perky, 's what i say. you know what i'm sayin'?"

nick squinted at karl as he simpered. his eyes were puffy, coloured a shade of pink he was familiar with, and he had that goofy grin on that never disappeared when he had taken something.

he let the muscles in his face relax as much as he could. a sigh dropped the subject of karl's irresponsible decision of getting high before class as he remembered just how typical it was of him to be on some sort of drug. nick could barely remember the last time he had seen the boy sober.

"go away, man," he whined, dragging a hand over his face. "you're too bright."

the only way to describe karl's fashion sense was an acid trip personified. he wore button ups and sweaters with funky patterns and designs, like an art assignment had barfed all over him. nick had never seen such an assortment of different coloured jeans until he met karl, who wasn't shy of wearing bright purple, to neon green, to both colours, half on one side and half on the other. beaded necklaces sat across his chest, his fingers were decked with several rings, and his nose twinkled when the light caught the diamond inside of it. 

karl dressed like no other, wearing whatever he liked, no matter how bold it was. the illustration of a rainbow squid smoking a bong on his layered t-shirt wasn't at all appealing nick's sleep deprived eyes.

"what's up with you? looks like you've had a smoke yourself," he retorted, kicking his feet up on the table and sinking into the corner of the booth.

it was break time between his first two classes in the morning, music performance and music production, and nick was not holding it together. an all nighter wasn't at all the best decision he had made, especially not before his first day of college where first impressions mattered the most. he wasn't the type to care about those sorts of things, but when he was barely living, more like simply existing with the dead brains of a zombie, he couldn't help but feel the slightest bit awful about not completing his homework earlier and giving his body some rest.

"so," karl grinned as nick narrowed his gaze, unwilling to answer, and looked around the sparsely populated cafeteria – students were still leaving their classes and filling in the empty seats. "seen any cute girls around?"

nick grimaced, the conversation from earlier fresh in his memory. "what does it matter? it's not like i can get girls anyway, according to the stupid british kid on my street," he said bitterly, the words still fresh in his mind. 

"oh, is that why you're all grumpy?" karl snickered.

"apparently, i'm gonna be a virgin forever. karl, i'm diseased."

"relax, bucko, no need to have the monday's." nick didn't laugh, didn't even twitch with a smile. karl flexed his ringed fingers. "maybe it's time we get you a little... somethin' somethin'."

"somethin' somethin'?"

nick looked up attentively behind him at the familiar voice and was happy to see clay coming closer, dressed in all chocolate and cream shades just as he always did and wearing a charming smile. obnoxiously but amazingly perfect, nick thought of him as, for he looked like the direct opposite of his awful state. the world seemed to zone in on him in a way that nick couldn't explain even if he tried, but he knew that it was always that way. clay naturally attracted everyone's attention.

"are you dealing him drugs, karl?" 

"nuh-uh," karl shook his head, holding his hands up to show just how innocent he was. "we're talking about another type of drug." he formed guns out of his fingers and grinned like an idiot. the light of the cafeteria caught the gold glitter across his eyelids perfectly, and his eyes literally twinkled as he purred out, " _the ladies_."

nick gulped sickeningly. "how am i the single one?" he murmured, glancing up at clay.

"wait! everyone shut up for a second!"

the boys looked at karl in anticipation, and then their faces dropped when he pulled out his signature energy drink from behind his back. how it got there, how he managed to carry it with him without them even noticing, they didn't understand. karl really was an enigma.

he placed it in the centre of the table and flicked it open with his fingers, the can clicking open satisfyingly and sizzling like a bubbling cauldron. karl nodded, looking ridiculous high, kicked his head back and downed the drink.

nick scowled as he watched his mouth leak with it, drops falling onto his clothes. "dude, what is wrong with you, man?" 

karl sucked the remainder from his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "now that hits the scooby doo."

nick rolled his eyes but didn't know what he was expecting.

"so ladies, huh?" clay glanced back at his childhood best friend and smiled sheepishly, nick spying an emotion in him that he couldn't discern. 

it bothered him. these days, the boy had become unreadable. nick had never been quite good at it, but he had known clay since childhood, but even then, it was more and more frequent that he was left wondering what was in his head.

it was especially frustrating since clay had mellowed out more and more through his teenage years. he had gotten clumsy, disorientated, started acting strange, when before he was up front about his confidence and cocky too. 

as he adopted passions for art forms, he spent more time in his own head than with other people, and nick could only gaze again as he daydreamed, and wonder, what was so entrancing that he couldn't be paying him any of his attention? what was he thinking about, and why did it seem to be on his mind twenty-four seven?

it was why he had wished for more time with him, wished for clay to just let him in. he hated that they had become distant as best friends. he just wanted clay back.

despite the oddities of the change, clay's opinion on him and his life still mattered to him the most. he never wished to disappoint him, and since george had came along, it had become natural for him to constantly seek his approval or praise, after having to compete for his attention for so long.

nick felt himself blush, so he tugged at the turtleneck beneath his open checkered shirt. "yeah... don't you think it's time i... get some...?" he said shyly.

clay looked away. "i suppose." he was more concerned with digging a book out of his bag to step away from the conversation, make it clear that he wasn't interested in discussing the topic at all.

nick blinked at his indifference and frowned once more in disappointment. he really wished clay had looked at him and smiled, put his arm around him and gave him words of affection – that he had a lot going for him and the time would come, or that he would introduce him to a girl he knew, or just something other than the reaction he got. 

out of everything that morning, that seemed to hurt nick the most.

"listen, nick. the first year of college is all chill," karl started, tearing his gaze away from clay and molding his down expression into one of displeasure.

"you didn't take high school seriously, karl," he deadpanned, thinking of the many times he had found the boy secretly smoking outside of class. "when are you ever not chilling?"

"what can i say, i'm a chill guy." nick rolled his eyes. it was almost annoying how laid back karl was, his eyes drooping and his feet kicked up. "all i'm saying is that you should meet some girls this year. you know... get laid, rid yourself of the disease of virginity." karl caught nick's nerves from his body language, awkward and stiff. "don't worry, i know you can't talk to girls all by yourself, so me and alex are gonna be your wingmen!"

nick didn't feel at all reassured, rather offended, again. "i can talk to girls!"

"if you're going to do this, don't kid yourself," clay murmured, turning a page of the book he had nestled into his crossed lap. "you can't even talk to guys."

karl howled as if it was the funniest thing he had ever heard, but nick swore clay wasn't that much of a comedian. how gracious of clay, to not take an interest and to chime in only to insult him.

"shut up!" he pouted, glaring at karl and ignoring the way clay brooded beside him, much like a bothered cat. "what makes you two so qualified..." his heart stopped. "any... way...?"

the words fizzled into a broken spell on his tongue. his eyelashes fluttered as he blinked, once, twice, but it was pointless. he saw it, and it wasn't going away. it was there, it was here, at his school. it had followed him, even though nick had thrown it in the store cupboard of their house and blocked the door. how did it get out? did someone move his laundry basket? oh, why did his mother have to choose today of all days to do it?!

clay looked at him oddly.

"i'm a god at networking," karl said with his entire chest, voice hardly heard by nick who was far too distracted.

the blob there, and it was perched right on the tip of karl's sneakers! nick's breath caught in his throat, but he tried to act as calm and natural as possible, as although karl was unaware, clay had his eyes on him.

"i know everyone here already. monica! fatimah! tiffany! avni! georgia! diwata!" karl sent pointed looks to each of the girls, and nick followed them, nodded quickly, and then glanced back at the blob at his shoes inconspicuously. 

they met eyes. nick glared hell while the blob smiled at him like he was heaven, bouncing innocently on karl's shoes. behave, nick hissed telepathically. he hoped he could hear him, or simply see his demands through the fury in his eyes. behave, otherwise you're dead meat!

the blob did exactly the opposite of that, and nick thought he might shit himself with the panic it had rising in him. it hopped up karl's red jeans and had the audacity to mock him by stopping at his knee, turning back around, and wiggling its stupid little body this way and that.

"and if i don't know 'em, i can easily get to know 'em so i can find you a good match!" 

nick gulped harshly, grabbing onto the edge of the table between them as the blob continued across his thigh. 

"and alex, he's a charm! he can get into any circle he wants, to chat the girls up in your favour! as always, we're the perfect pair."

his eyes widened as the blob leaped in the air, his chin shifting upwards slightly to follow the blob's movement until his body nestled right into the fluff of karl's thick hair.

in a flurry of hand movements and wild expressions, karl was done persuading. he sat back, arms stretched leisurely over the back of the seat, and grinned. "so? what d'ya say?"

nick licked his lips. he had to get out of there, and he had to pummel the stupid creature out of existence before, for some reason, the people around him became conscious of it running around and getting into their hair. whether nick liked it or not, the blob was his responsibility.

"there's a spider on your head," he blurted out unintelligibly. 

karl froze. clay looked up from the pages of his book and looked at him, squinted, then looked at his own body, his own two shoulder, counting beneath his breath, looked up and felt above his head, and scrunched his face up. though neither of the others noticed his strange behaviour, much too occupied with the apparent spider.

"where?" karl whimpered, shrinking into himself.

"i don't see anything," clay muttered, unheard.

"don't move!" cried nick, rising to his feet. adrenaline coursed through his body, and the veins in his hands pulsed. "you... bastard..." he murmured, his cheeks flaring. the blob was shaking again, as if laughing, and it enraged nick, eyes alight with his intense glare. he lurched for it with a grunt. "gotcha!"

nick blinked as he felt nothing between his fists, having grabbed on, not the blob, not at all, but the air. he had missed, too slow, and had been outsmarted. 

"shit!" karl shrieked and jumped out of the booth. the bright colours of his clothes were now shades darker, and his monster can fell from the table top and spilled all over the cafeteria floor, the liquid dripping down over the table. "nick! my drink! my clothes!" he whined loudly.

nick looked around for white and gritted his teeth as he spotted it flashing at the corner of eyes, slipping out of the cafeteria and into the hallways. 

"you two are so embarrassing," clay scowled, hating the bad attention they were getting from the commotion they had created. "nick!" 

"spider's gone; you're all good, karl!" nick exclaimed frantically, climbing out of the booth, over clay's thighs. "now, uh, i gotta go!"

"what?" clay muttered in a suspicious tone, ignoring the brief touches against his body. 

"yeah, number two, must've ate some craaazy bad pizza last night!"

"wait! what about project get nick laid?!"

"fine! agree! whatever, man!" he flung his bag over his shoulder raced out of the cafeteria without another word, chasing after the blob.

karl broke into a fit of cheers, the mess of his clothes and the floor none of his concern anymore. "this is gonna be so much fun!" 

clay sighed, closing his book and standing up and eyeing the puddle on the floor in disdain. "are you just doing this because you're bored?" he muttered.

karl broke into song. "karls just wanna have fun!" clay wasn't surprised, just sighed heavier, and wondered why he had made friends with the boy in the first place.

he glanced up at the exit, nick on his mind, and grimaced. the younger boy was so foolish. he didn't realise how hard clay was trying to keep him close. he was blurry eyed to his greed, his desire to keep him all to himself.

"what...! the hell...! is your problem?!" 

nick felt like hell. he was in the boys' bathroom, and had his weight pressed onto his hands against the sink bar as he heaved for his breath, his image reflecting in the mirror before him. 

he looked like hell too. his plaid shirt was half way down his right arm and his sweaty black bandana hung around his neck instead of over his forehead. the strands of his long hair stuck up, tugged out of the ponytail, and the band that had once his hair into place clung onto the back of his head by an inch. sweat lined his upper lip, above his eyebrows, and his heart was still settling in his chest from running up four flights of the college building.

strike eight, more fucking running.

"why? why?! why are you torturing me?!" his words echoed against the walls of the bathroom, but the blob, sitting on its backside on top of the marble in front of him, couldn't have cared less. he was smiling up at him like he always was, his eyes blank and lifeless. "it's 'cos of you i didn't get any sleep, and it's 'cos of you i just made a fool of myself in front of all the pretty girls! now i'm never gonna get laid!" 

he was going crazy. the blob tilted its head to the side - blink, blink. he could hear it in his head.

"you just don't get enough, do you? you just wanna take more, and more, and more! but of course that doesn't matter to you, does it?" he smacked a hand to his head, his frustration becoming theatric, then threw both of his palms in the hair. "you're just a blob! you don't have an idea of virginity! you don't even have arms or legs! you're a white, limbless stub! you're never going to have the chance to fuck a hot blonde girl because you physically can't, so it doesn't matter, but it does matter for me!"

he sighed, brushed a hand through his hair, and dragged out the hair band and the bandana from his neck.

"is this what i get? for keeping bad pizza in my room? are you the bad pizza omen?"

he pushed the blob aside and scrubbed water over his face, and scraped it by each of his fingers through his hair all the way to tips that brushed against the nape of his neck. the water was cold against his skin, seeped through his roots and to his scalp, and calmed him down for a moment, allowing him to breath. 

nick narrowed his gaze at the blob. "you understand me, don't you?" 

the blob nodded promptly, still seated, still smiling, still obnoxiously round.

nick huffed, eyes rolling around. "why the heck are you always smiling?" he snapped. "don't you know how annoying you are?"

its smile widened and his head seemed to bobble slightly in mock agreement.

nick deadpanned, a droplet of water slithering around the curve of his nose. "can't you speak, dumbass? you've got a mouth, use it, why don't you?"

the blob shook its head.

"you can't speak?"

another shake. "so what the hell can you do? i get chosen to have a real freakin' pokemon and it's the lamest one?" 

nick sighed. he should have been used to things by now. after all, his pets were just as annoying as the blob, and he saw glimpses of mogwai in the thing too, making him run this way and that, smirking as if proud of his behaviour and not at all taking accountability for making nick's life so much more harder than it should have been. 

he wiped his hands off with a paper towel and set at the task of fixing his hair. he combed through it with his fingers and tied it up again, glimpsing down at the blob that simply watched him.

the blob wasn't going to go away, he figured. they were stuck together, and no matter if he dug a sixty feet deep hole and threw the damn thing in, he was sure it would find a way, some magical way beyond the understanding of the universe, to get out and pester him again. 

on the stage of acceptance, nick rubbed his temple and let his shoulders sink.

"fine. fine. you exist, and i accept that you do, okay? i guess... i guess we can stick together. but you have to behave! no more messing around! you almost made me drop dead back there, you know that? of course, you know that, you were doing it on purpose, weren't you? little shit. just...! behave! please? i'm already having a shit day, okay? just cut me slack! i'm an eighteen year old virgin, i can't talk to girls or guys or anyone! i'm a mess! if anything, you should be my guardian angel, or something! help me get laid, help me find love! you understa–?"

a toilet flushed. panic arose in nick's chest, and he turned around so quickly he might as well have been given whiplash. 

before his eyes, the stall door opened, and he met the scrutinizing gaze of another boy, who was buckling his jeans... who had been there the entire time... relieving himself... unbeknown by nick... who had been talking to the blob that nobody else could see. he stood there because he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. the boy washed his hands, excruciatingly slowly, dried his hands, and as soon as the door shut closed, nick dropped to a crouch and screeched into his hands.

strike nine, whatever the fuck that was. 

nick grabbed his bag and popped open the pocket over the breast of his plaid shirt. a single glare, fed up and ferocious, had the blob obeying and hopping into his pocket. it looked up at him, cheeks warm, but nick simply scowled back and stormed out to get back to class.

" _nobody cares 'cos i'm alone and the world is having more fun than me_ ," he drawled under his breath, face deadpanned, as he entered the music hall and slumped down into his seat. he really was just a joke to the world.

nick sat at the second to last row, and as fellow music students were flooding into the hall, he surveyed them all. he'd be lying if he said a little part of him didn't consider the fact that the course would have mostly girls in it when choosing what he wanted to do. shameless as it was, nick had two passions: music and women.

a girl walked in and caught his eye particularly. he looked her way though tried especially hard not to make eye contact with her, to make sure he didn't make a fool of himself in front of a really, really pretty girl this time. she was dirty blonde, though didn't look so naturally. her complexion was healthy, as if she bathed regularly in the sun, and nick couldn't properly spy the colour of her eyes but could tell they were richly dark. 

he could feel warmth on his cheeks as she walked passed him and took the seat directly behind him. he liked how her face were sprinkled with freckles, like how her cheeks were angular and hollow, appreciated the aesthetic of the little hump in her nose. she was just his type. he almost wanted to turn around and introduce himself.

"mads, mads! have you heard of clay from oak ridge?"

nick perked up, even leaned back against his chair to catch their hushed whispers. 

"the guy dressed like a pretentious asshole?"

nick smiled thoughtfully into his fist. funny and pretty.

"no, seriously, i talked around and heard he's, like, the sweetest guy you'll ever meet! in high school, he ran a rally against the dress code and he's all women's rights and stuff!"

his smile continued, though this time not for for the girl. clay had always been vocal about how he was a feminist, how he supported women's rights and his wish for equal rights between all genders. his beliefs had evidently filtered to drista; she had the very same fire in her eyes as when clay felt passionate about such things too.

"he's so handsome too. dirty blonde hair. green eyes. freckles. a hot body. and his hands...!" nick flushed as the girl let out a guttural moan. "god, i'd let him choke me."

"you're such a slut."

"i'd be his slut."

nick thought about clay. he had seen his hair through the seasons for years, when it was winter and looked one with the moon, and in the summer when the strands were warm except for the fires that burned through in between. he had felt his hair between his fingers, after a long adventure through the forests of the park when clay dropped his head into his lap and closed his eyes.

they had a sleepover and one time, as they faced each other inside their sleeping bags that were parallel, nick wondered just how many freckles adorned his freckly face. he couldn't fall asleep, and after a couple of scolds from a very sleepy clay, nick took to counting his freckles instead of sheep. nick remembered the memory fondly, and he remembered his eyes dropping as he got to seventy. his chest rose and fell in a steady, smooth movement when he got to seventy five, and as he was just behind eighty, he fell into a deep sleep.

that night he dreamt of the stars.

"and his fashion sense. he looks like an english teacher and i would totally let him take me over a desk, or something."

the world revolved around clay the moment he stepped into a room. it was always like that, and nick had always been envious of him. that morning, clay walked in the cafeteria like he was having a beautiful morning, like the sun had rose especially for him, to adorn his spotty cheeks and course light highlights through his hair.

his shirt was unbuttoned prettily at the collar, and a dark waistcoat was buttoned up his chest. the shirt cuffs were unbuttoned at the wrists and cascaded down his veined hands, and a chocolate coat dangled from his fingers over his shoulder. the outfit was finished with classy dress pants, a thick buckled belt, and his shoes looked as though they had been polished over sixty times by the slither of diamonds. 

"he's a literature student, and he did football in high school, and he's trying out for quarterback right now."

"if he doesn't have big boobs then i don't care."

nick deadpanned. pretty, funny girl was a lesbian.

"you never know, mads, not with football players."

she made a noise is disapproval and scoffed, "you disgust me."

"he probably writes poetry and stuff. but he's also athletic and into sports. girl, he's a dreamboat!"

clay really was the perfect guy. girls always did fawn over him in high school, and he was accepted into all circles because of how cool of a person he was. nick would watch on the sidelines sometimes, as he soaked in the attention of everyone and forgot nick completely existed. at times he felt jealous; he didn't want to share his best friend with george let alone everyone else, and other times envious of all the glory, being the invisible member of their gang.

if nick was going to lose his virginity, meet a girl, fuck her, fall in love, whatever, he needed to be like clay. blonde, chiseled out of gold and by the hands and tools of greek gods, a gorgeous, heart palpitating smile, with the most warming, most loveliest tone of voice to his words. 

nick sighed, head tilted into his palm. he really was a dreamboat, and he did have nice hands, and he could bang nick over a–

nick blinked, lifted his head. what. caught by surprise he jumped up in his seat as the girls behind him let out shriek – a crash had come from the back of the room as the drum set dropped unceremoniously to the floor. more concerned with himself, nick's face filled with heat as he realised the train of thought he had been going down.

_that... was so... incredibly... gay! what the fuck?!_

a cymbal wobbled across the room and out of the chaos jumped a little white blob. nick sucked in air through his teeth as it gazed at him while passing.

nick looked down in his pocket and sure enough it was empty. he must have been so caught up in his thoughts about clay that he hadn't even realised, and that fact made him feel sick to his stomach. silently, he thanked the blob for stopping whatever short circuit was going on in his brain.

"what on earth is going on in here?! nicholas! where are you going?!"

"b–bad pizza! gotta run to the bathroom!" it was safe to say he was never going to charm pretty girl after that, never mind the fact that she liked other girls.

what was that? what was that? what the hell was that?! the slut behind him had poisoned him with her fantasies and he had thought about it for a split second, thought about desks, locked doors, and clay in his formal fashion! he pursed his lips as he followed the blob. he shook his head firmly to get the grime of such thoughts out of his brain. 

the hallways were mostly empty, most students in classes. nick weaved around a few people, skipping on his feet to keep up with the creature though not to run and tire himself out too hard.

"hey...! come back, dude...!" nick hissed, skipping steps down the forsaken flights of stairs. "i'm not mad this time...!" he cried, watching in distraught as the blob hopped onto the railing and slid out of side.

the blob didn't listen, only made him continue running, until they hit the ground floor.

"where the heck are you going?!"

nick blinked as he skidded around an exit, an open door, and was amazed at what he saw. his jaw dropped as what stood before him was the pitch of the glorious football field. the rich green of the perfectly cut grass was vast, yards across the ground, and the red bleachers shone from the september sunlight. it was obviously well kept and cherished by the college, and the guys standing on it ready for a game would most likely be prides to the school.

the blob hopped across the field to the bleachers, but no way in hell was nick going to run across. he thought his legs were toned up enough that day with all the incessant running, so he paced across, avoiding any sort of eye contact with anyone. there were a few girls sitting atop the bleachers, of course, because girls adored football players way more than they liked band boys. nick thought bitterly as he slinked into the shadows behind the bleachers; sure, these guys could throw a football, but could they play a wicked electric guitar solo? he didn't think so.

"shithead! where did you go?!" he hissed, looking around the bleachers. 

he caught white, weaving in between the bottom row of seats, but before nick could follow, his attention was grabbed by the voices on the other side. he looked up, eyes spying through the gaps between the red, and blinked as he spotted clay.

he faced a boy with buzzed hair and a tattoo peeking out from beneath his football uniform at the side of his neck. "you should stick to writing poetry, pretty boy," he snarled. beside him were two other boys, though significantly less tough looking.

nick got closer out of curiosity, held onto the benches as he pressed his eyes against the gaps. while clay had been popular in high school, liked by guys and girl and people, by teachers and parents, the neighbours on their block, he had secret admirers too, concealed as his enemies. 

"pretty boy? you wanna kiss me that bad?" clay sneered back, standing tall and proud, gazing down at the shorter boy with disgust, like he was a mangled bug on the ground.

buzz cut didn't seem to appreciate that comment. he physically recoiled and shared looks of disgust with his friends. "i knew it. i knew you were a fag," he snapped, and nick flinched where he hid. 

he frowned and tore his gaze from the boy and towards clay, searching his features, and only frowned deeper when he found him simply shaking his head.

"i'm gonna be quarterback, got it? team's no place for a wussy literature student like you." 

nick's nose wrinkled up. there was no way clay would be one upped by a guy like that. a guy who needed lackies to remain at his side to keep his chest up. clay didn't need that. he knew his worth as he stood alone; he didn't need people too scared to defy him to hold him up on a pedestal.

the whistle was blown and the coach started yelling, rounding the players trying out with waves of his arms. they ran to their positions, and the coach jogged towards clay and buzz cut.

another practice match was in bound, and it seemed like the blob had guided nick all the way to it. he grinned wickedly, giddy with excitement to watch as he gripped harder onto the benches. nick didn't know a thing about football, and the hours he had spent watching it simply because that's what clay wanted to do when they were together as children, well, nick was none the wiser about the words clay rambled about. all he knew was that he was ready to see clay kick some ass, show them all that he wasn't to be messed with.

"you boys ready?"

clay smiled dryly at the boy. his lips moved, though nick wasn't able to discern his words as he had spoken much more quietly. he just knew that whatever he had said, buzz cut didn't like it at all, because he snarled, threw his hands up and pushed him back before the coach came between them. nick's eyebrows furrowed and he glared at the fucker who dared to lay his hands on clay like that. the bleachers might have broken with how much force he was applying against them, easing his emotions so he didn't go over there and sock him in the face.

it was set in stone. the coach flipped the coin in the air, the light caught it and it shone like a shooting star, making nick wince, and the direction of game was decided, amongst other things. 

nick wasn't concerned for his blob anymore, was only foolish to what it was doing watching him as he watched clay.

"go clay! go wildcats!" nick looked between the gaps to find the girls in just as much anticipation. they were stood up, eyes soft towards the blonde.

they were just like him, watching on the sidelines. as much as it hurt nick to receive his indifference, witnessing his glow felt enough. he didn't seem to mind it. what counted was that he was there from the start when they threw a football around the garden when they days seemed longer than they actually were, and that he was still here, to see him in all of his glory. nick gazed back at him and smiled hard and wide. he shifted his head inside his football helmet and got into his position as quarterback. even at the little things, he felt amazed. the flex of the veins in his hands, the spread of his legs and the bends in his knees. clay looked as though he was made to play, made to breath the air of the pitch, made for the material of his kit and everything else that came with playing football. 

the whistle was blown, the ball was kicked, and they were off. nick watched intently, tried to recall what he had seen on the television in clay's house when they were fourteen and had no other concerns, but all his mind seemed to render was the beauty of clay's skill. he moved diligently, with the prowess of a wildcat though with the confidence of the king of the jungle. what nick showed in guitar hero, spinning his fingers across all the right keys without even registering it, clay showed across the field. nick's eyes might as well have held stars in them with the amazement that was etched into his features, with the way his jaw hung ajar and his stomach filled with butterflies. clay's energy was so strong that nick felt as though he was filling his shoes, as though they were connected, and oh, did it feel good. he felt as though he was on the pitch, feeling clay's movements, feeling his ragged breath as he ran and barked out encouragement and signals to his teammates.

it was amazing, how he could switch from writing mesmerising lines of poetry to becoming such words, though epic, fast-paced and full of action, the kinds of poems that had you teetering on the edge of your seat and gasping the words. clay was still beautiful as he daydreaned. after all, nick could never tear his gaze away from him as he pondered, jade eyes so completely lost in his thoughts. nick just couldn't understand him, his poetry, his art, his words or sketches. but living through moments like these, where nick could feel his passions, where he felt like he really could discern him as a person, where he felt that he hadn't changed at all, was when he was reminded that deep down, parts of the clay he was knew closely were still there. his vitality, his explicit magnetism, the charm he had of a raging fire, was still very much present. 

as clay threw the touchdown pass, nick grinned like a kid on christmas. his anatomy, strong, built and firm, the determined glare he could spy between the bars of his helmet, the way he flung the ball across the sky like it wasn't an ounce difficult, the way clay made a fist in the air as the receiver caught his ball – nick's heart pounded in his chest. the receiver ran and ran, and clay prayed in his fist, until the offensive erupted, and so did nick. his chest rose, his shoulders brushed to his ears, and he howled clay's name, cheers much louder than that of the girls'. 

his heart stopped when clay paused his celebrations with his teammates and threw his wondering gaze his way, looking exactly between the bleacher benches where nick was perched. they were looking at each other. clay wouldn't have been able to see the redness of his face from the shadow casted down on his cheeks, but nick felt it, and felt embarrassed, so he almost tripped getting away from the bleachers and shook his head, reminding himself of why he was there in the first place.

he ignored the shout of his name, the commotion that was arising on the other side from buzz cut and his lackies and the firm whistle blows of the coach, and marched on ahead for the blobs.

"shithead, come–! come here, we gotta go quick!" 

he had cheered for clay before. back in highschool, he came to every one of his games, even if he hated being around people and the social events that came after a winning game, he always came because it was clay. for some reason, this time felt different. this time had his heart pounding, and not necessarily because of the atmosphere of a game, because that was only a quarter, and there weren't flashing headlights or the smell of popcorn or the loud jeers of a massive crowd. it was just a practice match, a regular monday, so why was nick feeling clay's performance at such full force?

"shithead!" 

he gasped, finding white and scurrying after it. it was between the other set of bleachers. he ran towards it, kneeled down, but could only have another passage of air knocked out of him. 

"there's–! there's two of you?!"

two, two, three, four, ten, zero. his vision blurred, his eyelashes fluttered, and then he was engulfed by the darkness. his head lulled from side to side, and the last thing he remembered before dropping to the ground was the familiar sound of clay's voice shouting his name.

strike ten, nick had fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment kudos please  
> im so tired and exhausted and in pain UFUCJ  
> YOU BETTEER HAVE FUCKING ENJOYED
> 
> also notice how i didn't even write the football practice properly because j don't knoww what the fuck football is and couldn't understand it so pls just imagine if u know what football is ok cool 
> 
> omg  
> bye  
> the blob multiplied though 😙✌️


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i say i am going to proof read i don't fuck proof reading fuck making sure your writing is as good as it can be JUST GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (don't) so,,, please ignore bad writing anywhere thanks love u

growing up clay had never enjoyed the quiet. whenever he was in class and his peers dropped their heads to complete their work, clay's head remained up in wonder. 

he wondered about the silence that would settle over their classroom, and he wondered how he could make it go away, so he tapped his pencil against the desk until people's heads shot back up to glare at him. his neck would crane to the right, towards the window next to him; and as he watched the pair of squirrels that seemed to linger in the very same trees every day, his lips would hum obnoxiously while his leg bounced below his desk, as the rubber at the top of his pencil thwacked incessantly against his paper, annoying everyone around him.

he couldn't help it. he needed the noise, otherwise he thought he might go insane. he hated being still, he couldn't keep his fingers apart from each other, and he couldn't just refrain from picking at the loose threads on his jeans when he found them. it was the same for stretches of silence. clay felt the urges to fill them. so it felt like the stars had aligned when the world sent down his fated best friend, a boy who never stopped being noisy, making a ruckus with every step of his feet. 

nick had always been a bit of a neighbourhood menace. clay could reminisce on many occasions where the soles of their sneakers thundered around their block as they caused trouble, nick leading the way with his fingers wrapped around a slingshot and the pockets on his knees filled with stones. they would be running from other children, tommy and toby perhaps, or one of the neighbour's dogs nick had riled up.

whatever it was, nick was creating noise wherever he went and clay was always beside him, challenging him to scream and shout louder.

it was a good thing music had always been the thing to set nick straight. there wasn't a moment where nick opened his mouth to sing, to mutter lyrics insufferably stuck in his head, and clay didn't have his attention suffocated with the delicate fingers of nick's melodies, soft and bejeweled lengths winding around his consciousness. his eyes tore away from the tv screen, from the classroom board, from the dinosaur-shaped cloud nick had pointed out with a giggle, and bore into nick's lips as he sang, as he smacked out the sounds of instruments and the tunes of his favourite songs.

when nick kicked up to his feet and mimicked the movements of rock stars, clay looked up at him like he was in the front row of his own concert, as if he could feel the choked breaths of the excited fans surrounding him and nick really was a star up on the stage in his own stadium. the boy always did take his breath away, make clay sit there and make the brief moment feel like an eternity, like he had slipped out of consciousness and was living in a lucid dream.

the music was always muffled, he could hardly feel the crowds of others bumping into him, and the screams of nick's names never concerned him, until that dream was shattered and the colours of the pillows strewn across nick's bedroom floor came to light.

"come on, dream!" clay looked up, and all of a sudden his hands were grasped by nick's and he was tugged to his feet.

right, he thought. they were fourteen and having a sleepover. nick didn't have his own band and didn't look charming with long hair and piercings in his ears. 

"dude, you don't think i'm going to be in a band by myself, do you?" they were still holding hands, and clay focused so hardly on the fact that he barely heard his words. it was only a bite from pupnap against his neck that had him clicking with reality.

"me?" he stammered. the rock song on the nick's cassette player continued playing. "in a band?"

"yeah? you'll be on guitar and i'll be on drums, of course!" 

clay shook his head. "me on guitar? but you're so much better than me." he wasn't even that great at guitar anyway.

"oh, but i'll teach you," nick grinned. he squeezed their hands together, and clay felt the warmth of his touch down his neck. pupnap giggled on his shoulder, tail wagging behind him. "and i'll be the famous one! the one who can sing, and dance, and play all the instruments!"

clay snorted, making nick pause in offense. "dance?"

"what's that for?" nick scoffed. he let go of clay's hands, and clay flexed his fingers, missing the feeling. "i can dance pretty damn good, i'll have you know, clay."

the younger boy skipped towards the cassette player and replaced the tape. with a press of a button, nick exclaimed, "1, 2, 3, 4!" and jumped into the air, into their nest of pillows, and started mimicking the high-pitched tone of the electric guitar of the song. 

clay stumbled back on his feet, overwhelmed as he always was with the blossoming of nick's energy. his cheeks rose like two suns as the upbeat tune continued, as nick's grin matched the happy feeling. the boy rocked his head back and forth, left to right, following every beat, and threw his body up and down, his layered t-shirt flying and exposing his belly.

the song was in japanese, nick having no discrimination for the music he listened to. clay wondered what the words meant because he liked the sound of it, liked how it suited nick so well. he danced like he was free, shaking all the tension out of his limbs as he squeezed his eyes and became with every sound he could hear, the twiddle of guitar strings in the background to the obvious smacks of the drums tying everything together.

to anyone else, nick would look ridiculous. he would look silly, and clay knew it as he choked on his giggles. after all, he had no coordination as he went this way and that randomly. in fact, he almost tripped on one of the pillows, falling towards clay who shoved his arms up just in time to catch him.

"you're such an idiot!" clay laughed happily, their foreheads knocking together gently. 

nick grinned, pushing their heads together teasingly. "you! you can't just stand there! dance with me, dude!"

"i don't dance!" the blonde cried, unable to shake the hand that tugged him into the center of the pillow circle. "pandas!"

"everyone can dance! you just have to not care if you look silly!"

the music continued, and so did the jutting of nick's hips. he carried clay's hands, trying to encourage to move with him, but his green eyes were much too soft with embarrassment. he wasn't the type to be so timid until it came to singing and dancing, which was nick's thing rather than his own. 

"here, you close your eyes, and i'll close mine," nick suggested. "that way we won't see each other, and you won't have to feel embarrassed, okay? it's just me, dream."

he let go of his hands as the second chorus came in and returned to dancing his heart out, his eyes squeezed shut. clay swallowed, watching him for a moment. he did look good, liked he felt it too. he whispered the words of the song beneath his breath, short syllables of it as if he had simply memorised the foreign lines, and moved with the music. 

clay left his open for the moment to watch, kept his gaze on nick's eyes. they were shut, they were sealed. either way, he shouldn't have been worried, because nick had been right, it was just him. they were best friends. he shouldn't have had to felt shame.

he swallowed his pride, snapped his eyes shut, and threw his arms up in the air, just the way he saw nick do it. nick waved them in the air to the beat of the drums, so he did exactly that, listened carefully for them and moved in a way he thought fit. 

a breath slipped from his lips and his shoulders sunk with it. the muscles in his face relaxed, his body felt free from its restraints, and soon dancing "right" didn't matter to him. he just did it, moved however he wanted to, even shifted his leg up and kicked it in the air when the guitar solo came in. 

it was just them, just nick, and just the music. they danced and moved and kicked the pillows apart with their moves, all in their pajamas. the neighbours would complain, and nick's stepmother would come home from his aunt's to a plethora of complaints, but it didn't matter to them. the twists of their ears were worth the refreshment they felt now.

clay's eyes snapped open as he heard the giggles of nick and he met his dark green eyes. he didn't stop dancing but he could feel his cheeks burning.

"you said you wouldn't look!" he cried, coming forward and pushing gently at nick's shoulder.

"i couldn't help it," nick laughed. he looked up at clay, between the few inches between them at fourteen years old, and smiled. "you look good."

"i looked good?" clay flushed strawberries. 

"yeah. totally rock and roll!"

his eyes widened, his breath caught in his chest, but nick smiled up at him once more and closed his eyes again. he was unwitting of what clay was looking at behind his shoulder, of the brand new panda dancing on the top of the clothing cabinet in pupnap's arms.

it was the first time clay had seen him, rocknap, the panda that would become clay's second headache, rivalling the way pupnap made him run around hopelessly to make him behave.

clay let a soft exhale slip from his nose as he eased himself onto nick's bedside.

he remembered when they drummed with their pens and pencils, or when nick used the edges of the tables and the flats of his fingers, or when they snapped the sticks off of branches of trees and smacked them against the panels of the school gates. when nick was around, it was never quiet, and clay had always been fond of the commotion he carried with him. of course, that didn't stop the boy from shying away around strangers when he couldn't help it. though when he was at the peak of his comfort, nick being himself freely had always put clay at ease too.

it was funny how different things were now. as he was perched on the bed of the nurse's office, clay found the quiet to be comforting, found it to have a hand on the small of his back and to be pushing him forward in gentle reassurance, and forward he went.

he was sat next to nick's sleeping body, just beside his stomach as the boy was passed out on his side.

hours had passed since he had dropped to the ground of the field, since clay scooped him up into his arms and disregarded the rest of practice to carry him to safety. it had been hours since clay had sat on the chair beside him with a book in hand and had waited for him to wake up, reading words silently and listening to his soft yet heavy breaths of his sleep.

clay had laid him down. he had pressed his hand against his forehead, felt the strands of his hair brush against his skin, and brushed the back of his hand in the crook of his neck. he had been checking for his temperature to make sure he wasn't seriously ill, but the lovesick boy couldn't help but guiltily relish in the touch too.

nick was warm and close, and that's all clay had ever always wanted from him.

"are you... is he your boyfriend?" the nurse had asked. she looked young and her eyes were sweet, the kind of sweetness you wished from someone whose job was to tend to your wounds and illnesses.

clay flushed from the neck all the way up to his cheeks. he shook his head, scratching his jaw awkwardly. "just my best friend."

the nurse nodded in understanding and she smiled in sympathy. it embarrassed clay how easy he had been to read, and he wondered if his adoration for nick always came across so strongly. that concern was short lived however as he looked at nick once more, eyes closed, lips slightly ajar. 

how stupid nick was if he hadn't noticed. clay couldn't felt but feel fond of his naivety anyway. 

"there's a kit in the bottom drawer if you'd like to patch his hands up again," the nurse said shyly. "and, hey, you'll never know if he likes you back or not if you don't shoot your shot... so... go for it!" 

clay smiled at her and nodded. "thank you," he said gently, appreciating her innocence to his situation, and thinking for a brief moment that she was cute as she flushed pink and slipped out of the room to give him some privacy.

she had no idea how much nick didn't like him back, how girl crazy he was, how he had made it his goal to sleep with one too.

clay smiled pathetically to himself, holding out his hand to catch his panda. rocknap jumped from the stethoscope around her neck that he had been using as a swing, the whites of his bandana flourishing behind him, and joined clay and pupnap beside the bed.

"don't look at me like that," clay had frowned, ruffling the top of rocknap's head with a finger. "i told nick not to grow up so fast, now look at him," he sighed deeply, gazing weakly at his sleeping figure.

he knew it wasn't rocknap's fault but the panda was the physical embodiment of nick's disordered nature. he was crazy, feral even, screamed at the top of his lungs and swung from clay's blinds and onto the back of patches, and played from his mini instruments to wake clay up. the boy had rose from his bed grumpily many times from the quiet yet obnoxious pattern of drums from rocknap swatting against them with sticks in the corner of his room. 

while pupnap was clay's appreciation for nick's need for praise, his adorable energy for adventure, and general puppy behaviour, rocknap was nick's recklessness, his lack of care, intertwined with his passions for music and performance. 

though these days, it looked like nick cared too much, too much about what people would think of him. he hadn't listened to him at all when clay had told him to stay just the way he was.

"you two, behave, okay? nick's had a long day," clay had ordered softly, giving his two present pandas a firm look as he got up to wash his hands at the sink. he was still in his football uniform and his own palms were rough with playing. 

pupnap crawled on top of nick's body, sitting on his bicep and leaning over to peer at his sleeping face. he let out a soft whimper at the look of him, ears pinned to his face, and he blinked up at rocknap who jumped beside him. rocknap poked at pupnap's forehead, giving him a reassuring grin, as if to say that he was being dumb and that there was nothing to worry about.

"it's okay, pup," clay smiled, catching the interaction between them. rocknap and pupnap had always been good friends. "nick will be okay. just needs some sleep 's all."

rocknap nodded in agreement, paw on hip, and gave pupnap's bobble head a good pat. 

clay sat beside him with the first aid kit open and took his right hand in his palms. his stomach felt funny as soon as their skin brushed together, and clay blushed at his own immaturity and lovesickness. something as little as their fingers touching making his tummy feel like bowl of cookie dough was a testimony of how much he loved the boy, how much he yearned for that love to be returned so such touches could become everyday occurrences.

pupnap crawled over nick's body to nuzzle against his belly and looked up at clay, his pale obsidian eyes wide and doe. rocknap followed, abnormally quiet with his steps, so clay took a moment to watch as he crawled towards nick's hands.

his heart softened as he watched the bandana clad panda open his mouth and grab onto the plasters with his teeth, helping clay tear them off. rocknap leaned into the finger that rubbed into his cheek affectionately and grinned wickedly up at him. 

clay found that the pandas always did know when they needed to be there for him, show him that they understood his feelings. it was nice, especially when clay felt that he couldn't confide in others. they were there for him, cared for him, even shared feelings of love with him, and clay appreciated it between the sad reality of what they all meant.

clay recognised toby's aspirations of becoming a nurse with a gentle look of appreciation at the bee band aids as he tossed them in the trash, messy and bloodied. rocknap followed suit, spitting them out of his mouth and into the bin.

with steady breaths and focused eyes, clay traced his fingers across the scrapes of nick's hands. he gently ran the pad of his index finger across the ripped skin that had opened up, revealing the soft pink of what was beneath, and felt the throbbing of it against his touch. nick's finger twitched, his body shifted slightly, alerting pupnap and making him shuffle forward to avoid getting squished.

he looked at the wounds and wished for nick to never be hurt. if he had anything to do about it, nick would never have a scrape on his skin, never come close to hurting himself. if nick would just stay by his side, in his arms, the boy would never have to be hurt. 

it looked like things hadn't changed. clay had pressed band aids to his skin; from nose, to elbows, all the way down to his knees, when he tripped and fell from his furious excitement to get through the forest with his wooden sword and eyepatch. clay would push him down on a stump of a tree, make his pains go away, and tell him that his boo boos wouldn't hurt anymore so long as clay kissed them. that would do the trick, get nick to steady his breaths and stop hiccupping.

the song was called ichidaiji, clay had learned, serious affair, and by a japanese rock band called polkadot stingray. from what he understood, the song told the tale of a relationship, where one chased the other desperately, and the other kept walking. he hummed the tune softly, though a slower version, to match with the gentle movements of his fingers as he patched nick's hands up. 

" _i shout that i miss you_ ," he sang, syllables jumping and words breaking apart, much like a music box. " _surely, you will call me_."

he pressed at the plasters he placed gently, grazed his thumb across them, and moved onto the next hand which rocknap had already prepared for him. 

" _i want you, darling, baby_ ," he whispered beneath his breath, his eyes half lidded, his head hazy, and his chest heavy with his heart hammering against it. his hands in nick's, his fingers in the dips of his palms, hearing the soft breaths of his sleep, it all made clay feel the rush of his suffocating adoration for him. 

when he had finished the last hand, he sighed and gazed at nick. his eyes were closed, his eyelashes were flat against his cheeks, and he looked to be so peaceful that clay felt the softness of the mattress beneath him. so, so blissfully unaware that it shot a bitter arrow at clay's hard, but all the blonde could do was smile pathetically once more. 

" _stay here, darling, baby..._ " he lifted his weight from the bed and sat back on the chair behind him without even looking, letting his head fall like an unhinged door over the back of it. " _why don't you come and stay... with... me...?_ " he muttered to himself, lifting his arms and dragging his palms down his face in defeat. 

pupnap scampered up his leg and tucked himself in the crook of clay's neck. rocknap bounded up his body too and nuzzled his face into his forehead, clay feeling the blunt nails of his fuzzy feet in the scruffs of his hair. 

he couldn't stay on the halfway, because he knew it would always hurt if he waited, but what could clay do? nick was so far away from him, so out of his reach. he would always keep chasing, and nick would always keep getting further, and further, away.

hours passed, and that's where he sat, on the edge of the bed again. the sun had dipped from the middle of the sky but clay felt the moon in his body, refreshed from a shower and out of his football uniform. his hair was damp, waves coming through thickly, and his buttons were popped open at the collar and elbows casually. the book he had been occupying himself was closed now that he had become entranced once more with nick's sleeping figure.

the quiet pushed him closer, and closer, until nick's chest was beneath clay's palm, until he could feel the slow rise and fall against his touch. clay blushed, lips trembling and eyelashes fluttering at the feeling of nick's chest – firm, hard, built up, the way clay imagined whenever the boy facetimed him shirtless without a notice. it was cruel, really, when clay had to mask his flustered state as feeling unwell.

the touch burned with his guilt, his chest feeling heavy. he wasn't meant to be there, he wasn't supposed to be so close. it was wrong, so, so wrong, but clay couldn't help himself, felt like if he didn't take something, even the smallest of things, he would lose himself.

clay held his breath as he moved his hand up, as his fingers brushed up against the neck of nick's high collared sweater. wisps of his short beard tickled his fingers as he wrapped them around his jaw, as he cupped his cheek in the entirety of his palm. so warm, so sweet, just like when clay wiped his tears when he was done patching him all up, when he made silly faces to cheer him up again. 

it was hard to swallow as he gazed in awe at every detail of his sleeping face. he was so enthralled by every line, every curve, every dip and light blemish he could spy behind every angle, that he didn't even notice rocknap rummaging through the bag that sat on the bedside table, tugging out the packets of snacks for when nick woke up. pupnap had his teeth on the subway sandwich, sniffing the meat and trying with all his might to get through the wrapping.

 _beautiful boy_ , he thought, as his heart throbbed and ached and pushed him forward, urged him hungrily to take and take as much as he could while the chance was there. _beautiful_ , _beautiful_ , he thought, as he dropped his head, inched closer and closer, and felt his forehead with his own. his other hand climbed up the other side of his chest and took a hold of his opposite cheek, and he held him, breathed him in. he heard his words, _you! you can't just stand there!_ he had been strong for so long until his guilt and control burned at the brims of his eyes. _dance with me, dude!_

pupnap had lost interest in the sandwich. his ears perked up, tail began to slow, and he jumped from the bedside table and struggled up clay's shirt. he wiggled into his hair and clung onto the strands, peering over and watching with wide eyes. 

it was cookie dough again, and all the other candies they scoffed on movie nights, combined with caramel coated popcorn and all the soda they downed rebelliously. it started at the bottom of his stomach and climbed all the way up his chest, the feeling of fullness, the feeling of a dam being pushed and shoved at, just waiting to break and pour everything out. an anchor of bitter sweetness in his heart and two shipwrecks in his eyes, sinking and sinking and daring to spill out everything. he swallowed down a hard choke. he wouldn't cry. he wouldn't. he didn't want to wake the boy up, didn't want him to know he was so in love with him that he had stayed all those hours.

their noses were touching. he swallowed again. he felt his warmth. his mouth tasted awful. he was close, so, so close to him, and as he twisted his head, he could feel nick's breath against his lips.

if he moved forward just a little, he would have kissed him, would have done the thing he had spent years dreaming of doing. it horrified him, and he swallowed and swallowed and swallowed his sickness. why did it have to be like this? why did he have to love him? why couldn't he have just moved on already, found someone new to pine over who he actually had a chance with? how pathetic was he to be there by his side when nick wanted another? 

"clay." 

everything was cold. nick didn't feel so warm anymore and suddenly, clay didn't have to worry about dropping his tears onto his cheeks, because he quickly felt nothing.

as clay lifted himself, his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach when a hand grabbed at his shirt and pulled at him to keep him in place. he looked down in alarm and found nick stirring, moving his head towards him and tugging him back down, but he was still asleep, not aware that it was clay that had almost kissed him.

"kiss..." nick murmured in his sleep, 

he almost leaned back down, almost let his soft, piercing voice get to him, until george came forward and set him straight.

"he's probably dreaming of a girl, clay," george said, generous with how straightforward he was with his words, and the hand in clay's shirt weakened as nick hummed and turned the other way. 

clay laughed for a brief moment. he lifted a hand to his head as he sucked up his tears, as he felt the pounding in his temples and the heaviness in his chest. "i'm... i'm such an idiot," he hissed, feeling the taunting fingers of shame pointing at him and singling him out for his behaviour. "i'm... i'm _sick_...!" he had been so caught up in nick that he hadn't even noticed that george had got there.

pupnap whimpered in his hair and licked desperately at his forehead. he hated seeing his clay like this. rocknap had even given up at his attempt of capturing the snacks and had climbed onto his shoulder. he looked up at his with eyes sunken and upset and pressed his paws up against clay's skin.

"you can't help how you feel, clay." george came around the bed and took his wrists by his hands. he gazed up at him, at his burning cheeks and the tiredness of his eyes. "go," he said reassuringly. "i'll look after him," he promised, and clay had faith in him.

this wasn't going to work out. at some point, clay would have to stop chasing, have to stop following. if he wanted some peace of mind, clay and nick would have to walk on separate paths. 

"don't tell him," clay whispered, his weakness fluid on his tongue. he didn't give nick another glance, avoided his direction even as he reached for his book, coat and bag. he could lick over the ghost of his breath on his tongue but for the moment he let it linger; that was the only bit of thread he had left to hold onto and he would salvage it for as long as he could before he let himself fall once and for all. "don't tell him i was here."

george watched him go. his expression was blank as it always was with him, his natural visage special to his name, but he felt for the boy too. he hated seeing his best friend in pain, as would anyone.

clay got his things and left, took his heart with him too, closed the door until it clicked, and walked away completely.

it was quiet around george, the only thing being nick's breaths. george had always found his breathing obnoxiously loud, as with any amount of noise nick made, so he cracked his knuckles, leaned down and fixed the bright pink leg warmers on his shins, and let out a steady exhale.

george lifted his leg, let it hover for a moment where it was, and licked his lips.

 _this one's for clay_ , he thought, and for a second time that day, nick dropped to the floor, though this time, snapped into consciousness instead of out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this angst am i supposed to add an angst tag  
> this is turning out more slow burn then i had anticipated but i guess thats how we're going now, i hope that isn't an issue-
> 
> COMMENT KUDO BOOKMARK SUBSCRIBE !!!!!!!!  
> and follow me on twitter @nihilisums :-)
> 
> ALSO!!!! if u ever want to make fanart GO FOR IT!!! and u can use the hashtag #sfyfanart ... theres two in there LOL help it grow TO THE TALENTED PEOPLE WHO HAVE MADE ME FANART THANK U SO MUCH!!!! AND ALSO THANK U FOR THE COMMENTS AND LOVE FROM LAST CHAPTER THIS GOT JUST UNDER 2000 MORE HITS FROM CHAPTER 4 AAAAAAA!!!!!! THANK U SM OK IM GONNA SHUT UP BYE


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10.4k IGNORE MISTAJES PLS BYE

nick grinned like a well fed cat, body slinky as it stretched, and tummy hanging as its mouth was still occupied with the remnants of its favourite dish, warm, cheesy lasagna, with juicy meat and the loveliest tomato sauce. he felt good, like his body was being cradled by heaven, by clouds and the softest of cushions, by the flower petals of the garden of eden – really, his comfort felt celestial. 

his eyes were open, but nick couldn't process anything that he saw, if anything at all. his mind was hazy, he couldn't focus on a single thing, but he knew he saw white, and faint glimmers of light. he knew he smelled candles, vanilla, and saw speckles of red; not blood, though the drops of roses. 

he could and couldn't feel his body, but couldn't move for sure. it hardly felt as though he possessed fingers or legs or feet, a torso, neck or tummy; nick simply existed, floated. it was as though his soul had been taken from his body and put into a feather, swishing from left to right, right to left, in an endless, graceful fall. 

nick was naked. he knew it because he felt free, felt tingles across his body as if he were exposed to everything, down his spine, around his wrists, and into the dips of his palms, circles inside that made him twitch and giggle. his thighs were being toyed with, and for a moment it made him feel nice, warm as he was caressed, until it made his face twist when the tickles turned into hard squeezes and firmer rubs. 

nick tried to open his eyes again, tried to find the identity of whoever was responsible for the responses of his body, but he found that it was out of his control. when it felt like his eyes were opening, the light he had seen was no longer there. darkness was the only thing visible, and from the feeling against his eyelids, nick guessed that his vision was impaired by a lace of material, perhaps one of his bandanas.

the sensation travelled up his body - pressure dug into his hips, so sharp and sudden that it made him squirm, or made him feel as though he had squirmed. his mind registered his movements and the feelings though it still felt as though he was only a living form. he squealed at the touch without physically feeling his lips or his tongue, or his teeth as he bit, the touch sliding up his firm stomach and around the curve of his pectorals and squeezing.

the experience was weird, but he knew it felt good. he could feel every touch across his skin though also in what felt like his gut, wrenching and tight and hot, throbbing from his stomach all the way down to his crotch and making him feel like he needed to let himself go, let his body in restraints be free. 

wet, he felt wet, from the inner crevices of his thighs, into the dips of his hips, around the curve of his stomach, and across the hill of his left nipple. the wetness sucked at him there, wrapped perfectly around the bud of swollen skin and kissed softly. he let out whimpers, the muscles in his face twitched repeatedly with every suction of what he presumed to be a mouth, and the knot in his stomach tightened and tightened. 

as nick felt that release slowly coming to him, he felt the material around his eyes get tugged at, and soon enough it fell from around his head, around his face. nick snapped his eyes open though the difference in the light made him wince and blink repeatedly. it glared down on him, heaven did, and it made him miss the face that sunk down above his, and by the time he could see clearly, nick could only catch a pair of lips.

everything felt slow again, and he took that chance to take in every detail. the lips were soft and kissable, he thought as they got closer to his own, perked and ready to take his breath away from him and to breath him in themself. they were medium sized, decently plump, unlike his own thin ones, and had a slight peach tint to them, as if they were coated with a layer of carefully applied chap stick. 

nick's gaze, entranced by the lips, darted everywhere around, but when he tried to find any other aspects of the person before him, his head began to spin. it was as though he was being punished for trying to learn more as his head felt hazy again. he tried again, and again, to see a pair of eyes, to see hair, body, to identify who it was leaning in for a kiss, but the effort was futile. his head was starting to feel to dizzy that he felt like he would pass out all over again.

so, nick closed his eyes and accepted it. he let in a small breath before perking up his lips, anticipating the kiss that would come from the mysterious pair of lips. he wanted to feel them against his, wanted to taste the peach, wanted to feel that skilled tongue that had teased his body inside of his mouth. nick wanted whoever it was, wanted to feel him in every depth of his being as he was floating and falling and simply existing.

he felt them, a brush of them, felt the whisper of their breath, and he tensed harshly until the touch disappeared. he snapped his eyes open and was bewildered when a sharp pain shot through his right side all the way to his left, as the white around him whirled around and around and around, as his legs felt entangled, encased, claustrophobic, as nick gasped harshly as he was shot above the surface and into reality again.

nick opened his eyes, and winced again in the same fashion that he had done before, for the lights in the nurse's office glared down at him in the very same way. his legs were tangled in the sheets, his body ached from both sides, from the fall and whatever had made him fall, and he stared up at the ceiling, completely white. 

the nostalgia made nick feel queasy, so he raced up from the floor and made eye contact with a pair of heterochromatic eyes. 

"hey, dumbarse," george greeted, ever so friendly, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression curled in spite. 

nick let out an unintelligible sound, his mind bracing on the situation he was in and recalling everything that had happened up until that point.

george was wearing a bag made out of a care bear. he had missed the bus. george's hair had butterfly clips in them he recognised from nichole. he had been bullied by children and scuffed his hands up. george looked taller than usual. shithead had escaped his room. george's wrists were piled up like usual, some bracelets spelling out nick's name, clay's, karl's and alex's in pastel colours. he had raced around the school again for his shithead, had become entranced by clay's performance on the football field, and had passed out. shithead had multiplied and created shithead-two. 

nick blinked and squinted. "you're... you're colourblind," he stated as a matter of fact, as if he hadn't known it about george before.

"i _am_ colourblind, yes, nick," george responded mockingly. 

"but, but... but you wear... all those colours," he murmured tiredly, pushing a hand up with all the energy he hand and pointing at him - pink leg warmers, denim overall shorts with the characters of winnie the pooh stitched into them, a striped sweater underneath, white sneakers with rainbow accents; the computer science major wore every shade.

george deadpanned and sat down in the chair that clay had once occupied, crossing a leg over the other and leaning back. "get up and eat something, idiot."

nick got up from kneeling against the bed and crawled over to the other side of it, sitting down at the edge. "did you... did you kick me?" he murmured, still not into it at all. he scrunched his fist up and rubbed at his eyes sleepily, a yawn slipping through his lips. he groaned lowly. his lips...

"i did kick you." george smiled like a bitch, forearms lazed against the arms of the sofa and his dominant ankle rolling softly. he sat like the chair was his throne.

"kinda rude," pouted nick, lifting his fingers to his lips and feeling them. "you always hurt my feelings, dude."

"boohoo, cry about it." george watched him. normally, nick would have put more effort into the words he had heard many times before. his eyes squinted slightly as nick continued messing with his lips, swiping his tongue over them and brushing them with his fingers. he screwed his eyebrows together and cleared his throat. "what're you doing, nick? why do you keep doing that with your lips?"

nick looked up and his blank expression twisted into a furious glare. "you totally interrupted a super hot dream, you moron!" 

george's adam's apple rolled with the hardness at which he swallowed, never enjoying topics about sex or intimacy. he straightened up however, raised his eyebrow. "you were having a wet dream?" he was still george though; his face still showed hints of disgust with nick in general.

"the hottest one i've had yet! they touched me so good!" nick whined in an agony much too dramatic for a simple wet dream. he touched his lips again, george spied a hand stroking at his chest, making him feel queasy, and he turned a blind eye to the rubbing of his thighs. "they were about to kiss me, dude, and then you woke me up!"

"they?" george opted to focusing on his wording for his own sake, and for clay's.

nick stopped touching himself up and nodded innocently. "uh-huh! i couldn't tell who it was! it was all white and bright, and i could only see lips, for like, just a second!" 

"interesting..." george's hummed thoughtfully, thinking of when he had opened the door and saw how closely their lips were, how close clay was to kissing the boy. that in itself wasn't at all that interesting; george had caught the boy head over heels while nick was unaware plenty of times.

it was the fact that in nick's dream, the person so closely kissing him was ambiguous. it was not a man, or woman, and sapnap didn't even know the implications of what such things could mean.

george sighed to himself, _what an idiot_. he shifted himself on the chair, leaned his cheek against his hand and propped his elbow up on the arm rest. he felt a metaphorical bile bubble at the back of his throat as nick continued oggling the memories of his wet dream. for the most part, he just looked like more of a dumbarse than he did on a day to day basis.

"are you that desperate for a fuck? you know, you could just a buy a hooker," he murmured in boredom. 

nick's face twisted in mortification. "i'm not losing my virginity to a hooker!" 

"why not? it's the only way you'll ever get laid," he continued, gazing at his bracelets, at clay's name in particular. 

nick glared at him, rolled his eyes. "fuck you," he spat out, and george smiled, taunted him. "karl and alex are gonna help me meet some girls this year. i'm definitely going to lose it to a hot one!"

"are you looking for a girlfriend too?" george asked idly.

"i mean, first i want to have sex," nick shrugged. "if i do find a girl i like, then yeah!"

george narrowed his gaze again. what was so good about sex anyway? he had never understood the hype about it. "whatever," he murmured. "when you find one, she'll want me instead."

"fuck you!" snapped nick again, and george smiled all the same. 

"eat, stupid. you slept through lunch," he hummed, deciding he was done with messing with nick, however fun it was to get under his skin. 

pouting, nick grabbed the plastic bag that was on the bedside table and, as soon as he peered inside of it, the sulk on his face dissipated and george snorted at the way his face brightened. he was so easily pleased, like a dumb kid.

"did clay come 'round here?"

george's amusement dropped from his face slowly. "why do you ask?" he murmured as casually as he could, and nick was none the wiser. 

"because all these snacks are in here!" george watched as nick unpacked the bag with great enthusiasm.

"choko choko!" he threw up a dark brown coloured packet, and george could guess that they were chocolates, though he didn't recognise them before.

"fruit gummies!" he recognised those; nick was always snacking on them.

"v cut!" potato chips, barbecue flavoured. they tickled his mind. he felt like he had heard of them before but also like he hadn't.

"melon cake!" packeted cake, and melon flavoured?

"chocolate pudding!" george grimaced at the sight of the pudding. when he had first transferred to their high school, nick had punched him in the nose for trying to take the last chocolate pudding from the cafeteria. that was their first interaction before they realised their mutual friend was clay. 

"yan yan, and all three of them!" nick's eyes glowed at the dip snacks, biscuit sticks with vanilla, strawberry and chocolate cream. george felt nostalgia, but he couldn't pinpoint why. all three of them, too? how spoiled of him.

lastly, nick pulled out a subway sandwich and a bottle of pink juice george deciphered as "mogu mogu", lychee flavoured. nick blinked at the sandwich, then back up at george.

"my subway order is perfect, and you got all these filo snacks! there's no way it was you who brought this stuff," nick stated, a suspicious brow high, and he was completely right.

george didn't even know nick's birthday. may first? or was it second? or not at all may, but march? it was nick, after all, he had no reason to remember it. 

"i texted him," he said. "i asked what snacks you'd like and he told me about this shop that sells... all that stuff. he texted me your subway order too." thankfully, george knew how to lie through his teeth like it was the alphabet. he quickly added, "besides, he said he'd pay me back."

"what? you can't do one nice thing for me?" nick scoffed, taking a bite out of the chicken-bacon syrup sandwich. 

"no, i don't think i can," george chirped, and nick just rolled his eyes, chewing his food. 

"here," he mumbled through his food, and george braced himself as the potato chips were thrown into his lap. "have some," nick frowned with a defeated pout. "filo snacks aren't the same if i don't share, even though you're george and not clay."

george shrugged and opened the packet, starting eating a few of the chips. "what do you mean, i'm not clay?"

"me and clay used to eat all these when we were little." nick started kicking his feet upon the bed as he reminisced. george watched him intently, and he decided he preferred it this way when he oggled his memories, a happy, content smile on his face and eyes soft and gentle instead. "we sat on the side of the road after riding our bikes around town and share stuff between us. v cut, yan yan, and oh, oh! boy bawang!"

george nodded, a small exhale letting his chest rest. right, he remembered now. he had known that already, known about all those snacks before. he knew exactly how they sat, exactly where their shoulders and knees brushed together, exactly how clay looked up at nick and how nick didn't look at him. 

"would it kill for someone to get murdered around here?!" a young nick would complain, his muddy converse sneakers stretched over the sidewalk across the road, his orange bike lying beside him. 

the crumbs of a stick-o would fly from his mouth as nick snapped his teeth on the tip of the chocolate wafer stick. he'd chew angrily, and clay would be able to hear his agitated huffs between them.

fourteen year old clay would giggle back, and take another stick-o from the tub that nick was holding between their bodies, in the middle of them. "well, yeah, it would kill," he said humourously.

it would take a moment for nick to realise what he had meant, ever the idiot, and then clay would giggle harder as he was shoved by nick to the side.

"you know what i mean!" he cried, taking his anger out still on the poor chocolate wafer stick. "this town is so boring. nothing ever happens around here! i'm sick of pretending to be pirates, why can't actual pirates come and take us away? clay, we could be looking for the one piece right now!"

clay put his hand in the packet of potato chips. "the one piece?" 

"i taught you about the one piece! it's the most valuable treasure that was owned by the pirate king! and it's located in the grand line, the most dangerous part of the sea in the world!" 

nick grunted as clay sighed with a dishevelled expression. "hey, it's not like you can tell me what the line of scrimmage is."

nick's face twitched as he tried to think, tried his hardest to prove clay wrong, but in the end it ended in giggles from the blonde and the brunette snapping his head away in defiance. "whatever!" 

george sighed again. he knew exactly when nick's birthday was, knew all his favourite things, knew just as much about him as clay did, because the boy never shut his mouth about him. he had heard too many stories about their childhood from clay coming to his and whining about them, and he had heard the other things too, the less precious childhood memories and the more explicit grown up awakenings. george shuddered to himself, remembering when nick had finally gotten his ear piercings done professionally and clay had blown up his phone about it. that was one hell of a night.

"you mean, he didn't come 'round here at all?" 

"is it not enough that i'm here?" 

nick scoffed. "not only is he paying for the food, clay probably paid you to be here too, didn't he?"

george scoffed back. he hated being predictable. "he didn't, actually," the boy lied, and nick didn't suspect a thing. "clay just couldn't stay around. a football thing," he shrugged. spying the disappointment of nick's face, he tried harder. "one of the cheerleaders whisked him away, i think."

it didn't have the effect george thought it would, because nick perked up, syrup at the corner of his lip. "cheerleaders?"

george muttered in confusion. "yeah?"

"was it one of them who carried me back here?" he looked too excited. it worried george.

"why... why would you think that?"

"because whoever carried me out of their had the biggest boobs ever!" george wanted to kill himself. "i know i passed out but i felt them. big, and curvy, and so cosy!" george wanted to kill him, shove that damn sandwich down his throat and choke him to death. "it had to be a cheerleader, right? i mean, they gotta throw people up so they have to had been super big and curvy to carry me, right? were they cute, george?"

"i don't fucking know, you degenerate!" george snapped, rolling the v cut bag up and flinging it back at the boy. "god, do you have to think with your dick all the time?"

"what the hell is your problem, dude?!" nick cried. 

"the problem is that if you thought with your brain for once someone might wanna fuck you!"

"wh–?! what the hell does that even mean?!" 

"it means that cl–!" george bit his tongue, brought the heel of his palm up to his head. he counted in his head, dropped his hand, and glared furiously as nick, who had a mouthful of sandwich still sat in his mouth. "nothing!" he snapped. "just eat your fucking sandwich so we can go!"

the rest of their time in the office was quiet. nick's legs stopped swinging, remaining still as his ankles crossed over each other, and he chewed especially silently. he didn't look george's way, minded his business, and the office was eerily quiet, so quiet that it annoyed george even more than if he had made noise.

george tried to endure the weird atmosphere that had washed over the room, tried to convince himself that he didn't care, but the boy snapped, not wanting to crush the beads of his bracelets between his fingers.

"stop that!" he exclaimed suddenly.

nick flinched, almost dropping his sandwich. "i'm not even doing anything!"

"yes, yes you are! you're sulking, like a kicked puppy, and you're doing it on purpose!" 

"maybe that's just your guilty conscience, george," nick huffed, taking the last bite of his subway before he was done with it, crumbling the packaging in his palms.

"you're doing it right now!"

nick got up from the bed and stretched his body, his arms behind his head and around his face. "i can't help how you feel, georgie," he said, sighing as if in defeat.

"i'm not feeling anything unless you're forcing me to feel it by pouting!" 

nick, done stretching, refilled the bags of snacks, and walked over to press the rolled up potato chips into george's chest for him to carry. "you feel bad? you feel bad. what can you do?"

george growled as he watched nick back as he grabbed his school bag and walked towards the door. "you're so annoying," he murmured through gritted teeth.

"the student becomes the master," nick chirped, winking over his shoulder as george stomped behind him. george huffed. perhaps he had used his fake doe eyes back in high school to get his way around argument between himself, nick and clay a bit too much. "you love all the little things about me, i know you do!" 

george rolled his eyes behind him, closing the office door until it clicked shut. so nick could see things from his imagination yet couldn't see the things so obvious to the eye. he opened the chip back and took generous amounts, ignoring the chirpiness of the boy behind him as he overtook his steps.

"where're we going?" 

"to my dorm. you'll have to stay at karl's, and alex was going over anyway." george was thankful for the time he had been forced to spend with nick being over – he always did count down the minutes he had to breathe the same air as the boy, and there were always moments where he would have enough of it and force himself to stop sharing, which only had one conclusion. he had played his part, pocketed clay's bills, now nick wasn't his problem anymore, or, more precisely, wasn't his headache.

so he didn't notice nick's frantic searching behind him as they walked through the campus. nick tipped his chin up to the sky and found the sun. she was just over the middle of the sky, preparing for her goodbyes. he looked around, looked in his pocket, patted himself down, missed a step to peer behind him, gave george a once over and even peeked into the care bear bag as conspicuously as he could.

shithead wasn't to be found, and neither was his cat earred twin. nick remembered the reproduction when he peered at the cat pin on the pouch pocket of george's overall shorts. the final straw was finding his blob as, not one, but two, as separate identities. shithead had excreted another of himself out and had nick slumping to the ground in a response of shock. there wasn't just shithead now, there was shithead one, and shithead two!

nick dropped the act. his lips trembled in queasiness as he thought about it – he was a father of two, a single one at that! uncapping the lychee, he downed a gulp of it. he didn't even know where his children were. god, he was a terrible father. feeling even more sick, he took another gulp, and then his eyes rolled back in fatigue of his mental clarity. now he was turning to drinking! 

"can you walk like a normal person, dumbarse?" george hissed as they entered his dormitory block, the boy throwing the dirtiest look he had given nick that day over his shoulder.

nick flushed, joining him in the lift. "i had a cramp," he muttered out easily, catching george's eye roll in the reflective wall beside him. "hey, you almost finished them; that wasn't sharing at all!" he barked, grabbing one side of the bag of potato chips in george's arm and peering into it.

"it must have slipped my mind that we were sharing," george hummed, looking much too pleased with himself, and snatching the bag away.

"you're a jerk," muttered nick with a pink cheeked huff, the lift doors sliding open and revealed the sound of other boys and television.

as the elevator door opened, nick peered in, waiting to follow behind george, but george took a moment to simply stand there and grit his teeth. nick opened his mouth to say something, but george was already walking out.

nick felt skittish immediately as the other apparent guys jeered at their arrival, and he grimaced when he recognised one of them to be buzz cut's lacky.

"the bum boy's back!" he was asian and had shaggy black hair, having no other notable features for nick to distinguish him. he leaned against the back of the sofa however and pulled quite the menacing look as george walked through the lounge.

nick felt mortified, glancing at george to find the same reaction, though finding his usual stone cold expression instead.

"go fuck yourself, eddie wang," the boy almost sang, as if routinely, his thick platformed shoes squeaking against the floor as he strutted through.

"how 'bout you go fuck yourself, gay boy?" eddie wang scoffed back; his accent was thick on his tongue. a football game was on tv, and other boys occupied the sofas around eddie. none of the others participated in bothering george however, turned a blind eye even as if it wasn't even happening.

"how about..!" george began. "i go and fuck your mum's fat pussy..?" nick's cheeks darkened, plagued by heat as the words slipped out of george's mouth with so much pride. every syllable was spat out with george's entire chest like he had meant it wholeheartedly. he even stopped in his tracks, nick almost bumping into his back, and gave eddie the bitchiness of his sour expression nick had fallen victim of multiple times. "bet she'd love my big, _gay_ cock..! how about that?"

eddie looked alarmed, and finally the spell broke and suddenly the other boys seemed to acknowledge what was going on simply by sneering under their breaths, amused by the exchange and george's response rather than eddie confronting him unprovoked in the first place.

"dickhead," george laughed bitterly under his breath, turned back around and strutted away with his care bear on his back down the corridor, like eddie wang was about as important to him as a bug beneath his shoe.

nick, still flustered, scrambled behind him. that was the second time that day something like... that, had happened.

"d–does that happen often?"

"look at me," george scoffed obviously. nick looked at him, with his glittery clips, baby pink leg warmers and mountains of kiddie jewelry. "what do you think?"

nick nodded in a vague understanding. he knew george didn't dress like other guys, that was for sure, but he had never really thought the way he dressed was weird, was... gay. "are you really... do you really like guys?" he muttered awkwardly, bringing a hand up to rub behind his neck. 

george huffed, continuing down the hall. he was tired, tired of people in general now. "no, and what does it matter?"

"n–nothing! i was just–! i was just wondering!" 

george gave him one last look before they got to his room. he gave the door a knock, waited a second, before he stepped in, and nick followed, being sucked into the room by the abundance of personality that coloured the walls, as if something had thrown it all up, locked the door, and shaken the shared bedroom around. 

there was a clear split in the room, but both sides made their way to the other like the crawling legs of a giant tree stuck in the ground, its thick, brambly stumps scattering like the limbs of spiders. a babymetal poster slipped closer to the butterflies on the wall on the right, and a stray plushie sat on the open wardrobe to the left, which revealed only dark articles of clothing, with accenting colours being bright red, neon green, and a metallic purple. nick had been friends with the two boys since highschool but their contrasting ways would never fail to surprise him each time he met them.

"nick! hey, man!" nick perked up immediately and accepted the hug from the boy that lived on the darker side of the room.

it was so strange that every time it happened, nick got the slightest bit of whiplash from it, from how different alex and george were from each other, how they covered themselves in the other boy's personality and became a mismatched pair.

if anyone were to be wearing friendship bracelets with all of his favourite people's names on them, nick would put it on alex to do so, match the smiley faced ear studs with the law student's equally smiling face. he always was grinning from ear to ear, always had his eyes wide and bright to welcome anyone inside of his bubble. 

karl had been right about him. alex was a charm – a beacon of light that made everyone gravitate towards him and share his glee and excitement. really, nick had never seen george so happy and alive until he was by alex's side.

"it's been a while!" chirped alex. george would have shoved him, karl would have slung a sleazy arm around his shoulder, but alex touched his bicep and gave him a firm, reassuring squeeze, and paired with the positivity in his eyes, nick felt like everything would be fine, forgot for a moment even that be was missing something.

"yeah," smiled nick, the two pulling away. "looking as... alt as ever," he added, gazing at him with an impressed look. 

[alex](https://twitter.com/disappat/status/1350869648909062145?s=19) wore a duck, not made out of rubber, though in the shape of its skull, over the black chest of his baggy, oversized t-shirt. as they hugged, nick could feel the chains that hung around his neck press against him, and the chain hanging down the side of his leg, attached to the equally baggy pants, jingled lightly with his movements. his ears were gauged out with thick black piercings, ones nick had been too afraid to get done himself, and his under eyes bled with smudged eyeliner. he was the contrast of george's outfit, with bright red accents decorating the darkness, a print of a red skull painting the bottoms of his jeans. 

there wasn't a care bear, a rainbow, a childish bead in sight. alex wore chains, chokers, buckles over his wrists and thighs. he was the exact opposite of geroge's fashion and his own personality, not a breath of his sunshine attitude to be found. one could call it poetic how the two existed so abnormally unlike themselves.

and, of course, he wore his famous beanie, a dark blue almost the same shade of black. his hair brushed messily over his forehead, brimming across his bleeding eyes vaguely. nothing would get a beanie off of alex's head. 

alex smiled at the comment, walking over towards the open door of their closet. he dug out the checkered skateboard that was sitting behind the door. "i heard what happened. you okay, man?" 

"i'm fine, all good," nick nodded. "just an off day," he hummed, sitting on the edge of alex's bed, parallel to george's which leaned against the other wall. he looked around curiously, amazed at how the dormitory had already been splashed with their hobbies in such a short time. there were two electric guitars leaning against the wall, one baby pink, character themed, a cat with a head bow and no nose, and the other metallic black, with barbed wire prints trailing up it in decoration. 

"isn't clay taking care of you anymore?" alex's voice was teasing as he chimed out the comment, closing the closet door and hefting the skateboard over the desk that sat between them, one side adorning black nail polishes, the other with little plush toys. 

nick pouted, his attention getting captured by the toy that was sitting at the head of alex's bed, tucked underneath the covers and sitting against the pillow comfortably. 

"what does that mean? clay doesn't take care of me; i take care of myself!"

george scoffed from where he was inside of his own bed, arm tucked behind his pillow and thumb scrolling on his smartphone. 

alex giggled at his reaction, checking his wheels and the state of his board, and he hummed, "nothing personal. 's just that clay usually hangs over you and stuff, makes sure you're well." 

"really? well, now it's like he couldn't care less about me anymore," he muttered absently, not giving the other two a chance to respond as he grabbed the toy from the bed and held it up. "what'd they do to hello kitty?"

george gave him the same scoff, and alex laughed the same too as he glanced up to see the rabbit-like plush in his suspecting hands. nick blinked at it, the head of it having a pink chest coloured into its jester-imp hat.

"that's kuromi, dumbarse," the british boy said. 

alex hefted his board up and tucked it beneath his arm. he came forward and took the toy from nick's hand, tucking it back into place. "george has melody and i have kuromi."

nick pouted towards george. "why don't we have couple's plushies?"

"because i hate you," deadpanned george, not even bothering to look up from his phone. "lock the door on your way out, alex," he hummed, ignoring the offended little gasp that nick let out.

"come on." alex dropped his hand to nick's shoulder and gave it the same affirmative squeeze from before. "karl and i are going skateboarding. i'm sure karl's got a spare board if you wanted to join."

nick got up, shook his head. he couldn't spend more time in leisure; he had to sit down for the first time and really try to understand what was going on, what the meaning all of this was. 

"i think i'll just rest," he laughed casually. "today's been one heck of a day, you know?"

alex nodded in understanding with a validating smile. "see ya, george," he grinned, sticking his tongue out towards him and throwing up a peace sign. 

george responded with an exaggerated smile, silly, like the ones alex pulled especially, and waved. nick tried his luck, threw a wave up too, said his goodbyes, but george's face dropped immediately and he spat a harmless, "fuck off," turning his wave into a middle finger.

"how did you get him to like you?" scowled nick as they walked across campus. "i swear, we've gotten along, maybe once!" and even then, it was christmas, when george was invited by his and clay's families to join them. his mother thought it would be funny to them a getting along sweater, and she had said that they would only get their turkey if they did exactly that: gotten along. hair was still pulled, skin was still pinched, but for the most part, they had tolerated each other's existence.

alex laughed and shrugged. "hey, he was skittish with me first too! and you know he loves you deep down."

"deep down."

"deep, _deep_ down."

nick deadpanned with a dejected huff, alex twinkling next to him at the reaction. "deep, deep, _deep_ down," they emphasised simultaneously, alex's words dripping with his snickers at the   
end. 

"aleeex!" nick felt a pang of something hit his chest as karl ran forward and took the small boy into his arms, making his shoes lift up from the floor with the way he hugged him so hard. karl practically drooled over alex's chin as they hugged it out, spinning him around on wobbly feet and making alex laugh uncontrollably.

"how many today?"

"only one," karl said. they had stopped spinning, but karl's arms lingered around alex's torso. nick didn't think anything of it – karl had always been touchy, his love language being physical touch the same way it was for nick. the boy just couldn't remember when he had embraced clay with the same passion as they had just done. 

"really?" 

"i told you i'd cut down," karl grinned. his eyes were still drooping though he seemed to be less out of it than he was before. he also wasn't wearing the same pants, instead wore ones that were completely black, save for the skulls, and ended in the middle of his calves. "i keep my word."

when nick realised the doors of karl's car were locked with a few firm tugs of the handles, he sighed loudly and broke whatever enchantment the two had fallen victim to, karl to alex's dark eyes, and alex to karl's blue.

"you guys know i'm still here, right?" it was as if his entire life's purpose was to be a pathetic third wheel, to clay and george back in high school, to george and alex just then, and to alex and karl now. seriously, he couldn't catch a break with his relationships or friendships.

"alex, did you hear that just then?" 

nick grimaced, clutching the car door tighter.

"huh? hear what?" alex played along in an instant. 

"that sound..! of absolutely no askers..! you–! you heard it too, right?" karl gawked, hands lifting to grip at alex's shoulders instead as if the discovery was legitimate and life changing.

alex gawked with the same hyperbolic enthrallment, exclaimed, "loud and clear, man!" 

"okay, you're _sooo_ funny. hilarious. now, let me in," the texan boy said through gritted teeth, looking anywhere but them as he felt the emotion in his chest pang harder, rattle his heart with more force than he had anticipated. suddenly, he missed whichever cheerleader had carried him, whichever soft yet firm breast he had cuddled up against.

after a moment of amusement and deadpan, they all climbed into karl's car, alex in the passenger seat and nick in the back, his head tilted against the window as his body still held the effects of his fatigue. really, he wanted nothing more than to sink his body into some nice, bubbly bath water, lay cucumbers over his eyes, light candles, and just relax.

"so." nick knew the moment he heard the note from alex's lips that he would regret not simply taking the bike ride home. "the big ol' virginity debacle, huh, man?" 

nick let out an especially audible sigh.

"hey, i get it, okay? i totally get it," alex continued, glancing at him for a moment with something of a reassuring look. "you know, back in middle school i thought i'd get married and lose it to pauline, but then she started sitting next to louis for knitting class!"

"knitting class?" nick scoffed. he imagined a littler alex knitting a scarf for himself, wearing a littler beanie, the scarf coming out black and bright red, perhaps with the shape of duck skulls knitted into them. 

"you aren't focusing on what's important, okay? they'd play fucking tag in knitting class!" alex cried out dramatically. "after me and pauline had a thing, she started tickling louis instead! fucking louis, man!"

karl snorted, turning a corner, which made nick crack a smile too, despite not having the energy. alex was just like that; he was able to make people happy even when they didn't think they could manage it.

"i had to sit next to my fucking friend erving, who i didn't fucking like, while they-! they were giving each other fucking tickles and shit!" 

nick broke into a fit of giggles behind his fist as alex's recalling of his middle school struggles sounded funnier and funnier, the boy's voice dripping at the edges with feigned tears. 

"why are you laughing?!" alex yelled back at him. nick figured he'd be the one getting laughed at again but he was glad it was the other way around.

"i'm gonna keep it a buck," karl purred, glancing at alex and throwing a hand onto his shoulder. "ninety-nine cents and one more, even," he added, alex looking up at him with a pout. "think we've uncovered some trauma we need to deal with later, huh?"

alex sniffled. "we do?"

"i got you, man," karl whispered, shaking his shoulder. he leaned away from him and yelled, a shaky giggle leaving his lips, "pauline didn't deserve you! pauline's a whore!" 

"you can't get pauline'd, all right, man? i won't let that happen to you."

"we won't let that happen to you."

the corners of nick's lips quirked up as karl corrected alex, as alex nodded in agreement. the two were a pair before alex and george were roommates. they were joined by the hip when he and clay met them in high school and were the same amazing duo that they were back then, bouncing off of each other so easily and being more of a light to nick than alex alone.

"which reminds me, we got you a date, dawgie dawg!"

"already..?!" the youngest of the three blinked in surprise.

karl smiled delightfully, proud of his own work. "mmmhm! thanks to the jacobs and quackmeister expertise!" the car came to a slow and nick peered out his window to find them turning into karl's driveway. 

"she and her friends are going bowling next week," chimed alex, grabbing his skateboard from his feet and getting out of the car as the engine came to a halt. "brunette for me, pink for karl, and a blonde for you."

all of a sudden, nick felt sick to his stomach, his cheeks flaring up as he hears the prospect of a date, an actual date, the first date he would have in months.

"so you've gotta week to bring out the big guns, understand? no passing out on her." 

nick braced as karl threw him the keys to the car, his house key attached to it, and caught the flying brass in the air. he looked up in a panic at karl's teasing expression and gave him a non committal scoff.

"lay off," alex laughed, nudging karl in his side. "don't worry. you've got this! you have a week to prepare and we're gonna be with you anyway, all right?"

his loving eyes told nick to take the rest of the day off, and it did enough to ease him once more. the two threw up their hands in farewell, dropped their boards to the floor and skated off down the road, nick watching them disappear around the corner and holding back a grin as karl almost tripped over his feet.

nick turned, walked up the stone steps up to the front of karl's bungalow. his steps were quiet, a sigh escaped his lips between them, and, finally, he thought, as the neighbourhood's tranquility eased him, the day was over.

the keys jingled, the lock gurgled with a satisfying scratch, and the door opened, and out came the stench of weed. nick twisted his nose at the fowl smell. he had gone through high school with the whiff constantly surrounding him, karl's raggedy sweaters having the drug between the threads of the fabric. nick would never compel himself to enjoy it, so he rummaged through the cupboards in karl's kitchen and flickered a lighter on carefully.

tendrils of smoke curled beautifully out of the lightened tips of the incense sticks. nick watched them swirl around in wonder for a moment, finding the chase of his eyes around their curves therapeutic before setting them down on the counter and heading for the bathroom.

karl's home was just as weird as he was. tapestries with splashes of desaturated colours and winding patterns were hung across the walls of the hallways. dreamcatchers were scattered around the different corners of the house and upon the cabinets sat crystals of different textures and colours, along with other ornaments that nick felt it safer if he didn't touch, particularly the crystal ball that seemed to glow strangely.

the bath started filling with water as nick flicked the tap up. he opened the bathroom cabinet to find an assortment similar to nichole's and decided that a bit of everything would suffice. nick even had a fleeting thought of tasting the orange scented soap – did it taste like oranges too? thankfully, the rubber duckies distracted him soon enough before he decided to test his hypothesis.

nick stripped out of his clothes when the bath was adequately filled. it felt like a breath of fresh air to peel them off of his body – he had been running all day and they had started to feel constricting, dirty and much too warm. standing in all of his naked glory felt like he had struggled his way out of a cocoon and had spread his wings, embracing his freedom.

his eyes rolled to the back of his skull as he closed them, the body of hot, foaming water accomodating to every one of his senses. vanilla buttercream filled the air, made his nose twitch in appreciation; and, with his legs, arms and torso submerged, his body burned pleasantly, the gentle brushes of the bubbly liquid making his skin tingle in a way that made it difficult to suppress a sigh. he enjoyed hearing the melody of the soap globes popping on the surface and it felt as though the cotton tails of bunnies were brushing along his eyelids as he couldn't find any willpower to keep them up.

the pleasantries of the bath made him feel reminiscent of the dream that he had had before george kicked him awake. the bubbles drifting against his skin felt like the pads of the fingers that had touched him, had kneaded into the pressure points of his hips and made him gasp in delight. the warmth, the closeness, the euphoria – it all felt real again, felt like nick's body had been taken by the hands of gods to worships and praise with their religious touches.

he wanted to feel that feeling forever, didn't even feel like he needed to open his eyes to identify the lover. he just wanted them to stay and touch him and hold him and make him feel lost in heaven until the end of time.

nick opened his eyes anyway, looked up at the ceiling with a happiness he hadn't gazed with before. this was it. this was maximum contentment. he didn't need to have sex, didn't need the attention of his best friend, didn't need to prove his masculinity to anyone. all nick had ever needed was a nice, long, lazy bubble ba–

"SHITHEA–?! _MMNF!!_ "

water. water, all up in his nose, in his mouth, and a pair of arms keeping him there for a good few seconds.

they were fourteen again. it was the summer just before the start of high school and clay and nick were together, attached by their hips just as they always were. it was another joint family vacation for the two of them and they had rented out a holiday inn.

the days always felt so long, and clay and nick savoured every second of them. they wore hawaiian style shirts and airy shorts, and sunglasses that nestled in their hair as they walked the pier, and raced across the wooden planks in their sandals to get to the mini theme park that was just beside where they were staying. 

they leaped out of their beds and raced to the beach to get sand between their toes and to discover buried treasures, nick's head often adorning one of his pirate play hats and clay's hands grasping a wooden sword behind him. they would march along the beach like they owned it, wave their fingers at crabs they caught in jars, their eyes magnified through the glass, and at the end of the day, as the crickets whistled, the two would sit together and talk.

one particular night, the moon was bright and beautiful, swollen in the middle of the sky, looking almost like the ones they had seen in those terrible werewolf movies their sisters seem to love so much. the moonlight glowered in the skin and across their cheeks as they sat at the end of the little boardwalk, the curves of their knees pressing together with their shoulders.

"would you still be my friend if i was a werewolf?" nick had wondered with a playful smile, glancing at clay.

clay glanced back at him and returned the smile, though as if nick was stupid. "of course, i would," he had replied. "i'll always be your friend, dummy."

"even if i was a worm?" nick challenged giddily, leaning into clay's face.

clay's face dropped and he hummed, feigning thought about it, before he teased, "worms are significantly less cooler than werewolves."

"you could chop a worm in half and they'd just grow back!" nick pouted, looked up at the moon. "i don't think a werewolf could do that."

clay snorted, shook his head. "either way, you wouldn't make a very good werewolf either." 

"yeah, i would! i'd be the king of werewolves!" nick cried, his voice echoing in the quiet, amidst the buzz of the night critters.

clay tilted his head at him with a devious smirk, and brought his hands up, pressing his pointer and thumb finger together."the king of the werewolves can't be pint sized," he sang, falling into a fit of snickers at the look of horror on nick's face.

"i am not pint sized!" he cried, shoving at clay.

they continued their bickering, going back and forth between each other, the moon being a witness to their yells and laughs and giggles and their contentment in one another. they were so enthralled by the other's company that they didn't notice the bigger critter stalking behind them.

clay continued his taunts, foolish to the paws that prowled closer and closer. he didn't notice the creaking of the broad walk, pinning it to the wind getting between the gaps in the planks and making it shudder, and he didn't notice the long, slinky tail at the corner of his eye that flew up into the air.

"and who's gonna let you–," another step. "–be the king of the werewolves–," the presence of a tongue, and... "–with your pipsqueak v– _OUAHH!_ "

a lick, a long stripe up the underside of clay's exposed arm, shocking him so hard he jumped out of his spot on the edge and tumbled down. nick gawked, raced to his knees and yelled, "clay!"

drops of the water smacked up against nick's cheek and slowly drizzled down as clay hit the surface, creating such a big commotion that even the birds that head been perched upon the rooftops screamed upon departure, their wings flapping over the horizon. 

a darkened mop of hair breached the surface again, wet and sticking to a dripping forehead, and made nick release the anxious breath he had been holding in his chest. as soon as he knew that clay was all right and hadn't been whisked away to the bottom of the sea, nick cracked a sly smile, tilting his head.

"oh my," he purred, and clay's face hardened as he knew what was coming. "now that scream was quite _pipsqueaky_ , wasn't it, dream?"

clay averted his daggers towards the cat that still stood graciously in his spot. it had long white fur, fashioned by the moonlight too, and round, beady blue eyes, and it didn't seem to have an inkling of remorse for the chaos it had just caused. "it licked me!"

"did little lila scare you, clay?" nick cooed condescendingly, digging his finger gently beneath lila's fluffy chin. "such a pretty kitty you are," he continued, giving the gem eyed cat a wink and praising smile. 

"she didn't scare me!" clay snapped. "she shocked me!"

nick, sharing the same trait of stubbornness with clay, hummed, feigning thought in the same way that he had done. "potato potato!" he exclaimed with a dismissive shrug, having much too delight in petting lila than in clay still keeping himself afloat in the water.

as nick gave lila scratches, it was his turn to have his back turned on the prowling of a different cat. after all, more than anything, everyone knew cats hated getting wet.

"such a pretty kitty," he coddled, mesmerized by her beauty as she simply accepted the affection. "so pretty, so pretty, yes, you a- _WAHH!_ "

another splash and scream had the man in the moon perking up to turn his gaze towards them. lila pranced back on the board walk to avoid getting caught. clay had grabbed onto the edge of the wooden board walk and lifted himself up to grab at nick's shirt with his other fist. with malicious glints in his eyes akin to a disturbed feline, clay yanked him over the edge and pulled him into the water. he wrapped his arms around his head and dunked his head playfully before nick fought back and pushed him away.

that night, they spent an alarming amount of time playing in the rumoured crocodile infested waters.

four years later, and water still. water, all up in his nose, in his mouth, though this time, an absence of arms.

how strange of him to remember such a memory now.

the vanilla buttercream turned stale, the fins of sharks pecked at his eyes, the water felt lukewarm, the sound of bubbles didn't please him anymore, and nick decided that he would never take a bath again, ever. 

his entire body jumped as a flash of white hopped into his peripheral vision, scaring the lights out of him and forcing his head beneath the water, his shoulders slipping from its balance against the bath. water filled his nose and mouth quickly as he was mid scream and he thrashed to get back onto his bottom, his grip onto the edges almost slipping and sending him back down. it splashed outside and slapped against the floor but the possible flooding of karl's bathroom didn't concern nick as he coughed up his lungs, his skull feeling as though it was rocking his bath water.

he coughed, and coughed, and droplets of the water spluttered out of his mouth. he pounded his fist against his chest and blinked repeatedly, the white of the bathroom becoming to same haze he had felt in his dream, though much less welcoming to feel.

"shit..!" nick said hoarsely, his throat feeling like it had been charred. he whipped his head around, the facade broken and laying on the ground in crumbs, and spotted the blob that had caused him to drop. "who the fuck are you?! you're not my shithead!"

nick stared in bewilderment at the blob that stood on the edge of the tub. it was unlike shithead, whose head was flat. this one had cat ears moulded from its head, as if the blob was plasticine and someone had pinched the ears out from shithead. nick knew it wasn't shithead because he remembered seeing both of them standing next to each other before his vision betrayed him.

the cat eared blob simply shared shithead's smile. it smiled so hardly at nick that he almost felt threatened by it, paired with the cat features.

nick gulped and disregarded the cat blob for the moment. he looked over the bath in disdain as the water continued spreading all over the floor, and he decided that maybe bath time was over.

with a deep sigh, nick stood up, too far gone to be bothered that he wasn't alone in his nakedness anymore. he pulled the plug and grabbed the shower head to rinse himself off, and cat blob hopped out of his way, in fear of the prospect of getting himself wet.

really, nick thought bitterly as he scrubbed his hair. how stupid was he to believe he could get a moment of peace?

nick finished up in the bathroom, tiptoed around the wet parts of the floor with a towel wrapped around his waist and wondered into karl's bedroom. the blob followed him, mirrored his tiptoeing movement humourously and hopped along behind him. 

karl's bedroom hadn't changed much since the rest of the boys came around for sleepovers. framed posters still hung from the walls, depicting karl's favourite pieces of media from pop culture, from his favourite cartoons, to the franchises he held close to his heart from his heart, to the games he had played religiously. story boards leaned against the decorated walls, beside his guitars, and sketch pads and art materials were strewn across the floor. it was typical of him as an animation major.

"turn around, not shithead," warned nick as cat blob hopped onto karl's desk.

cat blob turned his head to the side in a way that it looked as though he had scoffed. the realisation baffled nick as he turned back around with a queasy face and started clothing himself, finding a lounge shirt with the characters of ed, edd, n eddy on it and a pair of simple sweat shorts. nick swore they were his own that he had left there accidentally.

when he was done, nick sighed again for the a thousandth time that day. the closed the wardrobe and walked to the bed, slinking to the floor next to it in the same spot he met shithead in for the first time.

cat blob jumped down from the desk and hobbled along the carpet towards him. nick didn't look at all impressed with him as he crossed his arms strongly over his chest and squinted down at the blob.

"who are you and what did you do to shithead?" he barked, tensing his arms.

cat blob smiled. that was all cat blob could do. 

"what the hell is this?!" nick cried, throwing his hands up in defeat. one question, one lack of response and he was already down.

as he dropped his hands down beside him to pin them to floor, his fingers brushed up against something that was peeking out from underneath the bed. it grasped nick's attention and he looked down at it, grabbed at the edge and pulled it out until he was face to face with a box of an ouija board.

"an ouija board.." nick nibbled on his bottom lip as he blinked at the burnt orange box of the children's play toy and remembered faintly when the five of them had gathered in search of spirits to pester. that night, karl was high off of his ass, and george wasn't doing too great himself but only on the fumes of karl and alex.

his eyes widened and he threw them up towards the suspecting cat blob. "an ouija board!" he exclaimed, wasting no time in getting the board out and throwing the box over his shoulder to the other side of the room.

nick pressed the board flat on the carpet in front of the blob and took a steady exhale. the alphabet layed there in capital letters, in thick, bold lettering and curving across the surface. in the left corner read yes and in the left read no. numbers from one back to zero were written at the bottom, crowned by the alphabet and above the ominous goodbye.

nick asked giddily, the stars so close to his grasp, "who are you?!"

the cat blob stared at him, and for a moment, nick thought he had reached a dead end and that the blob wouldn't move. his eyes lit up however as not shithead hopped onto the board and designated itself towards the chosen letter.

" _c!_ " nick exclaimed in so much excitement he almost started clapping.

cat blob moved again, hopping around the curve, and glanced up at nick as he stopped on a consonant.

" _l!_ " he followed, anticipation making his chest feel funny.

cat blob went back towards the start of the alphabet.

nick faltered for a moment. " _a?_ " he felt a pinch of worry as cat blob nodded and moved again, moved exactly where nick knew he would go. his shoulders sunk, and he sighed, " _...y_."

cat blob was done moving. 

"clay," nick said softly. he stared at the blob and the blob stared at him, until nick jumped up in agony of not knowing at all what was going on. "what the fuck is that supposed to mean to me?! that–! that doesn't tell me anything!"

cat blob didn't care, for he started hopscotching on the board, hopping between different letters and making nick's eyes dart across each of them, the boy hoping for a secret code to figure out perhaps.

"don't mess with me or i swear i'll keep you in my hair!" nick snapped. his hair was still wet, even dripping down to the t shirt and making darker globes. 

cat blob stopped and did the little head movement he had done before, despite his smile, looking as if he had scowled at nick.

"shithead's gone, you're new! so, how many of you are there?!"

cat blob responded instantly and hopped towards the number six.

"six of you?! you're kidding me!"

cat blob nodded as nick filled with dread. his shoulders bounced lightly for a second, cat blob sneaking in a snark of laughter at his reaction.

"okay," nick murmured, thinking up a question that would give him valuable information. he was getting somewhere, maybe slowly, but all progress was still progress. "all right! what–... what's your purpose? what do you want from me? why are you here?!" 

the cat blob stared at him. nick stared back. the blob continued staring. nick stared back, his eyebrows furrowing.

cat blob's smile got wider until it hopped along, passed the letters and numbers and slinked proudly towards the spot that told nick he had taken too big of a spot.

 _goodbye_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear that's the end of the day LOL i will pick up the pace !!! cat blob is fully introduced, representing dream's sly, scheming, passionate side!!!! 
> 
> SAP'S DREAM??? HELLO??? DO U HAVE SOMETHING TOS AY SAPNAP
> 
> more george! AND ALEX!!!!! ALEX BABYYYY i hope i portrayed him well, i tried my best on him. 
> 
> thank you for reading, commenting, kudos, bookmarks, anything thank you so much i appreciate u all!!! i hope u enjoyed this chapter :))
> 
> if u wanna hang out my twt is nihilisums !! :p


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you see the dnf tag, do not fret, there will not be dnf, i simply added it to spite people who tag badly LOL NO DNF HERE ❌❌❌

twelve, thirteen, fourteen, and then again at fifteen.

he had learned the pattern, every year, another panda bear, but at times he thought, or rather hoped, that that was where his infatuations would end, that he had loved enough and his heart wouldn't be able to draw out any other parts of nick that he would want to cherish for the rest of his life.

to think or hope such a thing was pathetic, and he knew it very well, because he couldn't even count on his fingers every moment where he looked at nick and didn't feel an ache in his heart by what he saw. so fifteen said hello to not one panda, but two, giving him an embarrassment rather than a pair.

they were at a book store, a cute little place on the edge of their town where one would theorise without a shadow of a doubt if they were looking for the blonde haired boy. if his fingers weren't fresh with the smell of dirt and grass from throwing around footballs in the park, the aroma of pages and ink lingered upon them, from tracing the printed words of stories and fairy tales he spent hours in the day indulging in.

"pandas..!" the fifteen year old exclaimed. 'm s'pposed to be working..!"

"nuh-uh! you're s'pposed to be at my house!" the other, on the edge of fourteen, slurred with a soft exhale through his nose. "and we're s'pposed to be watchin' movies together in our fort!"

it was a friday afternoon when nick took clay's hand in his and knocked the breath out him, tugged him down the road back to his place for a sleepover. he had let himself get whisked away because there was no stopping nick when he was excited about something he had looked forward to for a long time – it had prompted the appearance of pupnap in his hair that day.

it was a day of borrowing clothes, nick grinning at the look of clay in one of his band shirts and giggling at the way his sweatpants ender above his ankles. it was clay eating supper with his mom, dad and his sisters, of nichole bothering them and begging for clay's attention until nick got tired of sharing and shoved her back up to her room.

clay didn't help getting the fort material from the top shelf of the stock cupboard; rather he chose to cross his arms and watch as nick hoisted himself on a chair and reached up for them, giggling under his breath as the other cursed out the fact that he still hadn't shot up in height. 

they carried everything back down the stairs and invaded the living room, put all the pillows down, pinned up the blankets, and clay even convinced him to bring out his old collection of stuffed animals to situate around the floor. nick had done so with flushed cheeks, but when he crawled in through the blanket flaps, he found himself rather comfortable with the fluffy animals and characters around.

once the sun dropped and the moon and stars came out to play, they would switch the lights off, plug in their little projector, and look at their own moon and stars, the different colour shapes making circles against the cascading walls of their den. rocknap would wrestle up the fairy lights and pupnap would watch in disbelief at the spinning projections, would focus on one star and follow it around and around until the light made him feel too dizzy.

they would raid the pantry. nick would lay on his stomach with cheeto dust on his fingers and clay would have strawberry laces dangling down his chin, their eyes reflecting the movie playing on the flat screen. pupnap's bum would be sore from losing his and rocknap's little game of tug of war before they would be cuddling up on the back of nick's cow pillow, sharing each end of a strawberry lace. 

"what? but you promised you'd sleep over today!" nick cried, waddling back into the living room with his arms full of chips and cookies and soda cans.

clay adjusted the collar of his jacket. "i'm sorry," he frowned sympathetically, coming towards him. "i had promised mrs. frances last week that i'd help out at the store today and it totally slipped my mind when we made plans."

the cheetos crinkled under the tension of his arms as his shoulders shifted upwards. "i wanted you all to myself, dream..."

clay's heart skipped a beat as he watched nick's green eyes shine in hurt. the lovesick part of him wanted to smile in awe at how cute he looked, with his arms full of the snacks they would share and his eyelashes fluttering at the thought of clay not being there with him. the other more rational side of him felt guilty for making such a considerable space between them, so much so that nick felt like crying at just the thought of his chance to finally spend some time together slipping from his fingers.

really, he was awful.

"come with me," he said, taking everything from his arms, setting them down in the fort and taking his arm up the stairs to change into clothes more suitable for going out.

nick blinked his feelings away. "i don't wanna spend my friday at a lame book store!" 

"come on, it won't take long and we'll be back to the den before you know it," he insisted, opening up a sweatshirt to help tug down nick's body and gazing earnestly at him. "you'll still have some of me. it's... better than nothing, right?"

clay smiled when nick gave in, put his hands through the sleeves of his sweater and frowned grumpily when his head came through the neck hole. he held him and smiled harder, wishing to cheer him up a little, before nick huffed and shook his hands away to get his shoes on, taking the lead. 

so the blonde dragged him out of his house and across town as the sun slowly followed their foots to the middle of the sky.

dragging nick around clay was, quite literally, out of bed and back into his clothes, all around the library as he shelved the books that were tucked against his chest into their appropriate homes, upon polished indian rosewood from the fantasy section to the best-selling authors of that year. from one side of the library all the way to the other, his bigger panda bear persisted, clinging onto him like he were a stick of bamboo.

"let go of me." his words were gentle. they didn't have bite or reprimand at all. "mrs. frances could walk in any moment right now."

clay kept dragging his feet forward while carrying nick's weight with him from behind. he couldn't help but bashfully smile when he felt the vibrations of nick's childish and defiant whine just below his shoulder.

he also couldn't help but stop to feel the thick arms around his waist tighten with nick's obstinacy to not let him go. he didn't try seriously to shake him off, and he didn't really want him to let go either. his arms around his waist, his body against his back, clay might have enjoyed such feelings far too much for them being only friends.

"don't care. was our day!" he slurred, his cheek squished just below his shoulder blade.

"i know, but i couldn't let her down."

mrs. frances was a little old lady with gaunt features, whose red hair curled around to brush against the curves of her cheekbones, and whose eyes were two gentle whirlpools, blinking almost sapphire when she spoke to clay.

he was special to him, being the owner of one of his favourite places, and he was special to her, always being the foot in the door to make the wind chimes above shimmer in sound pleasantly. clay couldn't find it in himself to say no when he had asked her for some of his help. after all, it was thanks to her that he could keep some of his favourite stories to his heart.

"but you could let me down!? you're always so concerned for her that you might as well be her best friend!" nick cried, grunting hard when clay snorted at his maturity, or lack thereof. 

"what is with your rivalry with her?" laughed clay, placing books in the shelves as nick gave his minimum cooperation by actually moving his feet with his.

sometimes the wind chimes jingled and greeted clay, and nick behind him too, the boy having no choice but to follow him in there every time clay wanted to go. mrs. frances always greeted him cautiously when together, believing that he was a good for nothing delinquent who didn't have an ounce of respect for books or his seniors. she was right, nick not yet grown into the respectful person he would be later.

the two of them had snarky eyes for each other and clay was always uncomfortably between them, nick grouchily breathing under his breath when she told him off for stretching the books too far, and mrs. frances scowling when he got complained that there were no comic books.

"she stole my best friend! why doesn't she find someone her own age, the old hag!"

clay shook his head. he took one of the books and reached over his shoulder with it. he relished with an amused smile at the grunts nick let out as he tapped the edge of the book against his head, the shorter boy pushing back up it with his weight carried on his tippy toes. he really was sincere about keeping clay close and having him all to himself.

"we can go home in an hour," he said, nudging him softly.

"i want you now," nick whined stubbornly.

clay brought the book back forward and lifted it up to his face. oh, how weak he was, how his chest felt heavy hearing those very words he dreamt of, yearned for. nick didn't even know what such shameless words did to him, only concerned himself with being his best friend while clay wanted to give him way more than what he wanted as his childhood sweetheart.

"i know," clay mumbled behind the book, bringing it down to place in the shelf. "i want you too."

he let himself relax, having shelved the books in his arms, and melted. when he did, nick seemed to follow suite, his arms loosening into a much more softer and comfortable hold and the stress in his face relaxing so that clay could only feel his frown drop into one more gentle. they stood there, lost in the pleasantry of having the other close.

at the same time, the clouds seemed to shift in the sky and a petal of sunlight shone through the square shaped panels up above the walls. the same light flooded through the panes at the front of the shop, and light danced, across the wooden table where open books lay from nick's reckless impatience. they intertwined through poetic words, through imagery and metaphors and the spiral of adventure, and slithered across the spines building up every shelf until the gold and silver of particular book covers glistened.

they felt the warmth from the sun and the warmth from each other's embrace, and really felt spring with one another for the first time in a while.

"do you?" mumbled nick.

clay hummed back, prompting him to keep talking so that he could understand his purpose better. 

his arms tightened. "want me like i want you."

pupnap and rocknap looked up from the table, their tiny bodies sprawled across in front of open comic books. rocknap had looked to be actually reading while pupnap was simply enjoying the illustrations. clay met their gazes and he smiled meekly at them, seeing their sympathy for him as nick uttered words without truly knowing what they meant to him.

"you've been... gone lately." 

he had hoped he wouldn't notice too much, and for a moment, clay believed he hadn't, but that was silly to think too. of course, nick would have noticed.

"m–maybe you've made new friends in high school, but i thought... well, you know how it is, don't you? it's... it's always been you and me, dream, and i thought it would be like that forever and ever."

it hurt so bad, but clay dispelled the hurt from his chest through his nose and turned around when nick's arms seemed to loosen. he glanced up at the open sign that lay across the glass of the door, and without another fleeting thought of whether mrs. frances would come back in after popping out for a while, he grabbed at nick's shoulders and looked down at him determined.

"i should pay you back," he said.

nick's eyes were doe in confusion, the tips of his fingers still dug into the material of clay's clothes. 

"you taught me how to dance back then. remember?" he answered. "i think it's time that i taught you."

"back then?" nick smiled bashfully, the memory seeming to appear before him. "i didn't teach you, we just jumped up and around!"

jumped up and around, and yet it meant the world to him, had brought rocknap into his life.

"still," clay said, getting a little shy before he composed himself with a forced grin. he hoped he didn't look like an idiot. "can you dance? you know, the proper way?"

nick opened his mouth to protest he was cut off by the push of clay's arm. it had snaked around to rest against the small of his back and coaxed a yelp from his lips at the surprise of being pulled closer to him. for a moment, clay swore he saw colour blossom on his cheeks from pressing up against him, but he must have recovered quickly as he scoffed.

clay corrected the form of his body, pushing one of his arms up so that nick's hand rested on his shoulder and grabbing at the other hand, intertwining their fingers in the air beside them. 

he brushed his hand up his spine, kept it firmly below his shoulder blades, and said gently, "straighten your back, nick." when he noticed nick was looking down at his feet and the space between them, he sunk his head lower to bump at his crown, and added, "and don't look down."

nick looked at him in embarrassment. "how am i supposed to dance and not look down..!?"

clay laughed, his mood rising as he squeezed their hands together and felt nick squeeze back against his shoulder.

"i thought you wouldn't have experience in this," he teased.

"why would i know something airy fairy like this?" he pouted crossly. 

"pandas, you're first chair violin, you can't pretend you aren't a big softie."

"i am not! 'm big and strong and tough!"

"really?" grinned clay, now more naturally, nudging his head again. "from all the way down there?"

nick nudged back. "that was a low blow!"

"it was a low blow," clay wheezed, the temptation to tease his short height too much to let go off.

"cut it out!" 

clay laughed when he knocked his forehead into his chest like an angered bull, though looked way cuter and less threatening than one. he smiled down at him and took a step back, beginning their dance with the sun, and relished in the flustered expression that quickly replaced the irked one.

"wait..! hold on, dream!"

clay didn't listen to him. he let his eyelashes flutter down, let the pressure of hiding his feelings flutter away, and moved their bodies together. 

"and one, two, three..! one, two, three..!"

clay stepped forward and nick followed suite, not following the instruction of keeping his eyes up and paying more attention to where he was placing his feet. 

"clay! slow down!" 

he turned them, and nick squeaked in surprise at having his body whisked to the side, his eyes wide in alarm as he took care in stepping correctly and not on top of clay's sneakers. 

on the table top, over the pages of the books and comics, pupnap was lead by rocknap, his tail wagging excitedly as they danced together and copied clay and nick's movements. 

the strips of rocknap's white bandana swayed behind him and the ring piercings lining his right ear clicked together as they swayed left and right, back and forth. at one point, pupnap got so excited that he tried leading, which ended up with rocknap toppling over and pupnap flying forward on top of him.

"dance, nick," he encouraged. "dance!"

nick looked up finally and seemed breathless as he met clay's eyes. they were bright and inspired and he smiled so gently that it felt like the warmth was from experiencing such a handsome face rather than the slowly dipping sun that was engulfing their smooth and steady movements. 

"see? i knew you could do it," clay grinned as they waltzed in the middle of the book store, at the very back through the little open space they had.

if they took one wrong step, they would tumble against the table or shelves in the middle and someone would hurt themselves, but clay took extra care in making sure that wouldn't happen, holding nick like a precious jewel.

"i'm just getting jerked around by you..!"

"you're pretty light on your feet though," the blonde praised. they kept moving, pairs of green still entranced with each other, as clay continued to instruct him, "step forward, and turn."

with lips parted and eyes focused, nick followed, stepped forward, and then to the right, getting whisked in the same direction in clay's hold. butterflies filled his tummy when clay laughed with him, pride filling his gaze down at him.

"you did it..!" 

hands squeezed, hearts did too, and clay felt free.

"now, isn't this nice?" clay murmured, appreciating how the sun poured into the earth tones of the library just like how it did in his bedroom. 

he looked back at nick and appreciated more how the sun brightened the tones there, turning strands of his dark brunette hair into gold, as if strings of a gentle campfire were coursing between. his dark green eyes blinked emerald when they turned so that his face was flashed with the sunlight, brightening the two or three dark moles that freckled gently his neck and cheeks and setting his delicately curled eyelashes on fire. 

nick exhaled softly through his nose. "'s not awful."

clay muffled a snicker. "aren't you glad you came with me?"

"hmph, we could have done this at home anyway!" nick exclaimed, not wanting to admit that he really was enjoying himself surrounded by books.

either way, clay smiled, happy with himself and with nick and with everything for a moment. he was a beauty, a dancer of the sun, and if clay could, he wouldn't think twice about dropping his face and connecting their warm lips.

"it'll always be you and me, pandas."

he felt him come closer to him as they danced, a little slower than they had been before, sometimes only rocking on their feet with their bodies still enclosed into each other.

"sorry that i've been kinda m.i.a," he muttered, subconsciously stopping his guidance and leaving them both standing. 

small particles of dust floated in the sunlight and the world outside of the windows sounded, card that passed by every now and then, the light bustle of down town, and the songs of nature; each sound filled the quietness of the store and the sincerity between them.

"you haven't.... like... moved on, right?"

clay gritted his teeth for a moment before he shook his head firmly. "you're my best friend, i'll love you forever." 

nick brightened more and more, and he wasn't even out of the shadows. he broke away from the positions of their waltz and made clay stumble on his feet as he dived into his chest for a giant, squeezy hug.

"did you really think that?" clay sighed softly, holding him back, lifting a hand to rest it in his hair. 

"i don't like thinking about losing you." his words were muffled as he held his face in clay in shame. "but..." his head moved against his hand until his eyes peeked out and looked up at him. "but sometimes i do."

at fifteen, clay realised he couldn't run away, he couldn't do that, not to nick, no matter how difficult it got dealing with his feelings.

"don't," he said firmly. "i'll always be here," he promised, nick and himself too. "forever."

thunder roared from across town and drew clay out from his memories, quelling sunlight from the store and turning golden brown into washed out wood. 

the book spines were flooded with darkness and the table was bear, but if clay focused hard enough he could still see the shadows of him and nick dancing across the floor, moving between the light like magic.

his eyes didn't shine, were dim, half lidded and sad as he sat upon the stool behind the counter and pondered in melancholy, his face resting in his hand and his arms upon the surface of the wood.

"it's okay, puppy," he said gently, feeling his breast pocket shiver. he brought a hand up and dipped a finger inside, pressing between his puppy panda's ears. "'s just a little thunder. don't worry about it."

it was the middle of the week just after the morning when clay was fulfilling his shift at the book store, not having classes that day. 

business had been slow, the wind chimes murmuring and clay greeting a few people with a customer service smile before they left either empty handed or with a couple of books, prompting clay to slump back down against the countertop.

he thought about that memory a lot while he was working. sometimes, he even mirrored their footsteps by himself as he shelved books just like before, but that day in particular, the memory seemed to be eating him alive.

the rummaging of his pocket had his eyes flickering away from the spot again. he looked down and deadpanned as he was greeted with panda butt and tail, another one trying to squeeze in with pupnap.

"sapnap, this is a one panda pocket," he tutted, pinching the panda gently by the back of its neck and fishing him out.

sapnap panda, one out the two pandas who had emerged from their dance, struggled in the pinch of his fingers, thrashed in the air with grabby hands towards clay. he sighed, shifted his hand so that sapnap toppled down the curve of his cupped fingers and sat in his palm, and brought him closer.

"mm, i love you too, sapnap," he said as fuzzy kisses were peppered just below his chin. "yes, yes, you're very special to me too," he added, the kisses getting caught onto his bottom lip as sapnap panda leaned up closer to get to him. he kissed and kissed, dug his numb claws into his skin as he held onto his face until he was jerked back, toppling back into clay's palm again. "i told you, sapnap, i do not have favourites."

sapnap was the clingy panda bear, constantly yearning for clay's love and attention. a crown of translucent hearts flew animatedly up around his head and his eyes never opened, always remained slits around his darker fur. his paws were always grabbing, towards clay or around a finger, keeping his presence and body as bamboo. his brain rot for kisses and pets and hugs made him rival pupnap's inherent clumsiness, clay having to always make sure sapnap panda was fully secure in his hair or pocket.

sniffles came from his shoulder and they were much too quiet and delicate to sound like babynap's, whose cries could shatter every window in the store. 

"just because i don't have favourites doesn't mean i love you less, poutnap. actually, it means i love you all the same," he explained gently, bringing his other hand towards the two out of two pandas and scooping him up.

he nudged the tip of his nose into poutnap's cheek, nudging the panda into releasing his pout and smiling when he looked up at him. "you've been gone for a little while, pouty. i missed you, ya know."

poutnap was a difficult panda bear and was always clad in a red pair of shorts. he didn't like brushing his teeth, and clay had to stare him down and cross his arms back to get him to fall apart and listen to him. he was a grumpy boy, ears constantly down and stubby arms always crossed. when he didn't get his way, he whined. when he did get his way, he still whined. there was no pleasing such a pouty panda, but it didn't bother clay like it could have. he found it amusing and cute the way he was always like that.

"i missed you too, sapnap, but i don't miss either of you more than the other," clay sighed, giving sapnap the same nose nudge because he couldn't help wanting the affection of the others too.

another round of thunder crashed and pupnap whined from his pocket, clay's face dropping in sympathy as he felt his precious puppy dog panda shake against his chest.

he set poutnap and sapnap down on the counter and scooped his good boy out of his pocket. 

"the storm will let up, pupnap, i promise," he frowned, talking especially in puppy to get through to the frightened panda bear. he frowned harder when pupnap grabbed onto his thumb and nuzzled his cheek into it. "why don't you go back?"

pupnap peeked out to glance at him.

"rocknap didn't come out today, did he?" clay hummed. "you should go back, to, er... well, wherever the hell you guys come from," he smiled lightly, bending the top of thumb to scratch at his head. "you can meet him there and you won't be so scared. that does sound better, doesn't it?"

pupnap nodded though he still looked hesitant. 

"don't worry, i don't mind." he brought him closer and brushed a peck of his lips onto the top of his head. "you'll be safe and happy, yeah? and maybe you can come back later today when it's nice and quiet..!"

pupnap nodded and finally smiled, his dog ears perking up just a little, before he leaned forward and kissed clay back, on his chin. 

"i'll see y'later, puppy," he grinned, and with a _poof!_ of light smoke, pupnap was gone.

it was just then that his phone buzzed in his pocket, over and over, so he fished it out and was greeted with caller id of george. mrs. frances never minded if he took phone calls while the store was quiet, and business wouldn't be bustling either, not with the splatter of continuous rain and thunder outside, so clay accepted the call and pressed speaker.

"hello?" he said, bringing his hand up to the counter so that he could absently play with sapnap.

"what the hell is your problem, you fucking twat?"

oh, george, ever so lovely to speak with.

"i've been calling you for ages, idiot," george scowled, clay looking at his call logs and seeing a number of red phone symbols beside his name in the last hour. 

"shit," he said, scratching at his cheek. "sorry, i didn't mean to. we... just had a lot of customers!"

"you are getting shit all in this weather, clay, i know you were thinking about nick."

clay sighed heavily, slumping into the stool again. "yeah, yeah. whatever," he murmured in defeat. "i don't know why i tried that," he laughed a bit sadly.

"you won't believe this," drawled george. "but i want to... talk to you... about nick," he finished, his sarcasm and struggle to get the words out making clay smile in amusement.

he kept grinning, from teasing george and from the fact that poutnap had climbed into his brown sweater sleeve. "have you fallen in love with him too, georgie?"

he replied with bitterness special to his character, "i'd fall in love with a tree before i could ever fall in love with that pig... at least the tree wouldn't be hollow inside."

clay cracked another snort. as much as he adored nick, george's constant snark for him and their never ending bickering had always been funny to him when it wasn't too exhausting. he had broken them up so many times but when it came to the mean words thrown here and there, he would enjoy them greatly.

"come on, you're so mean. i heard him complaining the other day that you had kicked him..!"

"yeah, i did do that," he remarked cockily, even boasted, as if clay might have wished to do it too. "what? he was pissing me off. do you know how annoying it is to watch you act like a lovesick puppy and him not even notice?"

"you could give me a little credit, george."

"i would if you deserved it. seriously, was there any need to buy all of that food for him? you spoil him too much for nothing. and you didn't make it any less obvious that it was you, idiot."

clay sighed again, brought a hand up to brush against his face at the a thousandth scolding he had received from george about his infatuation for the boy. his movement caused poutnap to tumble down his arm and land face first into the dip of his elbow.

"i... got carried away."

"yeah, no shit."

clay pouted, wriggling his arm in his sleeve to help poutnap climb up his bicep. "did you call just to make fun of me, or what?"

he could hear george's sadistic little smirk over the phone, hear that glimmer of malice in his eyes twinkle too. "that would be fun, wouldn't it?"

"george."

"okay, okay."

clay heard george shift over the phone, perhaps for a more comfortable position. he sat too, straightened his back and leaned up against the counter again.

poutnap had popped out of his neck hole and was rubbing his pout all up his neck, perching on his shoulder with his nose all scrunched up. sapnap had joined him in climbing too, was just about wriggling through the neck hole and was clambering across poutnap's lap. if he couldn't find attention from clay himself, then he would always try to find it in the other pandas.

"what i wanted to know was if you and nick had the talk together."

"the talk?"

"yeah. about sex and relationships, and stuff."

their experience with the sex and realtionships talk. clay looked up thoughtfully and was reminded of the fishing trip that they were took on when they were at the ripe age of thirteen, when nick started having crushes on girls, started asking him questions about what they liked and how to date one.

"i guess so," he hummed, glancing down at the screen of his phone as he spoke. "our dads taught us the basics." he cringed to himself slowly as he started recalling every word of that time in their little boat. "about why ' _the dangly bit between our legs get hard in our pants sometimes_ ' ."

it had always been girls with nick. he blushed near them, got shy whenever they spoke to him, and clay even remembered when two of them came over to his house and he had forced him to be the best wingman he could be through his earphones. the whole thing didn't go so well and had left clay with a stomach ache from laughing so hard at his failure. 

girls, girls, girls. nick talked about wanting to kiss them. nick talked about the girls he had crushes on, from bree in their math class to selena gomez, one of his celebrity crushes, to kim possible, the animated character, nick never had space for anything other than girls. clay had to nod along with it, pretend to be interested, had even picked a random girl to have a crush on to convince him that he was all girls, girls, girls too.

if there was a chance nick would ever like guys, nevermind clay himself, he would never believe the chance to be too big at all.

"did they ever teach you about sexuality? or anything other than girls?" george asked pointedly, and clay smiled in haphazardness, knowing what the disappointing answer was.

"i think nick's dad is... traditional. let's put it that way."

"homophobic?"

"not exactly, but he would never let nick hear about those things. it was why he never went to school the day they talked about all that stuff." clay remembered as they discussed what sexuality meant and what it was to feel attraction to someone glancing over and finding nick's seat empty. "he told me the next day that he had had a dentist appointment, but i could tell he was lying, and it looked like he didn't even know why he had to tell the lie."

george hummed with a tone of consideration, making clay feel curious as to what he was thinking.

"what about you? you haven't really come out yet, right?"

"well, i don't really know what my sexuality even is to be able to come out," clay said truthfully. he had never given it much thought, whether he liked girls or guys or people in general; he knew that he just liked nick, and nick happened to be a guy. "i just learnt about it myself online, i guess."

they had never spoken to him about it, but clay simply knew that his parents didn't have problems with the idea of sexualities that weren't just male and female. he had expressed his views a couple of times nonchalantly and they had never been critical of him. 

"aside from his dad being kinda... problematic sometimes - y'know switching the tv channels or radio station whenever something like that was mentioned - our neighbourhood and school was just... really nice. nobody was ever mean to each other so no questions would have been asked about what gay meant." 

the latter sighed. "i figured," he said disappointedly.

"how come? why're you asking me all this? you know he's going on this big course to get game with a girl, and only a girl, right?"

"apart from his incompetency, my theory is that nick's just ignorant."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean that.. maybe a reason that he likes girls is because he thinks it's the default. he was never taught about different couples, and he's never really been exposed to it, right? and if he has, he isn't homophobic, but only because he knows that that's the socially acceptable reaction to a gay couple - to accept it."

clay brought his hands to his mouth and pressed his teeth against the curve of his thumb nail as he mulled over his words. high school was the only time nick could have the most exposure to lgbtq, and it was only because clay was vouching for more support for it, throughout the school and around their community too.

"i mean, the other day this kid called me a bumboy, and it was like nick didn't even understand why. of course, people think i'm gay; it's because of how i dress, anyone would know that, but he didn't have a clue." george paused in his speech to scowl. "he even asked me if i really am gay. he was all shy about it too."

"so, essentially, what you're saying is that nick might not be straight, but he doesn't even realise it because he's... uneducated?"

"he's naïve and hasn't been given the opportunity to explore himself," suggested george, seeing confident in his theory. "if his dad is traditional like you say, he must have pushed the idea of only having a girlfriend or a wife onto nick, and that's all he knows for his own relationship."

it was a possibility, sure, but that didn't mean anything in particular for him. "okay, say if it's true, that just means he might like boys too, not that he might like me."

george grunted over the phone, and suddenly his voice got louder, as if he grabbed his device in disbelief of what he had said. 

"don't fuck with me."

"what..?!"

"the only thing between you two is your preferences not aligning," he barked, his tone dripping with his annoyance. "if nick were to like boys, the one boy he would like for sure is you, idiot! he just makes it seem like a best friend thing because you're a guy, not a girl!"

clay's heart fluttered at the prospect of it. he didn't even notice that poutnap was being smothered with kisses, had sapnap crawled on top of him completely now with his hearts flourishing above his head.

"you... you really think so?"

george let out a guttural groan of his frustration, seeming to put his phone back down. "you two are so annoying, you know that?! you aren't normal friends, and anyone with half a brain would be able to see that, but apparently, you two make a single one between you!"

clay winced as he yelled, feeling his pandas jump up on his shoulder from the aggression in his words.

"don't have to be so mean about it," he pouted, tapping his hands down on the counter and fiddling around with his nails.

"i'm the one who doesn't do sex or love, or stuff like that at all, and even i have more common sense than either of you two degenerates."

"love is blinding," clay sighed dramatically, resting his cheek against his hand again and grinning at the sudden silence. george was probably counting to ten trying not to let himself get too pissed off.

"anyway," george emphasised, steering back to their discussion. "you know what that means you have to do, right?"

"there's something i have to do?"

"nick needs a little push, and that's what you could do. you know, coax him a little into thinking about that stuff, whether he really likes boys or he really likes girls, or whatever."

clay frowned, his eyebrows shifting critically at what he understood as george's idea. "you think i should make him question his sexuality?"

"he's not going to think about it himself, is he? he thinks he's liked girls his entire life and is still set on the fact. what you need to do is put the idea in his head that maybe, maybe that might not be true, and it'll kickstart everything and he will end up figuring it out."

clay straightened up and looked offended at the phone, as if george could see how much he didn't like the idea through it.

"hold on, that only works in your head because your making the assumption that he isn't actually straight," he protested. "so he might not have thought about it. what if he does, and what he comes to the conclusion that he does like girls, and only girls. then what, george?"

"then, shit, at least then it's confirmed that he's straight."

his fist had clenched and his shoulders were high in his objection towards the scheme. poutnap and sapnap glanced towards him before returning to their little play where poutnap whined and whined about the bothersome way sapnap kept coming onto him for his love.

clay didn't like it one bit, felt uncomfortable with the scenario of him going to nick and planting ideas into his head that might sprout into good or bad stems. it was by all means immoral and unethical to do something like that to nick and believed it truly – his sexuality was his and his only. it wouldn't have right for clay to try and play tricks on him just so they could test what they believed might have been true.

"no."

"no?"

"i hate that idea. not only is that an awful thing to do, but we really shouldn't be having this conversation now anyway. george, he's our best friend, and we're scheming like this behind his back? what right do we have to poke around and speculate his sexuality?"

"we have good intentions..! we'd be looking out for him too! are we good friends for ignoring what we know is a problem, or for pushing him towards solving it?"

"the intention is selfish, george. it's as simple as that. you know it. and you're only theorising that it's a problem anyway. sure, he might not be as educated as he could be about stuff like that, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know who his own person is at least."

george was getting desperate as he exclaimed, "this could be your one chance at getting closer to him! i thought you wanted that?"

"i do want that! i just can't manipulate him to get my way!"

he could feel george's patience wearing thin from the silence over the line, his words settling in, and the soft yet ragged breaths that came over briefly. it might have been harsh but it was the truth; this wasn't a good idea and clay didn't want anything to do with it.

"you self-righteous arsehole," george grumbled finally, making clay release the tension from his body.

"come on, george. i know you want to help, and i'm thankful for you, but it just isn't right," he said softly through a small sigh. "i want him to love me back, so, so much, but not like this."

they were quiet for a while but the lack of talking wasn't uncomfortable for either of them, it never really was. they might not have grew up together and shared so many childhood memories, but george was still clay's best friend, and that meant he was comfortable around him and could express everything to him without feeling like he was out of place.

"so what are you going to do then?"

"about nick? nothing. there isn't anything i can do."

"no, i mean, about him gallivanting trying to get some poor girl to get his dick wet." george said such vulgar things without an ounce of shame, and clay was thankful that mrs. frances or babynap were around to catch note of the fowl words. "you seemed so defeated on monday."

that day was awful. hearing about nick so suddenly wanting to throw himself into the college life, wanting to get laid, hearing about karl's plan to give him just that pleasure; it had made him feel nauseous all morning. knowing that nick was actually making moves towards getting with someone for real had fueled him on the football field for tryouts – every raging animal of the emotions he felt, he took it out on the football and the pitch and his opposing players. when he wanted to take nick by the shoulders and scream every affectionate thought he had ever had for him in all their years of being friends, he kept his mouth shut and took such fiery passions to the pitch, winning his games and his position as quarterback on the team.

once he had uncaged those wild animals, all that was left was the vessel of him, that emptiness of realising truly what the distance between them meant. in the past, nick had only ever fantasized with stupid grins and heart eyes what it would be like with a girl. now, clay was having to hear and know that he would really be doing just that. he hated it, it felt like torture, felt worse than having his body stretched from both ends, so for a brief moment, he genuinely thought of cutting ties, not straight away but by taking gradual steps. he thought about making sure they had some space between them. maybe then he wouldn't feel so bad about everything.

then days after, sapnap and poutnap had to make their appearance, together too, and clay was reminded all over again about that afternoon at the book store when nick almost she'd tears about the thought of them being anything less than best friends.

"i'm still helpless," he murmured sorrowfully. "i can't stay away from him, can't run away. it's unfair to him, and i made that promise."

"a promise?"

clay shrugged the shoulder up where his two panda bears sat and they both tumbled around and around down the length of his arm to topple back onto the counter. sapnap didn't move for a second, the hearts around his head spinning comically from the motion sickening ride down, and pupnap looked up at him grumpily for knocking him down after he had worked so hard on getting up.

he loved them, he truly did. they had come about that day because of the dance he shared with clay, because of him having the cancel a bit of their sleepover. sapnap was nick's love language of physical affection and poutnap was nick's expression for when he didn't receive it when he wanted to, when clay left him out for too long without so much as a reassuring glance.

they came into the existence from the promise that he would never leave nick's side, so how could he bear to do it? how could he grow apart from him while carrying sapnap and poutnap, and that memory of nick's hurt expression and the confession that he thought about the exact scenario of clay leaving him.

he couldn't do it, and he had told himself he would be prepared to see him hold hands with a woman. he would let himself be dragged along by nick's leash and he would do it helplessly, even if it was his heart being pulled across the cold, hard ground.

"that it would be me and him forever. i promised him that when we were fifteen. i can't break that promise, george."

sapnap shook his head back to normal and made grabby hands towards him again, and poutnap was still sulking from the attack of kisses that had dirtied his furry face. he wouldn't break their promise or dishonour their legacy – he would keep sticking by nick's side, maybe not as closely, but as next to him as he could get without it being so suffocating.

"clay?"

"yeah?"

"you are the worst fucking slytherin ever."

before clay could interject, his phone beeped and the call was over, george hanging up on him in defeat. he sighed again, and again, huffed, rubbed his face across his face that had been feeling a little tired lately.

when his shift was over, clay would go home and take a long, hard nap, clear his head. then, he could wake up and maybe take that test again, because the last time he done it was in elementary school and he needed to be sure he hadn't turned into a hufflepuff.

if he had, he would just take the test over and over until he did get slytherin. then, he would pretend like none of the other tries existed, and go back to bed again feeling a weight lift from his shoulders.

oh, what a week it had been, and it was only wednesday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY I UPDATED THIS i am so sorry these updates come so slow, especially with a slow burn fic too waaa you must wait so painfuklly for it :[
> 
> i hope you are enjoying this and don't mind how slow it might be x( BUT HEY!!! TWO PANDAS THIS TIME!!! poutnap and sapnap (da panda) >:) 
> 
> the theme of sexuality/homosexuality/blindly discovering oneself was always going to be a part of this book so i hope i have written it as interestingly as i could. the last thing i want is for this to be boring !! so let me know how u feel about it !
> 
> ALSO!!! here's a comment prompt im especially interested in! what are your thoughts on dream here? do you sympathise for him? do you understand how he is handling it? or do you think he is being too soft and that it would make sense for him to be more forward?? 
> 
> IM SUPER INTERESTED I WANT TO KNOW UR STANCES!!! PLS COMMENT AND LMK 🙏🙏
> 
> anyways i hope u enjoyed, kudo, comment all that stuff, and thank you for reading :) next chapter will most likely be the sapnap's date !
> 
> my twt is nihilisums ! come say hi !


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